To Change My Relationship With My Unhappy Parents

Top 5 tell- tale signs of an unhappy child – Yours too might be unhappy

It is sad when an unhappy child feels lost and unloved by his parents.

Do you know your child could also be unhappy?

You immediately disagree with me.

‘How can my child be unhappy when I take care of him with utmost love?’

Quite true.

But do you make your child understand your love?

This is where you fail miserably as a parent.

You are more concentrated on making him enjoy the best things in life than make him feel your love.

Do you think buying the best things for your child makes you a good parent?

Sadly it doesn’t.

Modern children are very rich in gadgets, but very poor in happiness.

Never underestimate the agony of an unhappy child.

Do you want to know the signs which show that your child is very unhappy with you?

1. Being a loner

Does your child spend most of his time alone?

Does he feel uncomfortable in your company?

Is he always withdrawn and morose?

Top signs of an unhappy child.

It signals that you are very strict and stringent with him. When you keep on reprimanding him, he never wants to interact with you.

Solution

Be a friendly parent.

Never be too harsh on his small mistakes.

Don’t be too advising or too preaching.

Don’t always command him.

2. Throwing temperamental tantrums

When you do not cater to the inner needs of your child he throws up tantrums to draw your attention to him.

How does your unhappy child show his anger?

He throws things around.

He tends to bawl at the top of his voice.

He refuses to obey you.

Why does this happen?

You let your child fend for himself and never spend quality time with him.

You think buying things for him is your only parental duty.

A grave blunder.

Your unhappy child feels uncared and unloved by your unthinking attitude towards him.

So he demands your attention by throwing tantrums.

His bottled up resentment against you makes him behave violently at times.

Solution

Understand the reason behind his tantrums.

Spend quality time with your child.

Talk to him frankly.

Make him understand your love.

3. Persistent lying

Your unhappy child often lies to you about almost everything.

He hides his mistakes from you.

He never confides anything to you.

Why does your child lie to you?

The mistake yet again lies with you.

You never let him be a child.

You want him to behave an adult.

You punish him in many ways –shutting him in a dark room\spanking him\using abusive words.

The result?

Your unhappy child is terrified of you.

He wants to escape from your harsh punishment.

So, he begins to lie to escape your anger.

Solution

Remember your child is very young. So, he is bound to make mistakes.

He will learn precious lessons from his mistakes.

Never be too punishing.

Never spank your child.

Never abuse him verbally and physically.

4. Refusing to eat

Does your child refuse to eat?

Does he often complain that he does not have appetite?

If your child refuses food when he is healthy it clearly signals that he is undergoing tremendous stress.

The reason is invariably you.

You compare your child with others. He hates it.  He feels absolutely lacking in confidence. He feels so inferior about himself that he does not feel eating.

Solution

Remember that when your child loses his appetite his health is affected.

Your child has his own pace. He cannot be what others are.

Be an encouraging parent and not a discouraging one.

5. He never interacts with you

Does your child talk to you without interest?

Does he reply in monosyllables?

Does he not join you for family dinner?

Does he keep to himself?

Is it a yes to all these questions?

Then he is an unhappy child.

Solution

Do not keep advising him.

Do not raise your voice against him.

Use lots of endearments.

He might talk out-of-the-way. Overlook it.

Ask him about his day in school. Talk to him about sports\movies. It makes your child unwind.

Conclusion

Do you know an unhappy child is a byproduct of your behavior towards him?

Be an understanding parent to know what your child wants from you. Otherwise he drifts too far away from you which making you feel a lost parent.

Источник: //www.breezystorm.com/top-5-signs-unhappy-child/

Is Your Relationship With Your Parents Normal?

Are We Seriously Not Having Better Sex Than Our Parents?

By now you know your parents aren’t normal. And you accept that. What you aren’t sure is normal is your relationship with those who brought you into the world—especially when you compare your situation to your friends’ dynamics with their ‘rents.

It’s a common concern, explains family therapist Judye Hess, Ph.D. The transition to adulthood reconfigures what it means to be attached to the people who raised you—especially when you’re no longer living under their roof.

