Parents Prayer For A Married Son Facing Divorce

To the Sons and Daughters of Divorce

Few things are more traumatic than a car accident — 2,000 pounds of steel and glass bending and scraping, with no respect for the limits or boundaries of the human body inside. There’s a path of healing that every victim of a serious accident must take.

Children with divorced parents have experienced a different kind of violent, traumatic collision. And every child of divorce must wise walk a path of healing. It will, of course look different for different sons and daughters, but no one can deny that the emotional and relational bleeding needs attention, ly long after the papers are filed.

A chorus of adults with long-divorced parents will dismiss in unison: “I’m not broken, thanks very much. I’m not a project. I’m fine. It’s not even a big deal. I’m not a victim, and it certainly doesn’t deserve this much attention.” I totally get that. Depending on the day, I might say the same thing if I read my first two paragraphs.

My parents divorced when I was nine. I’m not a victim, but the break still broke me. It wounded me in ways I could not control. Years later, because I didn’t have the resources to work through things as a nine-year-old boy, certain forms of brokenness seem native and normal to me.

“The break that happens between mom and dad in divorce happens within the child.”

Divorce “attacks the self, because the self is formed within the belonging and meaning provided by the family. When it is destroyed, the threat of lost place and lost purpose becomes a reality. Without place or purpose, one becomes a lost self” (Andrew Root, Children of Divorce, 21).

More than losing myself, though, I lost the ability to relate to my heavenly Father. I certainly didn’t think that God had anything to say, or even cared, about the mangled, overturned vehicle in our living room. I’m sometimes still tempted to think that way today. But he does. He speaks.

And he cares.

The point is to see how, as children of divorce, Jesus Christ is a light in dark places, a hope for the broken, confused, and lonely.

We will piece together some themes from Scripture to explain how God understands and relates to children of divorce, in ten points.

1. Everyone in a family is organically, emotionally, spiritually connected

Paul explains, “For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy” (1 Corinthians 7:14). While not the main point of the text (primarily speaking about marriage between a believer and unbeliever), we can note three things:

1. The family is a unit — an organically connected singular entity (“because of his wife . . . because of her husband . . . as it is”).

2. The child’s spiritual wellbeing is interwoven with the integrity of their parents’ marital wellbeing (“made holy . . . made holy . . . they are holy”).

3. A broken marriage, therefore, has breaking effects on the child (“Otherwise your children would be unclean”).

2. For a child, experiencing a divorce is experiencing a violent storm

Malachi argues, “Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth” (Malachi 2:15). Ah, yes.

“What was the one God seeking? Godly offspring.” In the Hebrew, “A child of God.

” What does the child experience? The Lord enters the scene to explain what happens to a child when parents fail to guard their marriage “in the spirit”: “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless” (Malachi 2:16). There is always violence in divorce — a scary, violent, destructive storm within and all around the family.

3. Divorce does not just separate parents

“So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6). “I know.” We use a metaphor for divorce: “It’s getting gum a rug. It can’t fully be done.” Okay. We forget that the spouses aren’t the only ones who get “separated.

” The gum metaphor certainly doesn’t capture what happens to a child of a divorce. A marriage can be separated, at least in some ways; a child cannot. A child is an irreducible unit — a singularity cannot be separated from itself. And yet, we are.

What the parents experience relationally, the child experiences internally.

4. Divorce separates you from you

So when your parents — your first example and measure of relational unity and security — were separated, you were torn in a way that a human is not built to be torn. There is no “gum” and “rug.” There’s just you.

You’re one “thing,” and now you feel you’ve been cracked in half into two things. Even if you don’t experience the emotion explicitly, you still feel and experience and respond to the tension, because the separation is real.

“We all fight through adversity, of whatever kind, so that we can fight for the weak down the road.”

Regardless of whether the divorce was justified or biblical — completely aside from any of those questions — divorce was a violence you experienced. What man “separates” in divorce happens to you, too. What happens between Mom and Dad happens in you. “There is no soundness in my flesh . . .

because of the tumult of my heart” (Psalm 38:7–8). The effects are far-reaching, often more than we are immediately aware.

Depression, anxiety, addiction, anger, compulsions, and distractions are all possible effects of being torn, and very often we are not even aware that these things might be related to the “accident.”

5. Brokenness is not unrighteousness

Scripture uses many different metaphors to speak ethically, but theologians have used at least two terms that are relevant here: the “forensic” and the “renovative.” The “forensic” is legal. It’s declarative. It’s right and wrong. Scripture uses the terms “righteous” and “unrighteous” for the forensic (Acts 24:15).

The “renovative” is felt — it’s inside of you. It is helpful and hurtful. Scripture uses the terms “holy” (1 Timothy 2:8) and “broken” (Psalm 44:19; Psalm 69:20; Proverbs 29:1; Ephesians 4:22). To put it in a crass and reductionistic way, the forensic is the external evaluation, and the renovative is the internal state of affairs.

In order to heal, we need to be able to distinguish between our brokennesses.

6. You didn’t do anything wrong, but you still have to heal

Popular therapy for children of divorce will say again and again, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” That’s a forensic category. And it’s true. Your parents’ divorce is not your fault.

But, unfortunately and tragically, it still breaks you.

You are still, in a real way — in an on-the-ground, in-your-fibers sense — overwhelmed by a weight too heavy to lift and twisted in knots too complex to untie in a single counseling session.

The choice given to the child of divorce is not whether or not they should experience the brokenness of their parents’ divorce, but whether they will consciously process or unconsciously suppress the breaking. Henri Nouwen explains, “What is forgotten is unavailable, and what is unavailable cannot be healed.” wise, to intentionally face the reality of being broken is not to face defeat, but healing.

7. Marriage and divorce communicate something about God’s love

Parents represent in a priestly and prophetic way, for good or ill, Christ’s attitude toward their children (Ephesians 6:1–4). This reality happens not only in the direct relationship of parent-to-child, but in an exemplary and indirect