The evolving shift in how dependent you are on mom and dad, how much you’d them involved in your adult life, and how great of a burden their needs become as they age can pave the way for unanticipated tensions, Hess says.

And because so many of us are reluctant to voice our unease—either talking directly to our parents or venting to our friends—we end up feeling far more alone than we actually are.

The irony is, there are plenty of others out there who feel the same way you do about your family. Check out five common sources of conflict between adult kids and their parents, plus expert guidance for how to deal with all those tricky situations so you no longer have to feel a freak (or put up with nagging).

1. I’m ThisClose With Them

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Your dad’s number appears on your “recently called” list more than your BBF’s does, you see your parents multiples times a month, and you find yourself spilling your guts to your mom about private issues in love, dating, work, and health.

If you can relate, know that when a parent is too up in your business, you may not adjust well to the real world, be less than great with following through on goals, and encounter trouble making friends. (Hence why people tend to freak about the so-called helicopter mom or pop.

)When a parent’s support becomes unwanted or over-the-top, communicate your needs for automony, Hess says. Simply saying, “Mom, I love you.

But when you keep asking me whether I can afford my rent, it makes me feel incompetent, not empowered,” or “Thanks so much for your interest in advising me on my career, dad, but now that I’ve got a decent job, I would appreciate if you could let me handle this particular situation with my boss” can do the trick.

, has found that millennials who rely on their moms or dads for emotional support, advice, or as their fallback dinner dates up to several times per week tend to be better off than those who don’t do it as much.

Other research has also found that connecting with our parents through not one but multiple mediums (think: text, email, Skype) makes us more satisfied about our relationship with them.Fingerman believes the changing nature of adulthood in the 21st century explains why leaning on a parent well into your 20s may not be such a bad thing after all.

We’re waiting longer than our parents did to get married, we’re more apt than they were to pursue higher education, and we’re up against some changing and challenging economic times.“Parents have 25 or more years of experience to bring to bear on these problems,” Fingerman says. “Young adults are wise to turn to them for advice and emotional support.” (Mom and dad can also offer material assistance—say, a car or some cash—to help us weather crises and give us a leg up as we start our post-college lives.)Bottom line: As long as you feel OK with how things are, don’t worry about being close and sharing what you wish to share with your folks.

2. They’re Strangers to Me

Maybe you’re the complete oppose: You come from a distant family and can’t relate to the closeness you see or hear about between some parents and their adult kids. Heck, you’re lucky to talk to your mom or dad once a month, tops, and when you do, the conversations are more of the “strictly business” type, with few details.

The primary thing that binds today’s adult children to their parents is whether the child wants the relationship.Megan Gilligan, Ph.D., assistant professor of human development and family studies at Iowa State University, assures that being estranged from your parents is more common than you may think.

About one in 10 moms have a kid they don’t keep in regular contact with, according to her studies. Psychologist Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., believes a vast shift in parenting practices and a divorce boom since the 1960s has set the stage for this type of relationship.

Because we don’t have as many institutional and communal forces tethering families together in our modern era, “the primary thing that binds today’s adult children to their parents is whether the child wants the relationship,” he says.

And in a culture where kids are more apt to judge parents in ways that may strike parents who truly are trying their best as unfair, estrangement may be more ly to occur, he adds.If you’re really unhappy about the distance between you and a parent, there are measures you can take to reconnect.

Much of it boils down to being clear about what you’d your relationship with them to entail (i.e.

, less criticism, fewer guilt trips, or a greater recognition on their part for how their behavior is or was hurtful), and attempting to find empathy for whatever their situation might be that’s caused them to pull away (divorce, a mental or physical health issue, a geographic relocation, etc).

“Most parents haven’t had as much therapy as their adult children and aren’t as good as communicating their feelings,” Coleman says, pressing us to cut our ‘rents a bit of slack. “In most cases it can be difficult to realize that, realistically, they’ve always been doing the best they can.”If you can’t re-establish a connection with an estranged parent (due to their own unwillingness or insurmountable differences between you both), try finding what you want and feel you need from them elsewhere. Close friends, significant others, and support groups, or sometimes even your work buddies, are good places to start.

3. I’m Still Pissed at Them

Holding a grudge against your parents for something they did in your childhood is not unusual, says Fred Luskin, Ph.D., director of Stanford University’s Forgiveness Project and author of Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health.

It’s in part because we often lack the understanding that parenting is an unbelievably difficult job atop the insight that parents are bound to screw you up to a certain degree. (As Luskin says, “To be human is to be in some way messed up by your parents.” Remember to thank them for that next Mother’s or Father’s Day.

)But harboring resentment toward those who raised us only hurts ourselves most in the long run. “Part of growing up is dealing with whatever damage you got from your childhood and working through it,” Luskin says. First step in that process? Forgiveness.

Therapy is always a great option, but so too are strategies yoga, meditation, and martial arts—anything that quiets and calms the mind and body, he says.In the event you must scratch the itch to confront a parent for previous wrongs or discuss the root cause of your resentment, brace yourself for their reaction, Luskin says. Not only will they ly be hurt by your confrontation, they may not remember things you do, and you may end up feeling invalidated by their response.

4. We Don’t See Eye to Eye

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If you disagree with your mom or dad over money, lifestyle, household standards, or work habits, you’re not alone.

Tension between parents and adult children are pretty standard—especially when the adult child depends on the parent a great deal for support, when a parent overdoes the unsolicited advice, and when either the parent or child feels ambivalent about being a significant part of the other’s life Tensions in the parent and adult child relationship: Links to solidarity and ambivalence. Birditt KS, Miller LM, Fingerman KL. Psychology and aging, 2009, Jul.;24(2):0882-7974.”>Tensions in the parent and adult child relationship: Links to solidarity and ambivalence. Birditt KS, Miller LM, Fingerman KL. Psychology and aging, 2009, Jul.;24(2):0882-7974.. The good news is this tension decreases with age, as we learn to pick our own battles and accept our parents for who they are. And parents and adult kids who can find the humor in their frustrations tend to have an easier time in their relations with one another, Fingerman adds. So if opportunities to laugh arise— taking a step back to giggle at how similar you sound to your mother when you’re griping or how absurd your embarrassment about dad’s wardrobe is—seize them.

5. I Worry About Them—a Lot

Many of us may see worries as negative emotions, but worrying about someone may make them feel more loved, according to another study by Fingerman The worries adult children and their parents experience for one another. Hay EL, Fingerman KL, Lefkowitz ES. International journal of aging & human development, 2010, Feb.;67(2):0091-4150.

”>The worries adult children and their parents experience for one another. Hay EL, Fingerman KL, Lefkowitz ES. International journal of aging & human development, 2010, Feb.;67(2):0091-4150.. So long as it doesn’t become invasive, that is. Think: Nagging a parent about their diet or exercise habits or buckling under dad’s angst over your financial habits.

Fingerman’s research found that nearly all of us are at least “a little” concerned about our families. So not only is worrying about a family member common, a moderate amount of it may be a psychological method of regulating one’s own anxiety.

By verbalizing or mulling over concerns about another person’s well-being or an upcoming event, worriers feel slightly more empowered to anticipate and prepare for potentially negative outcomes Worry as an adaptive avoidance strategy in healthy controls but not in pathological worriers. Ottaviani C, Borlimi R, Brighetti G.

International journal of psychophysiology : official journal of the International Organization of Psychophysiology, 2014, May.;93(3):1872-7697.”>Worry as an adaptive avoidance strategy in healthy controls but not in pathological worriers. Ottaviani C, Borlimi R, Brighetti G.

International journal of psychophysiology : official journal of the International Organization of Psychophysiology, 2014, May.;93(3):1872-7697..

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by how much you’re freaking out about a parent—or how much they’re losing their cool about you—it may be good to reach out to a professional for help managing stress or to communicate to your parent when enough is enough. If you’re up to it, try something : “Mom, dad, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by your concerns about me. Do you think you could let me come to you when I need some support? That would really help me do better and be less reactive toward you.”

The Takeaway

every individual, each family has its own idiosyncrasies. Those of us who fret that our own isn’t normal are typically unaware that most people struggle with the same issues.

So long as inevitable woes aren’t getting in the way of focusing on your own needs and goals, you’re probably in the clear.

In the event you find yourself held back by your relationship with your parents, don’t be shy about asking a family therapist to help you figure things out.

Источник: //greatist.com/connect/is-your-relationship-with-your-parents-normal

Causes Of Unhappy Families , Sample of Essays

Storming the living room crying, Josh shouts out, “I hate you guy’s” He’s yelling this out to his family. As many of you are wondering why someone would be yelling such hurtful words to his very own family? Not only does this kid say this but many other children out there do the same because they are unhappy.

How many people out there feel their family is unhappy? People wonder why their family is very unhappy occasionally. Many families have opportunities to have a strong happy family and many others do not.

They are a few causes in unhappy families, but can also be fixed if families are willing to make the sacrifices into becoming a better healthy family. Sometimes these things just happen naturally but nothing can stop a family into becoming a happy one. There are many forces that create unhappy uncommunicative families.

Some of those forces to cause a family to be unhappy are financial problems, stress problems, and drinking problems.

The first cause in creating unhappy uncommunicative families is financial problems. Financial problems not only bring stress to the family but also bring lack of bonding. Many families go out once in a while but when having financial problems it’s hard to do so.

For example, going out for a nice family dinner every Sunday night can bring families closer together and can be a great way to communicate, but it’s hard to even do that when there is no money for it.

Kids love to go out and have fun, but not being able to take your kid out to have fun is unhappy to the kid and hurting for the parent. Couples argue frequently over financial problems.

The wife wonders were all the paycheck went, and always says the money was not spent wisely, when it’s time to pay the house bills. That there also causes stress to the relationship between those two partners. Kid’s seeing their parents struggle with financial problems is unhealthy. Kids are too young to be aware or seeing that but a lot of families to argue in front of children.

The Essay on Young People Family Person Problems

… self-esteem or rejection Unexpected events such as pregnancy or financial problems Predispositions, stressors and behaviors weave together to form a composite … / physical disabilities Absent or divorced parents; inadequate bonding in adoptive families Family conflict; poor parent / child relationships Personality traits, especially when they …

Drinking is a second cause of unhappiness in families. Men are mostly the ones that have drinking problems in families. Drinking has so much effect in families in many ways. It brings argument, violence, and money problems and possibly abuse so all of that brings unhappiness to the family.

Not only does their partner suffer but also the children suffer as well. People that drink to stay out late at night to drink instead of staying in with the family. That’s where the arguments between couples come in. The wife or husband doesn’t appreciate that their partner is out late drinking.

Wife or husband will wait up all night just waiting for him or her to arrive home and then possibly start the argument which is not a great idea if that person is drunk. That’ll make the drunken person react in many ways. It’s not good for the children to see the parents argue frequently over their drunken parent. Drinking also falls into financial problems.

An alcoholic can buy alcohol almost every day, that’s where most of the money will go into. Money is spent on something people don’t need over something they need the money for, bills. That only causes more conflict with the spouse and children. Children do not alcoholics as their parent or parents.

It is also bad because children want to follow in their parents footsteps and an alcoholic parent is not a good role model.

The Research paper on Relationship Between Parents and Children in Chinese Family

… and son. Conflicting parents-children relationship in Chinese family causes more serious problems on adolescents, alcohol drinking, drug use, and … to get a harmonious relationship.

The same interests can make parents-children relationship close, almost friendship. Take E. B. … , some adolescent who cannot suffer from the painful stress and high requirement prefer to commit suicide.

People …

The final cause of unhappiness in families in today’s world is stress. Families are all caught up in their own worlds. Some are working, some go to school or some are doing both. So that causes stress toward the family because their all stressed out about school and or work.

Families have different school/work schedules so that makes it hard for them to see or even communicate to one another. Some families even have to have their own board of communication, to write to one another or to remind one another about different stuff. That’s a good idea, but not so good because that’s sad that that’s the way the family communicates.

Being able to talk about things to one another can really release stress in the family and can link one another closer together as a happy healthy family.

In conclusion, no matter what there will always be unhappy families out in this world for these reasons or various other reasons. Many families break up and many others find a way to fix their problems and try to make the best of it. At the end of the day families will always love one another even though they are unhappy and broken.

The most important thing to do is try to fix the relationship and have a closer happier family. Make a better effort in even just sitting as a family at the end of the day to just sit and communicate and tell one another what is going on in their lives , so they don’t feel strangers to one another.

Even if it’s just for a little amount of time, it still helps the family’s relationship, and makes them feel less strangers. If alcohol is the main reason in the cause of unhappy families, there is help out there; many people that want their family to be happy will leave the abuse of alcohol.

And by talking to one another about their problems with anything or anyone can release some stress towards the family relationship and become a much happier family.

The Essay on Family Values 4

… ’s ABCX model, identifies contributors to family stress, buffers against stress, and agents that cause family crisis (Grunert, 2013). In the … anxiety of the child and the family member combine.

In the perioperative setting family stress adaptation theory is conducive to … is taking longer than it usually predicted. Families adapt to stress in different ways, or possess different coping mechanisms …

Источник: //educheer.com/causes-of-unhappy-families/

6 Reasons We Choose the Wrong Partners and Stay in Unhappy Relationships

One of our most essential needs as human beings is to love and be loved. Since we are wired for relationships from the moment we enter the world, one would think it would be easy to pick partners that suit us well.

But the truth is, many people repeatedly pick the wrong partner and end up feeling unhappy (and perhaps utterly pained) in their relationship. For some, it’s easy to walk away from a relationship when it’s not right but for others, not so easy.

Many people stay in relationships and are even aware of their unhappiness as they know deep down that their partner is not the right one.

In my psychotherapy practice two of the most common themes I hear among my clients when discussing romantic partnerships are: “Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner?” and “Why do I stay in relationships that make me unhappy?” These are important and complex questions that can only be answered when we take a hard look at ourselves. There are multiple reasons that motivate how we choose our partners and why we stay in dead end relationships—some of these reasons are conscious while others are unconscious. In order to understand what motivates our choices we have to be willing to work on ourselves and build awareness around our patterns.

I want to address some of the factors that may lead us into unhappy partnerships, and what keeps us in them. Once we have a sense of why we choose the way we do, we put ourselves in a better position to make conscious choices and to shift our negative patterns. This will help us get on the trajectory of finding a healthy whole relationship.

Reason #1: Fear

We can all relate to making choices fear: deciding whether or not to ask your boss for a raise, confronting someone we feel angry at, and, very commonly, staying in a relationship we know (on some level) is not right for us.

Fear is one of the worst decision makers when it comes to choosing a partner. As instant gratification seekers, we thrive on the fantasy of the sparkly life experiences —the grand engagement, wedding, a house, and babies; we just figure we’ll deal with the rest (ie.

our relationship struggles) later.

Fear tells us that we better lock a partner down fast or we may be alone forever. It causes us to obsess and sends us the message that it’s too late to break up and start over. In our culture no one wants to be the last single friend, or the really old parent, or be judged for still being single.

If you are aware that you are with your partner because you are afraid to leave (for whatever reason), try to be aware to the fact that you are choosing to be unhappy now because you are afraid to be unhappy later.

There comes a point where we need to make a choice: We either choose to value our own worth or we don’t. Your partner cannot fill this void.

Reason #2: You Don’t Value Yourself

We all go through periods of feeling high and low. I think it’s helpful to think of self-esteem as existing on a continuum that fluctuates over the course of our lives.

However, in relationships nothing interferes with the ability to have an authentic, reciprocal partnership chronic low self-esteem.

It can cause you to sabotage relationships or settle for a relationship in which you’re treated poorly, which ultimately matches your beliefs about yourself. There are so many valid reasons we do this.

Yet there comes a point where we need to make a choice: We either choose to value our own worth or we don’t. Your partner cannot fill this void. No relationship with someone else can ever compensate for secretly believing you don’t deserve it.

Depending on your life circumstances, the concept of valuing yourself may feel impossible. I get it—but it is also possible. It’s about starting small and making a commitment to practice being kind to ourselves and recognizing we are valuable, even when we think we don’t deserve it.

It’s a process, it will take time, and it will change your life.

Reason #3: The Pressure is Real

Lets just say it: Society gives us terrible advice around our decision making for choosing a partner. We are told things  rely on fate, go with your gut, and hope for the best. We’re bombarded with images on social media that make us feel behind in life.

We are indoctrinated with the belief that we have to find a life partner before we are “too old,” which depending on where you live, could be anywhere from ages 21-35.  This pressure leads many to settle for partners they know in the long run are wrong for them.

As the writer Tim Urban profoundly stated, “When you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children, your eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel companion for about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your career therapist, and someone whose day you’ll hear about 18,000 times.” Enough said.

Reason #4: You Believe Your Relationship Will Complete You

There is a huge mistake that many people make when looking for a partner. It is the belief that a romantic relationship is the key to being happy. It’s not true. In fact, this mindset may actually be sabotaging your experience of finding a partner. Here’s why: Other people can feel it when you have anxiety about finding love.

When you approach a relationship from a sense of emptiness inside, the people you’re dating will sense it and it won’t feel good to them. When you’re confident, the energy you give off will convey that being in a relationship is your choice, not a dire need.

When you have that underlying feeling of needing to find a relationship fear, your entire vibe can change from calm and collected to insecure and riddled with self-doubt.

The truth is that only you can complete you, and by that I mean the job of healing one’s own emptiness cannot be handed over to our partners. This is personal work that if left undone will follow you from one relationship to the next.

Many of us pick partners who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to be less than desirable.

Reason #5: Familiarity  

As human beings, we are drawn on an unconscious level toward the familiar. The experiences that make us who we are also influence whom we choose as a partner. Many of us pick partners who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to be less than desirable.

For example, if our past was filled with feelings of rejection or inadequacy, we will be drawn to scenarios in which we feel the same way as adults. Imagine this scenario: You may be initially attracted to someone whose attention makes you feel good about yourself, but eventually, you start to notice that your partner is resistant to getting close and can be dismissive.

This will in turn trigger your fear of rejection, validate that you feel inadequate, and trigger anxiety.

I want to challenge you to respond differently the next time you feel rejected in your relationship. Notice if there is a familiarity of the situation and ask yourself, “Am I OK with this? Is this what I want in my relationship?” If the answer is no, it is time to act.

If you feel you can’t act on your own, it is time to reach out for help.

Reason #6: Your ‘Wounded Self’ is Doing the Attracting

Are you attracted to people that you want to fix? Are you drawn to the “project” aspect of a relationship where you get to help your partner change for the better? If you answered yes, you may be choosing partners from your “wounded self.

” The wounded self is the part of you that feels incomplete or damaged; it is the part that makes you question your worth or makes you think you are flawed in some way, always wondering if you are worth loving.

When you put your energy into helping your partner heal from their issues it is a way of unconsciously acting out how you wish to be treated.

The patience, love, support you provide to your partner is an unconscious desire of what you craved in your early relationships. It gets unconsciously framed in the psyche as “if I can get “x” to change, then I am worth it, I am loveable.

” For some people it is easier to put their focus and attention on how their partner needs to change because it allows them to avoid having to look at their own “stuff.” There is much healing to be done when we are choosing our partners from an unhealthy part of us.

When we show up this way in our relationship we are actually abandoning ourselves and avoiding our deeper needs. This is a recipe for unhappiness.

Each relationship you encounter in your life comes with lessons for you to learn and what you need to evolve.

One of the most profound and challenging aspects of being in a relationship is that it provides us with the opportunity for personal growth, if we allow it. Each relationship you encounter in your life comes with lessons to learn and what you need to evolve. But you have to want to evolve.

If we can think of each relationship as an opportunity to examine where we get stuck or triggered and aim to work on those parts of ourselves then we put ourselves in a better position to choose healthy, whole relationships.

If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area and are interested in individual or couples therapy I invite you to contact me via email at: jodeevirgotherapy@gmail.com

Источник: //theeverygirl.com/6-reasons-we-choose-the-wrong-partners-and-stay-in-unhappy-relationships/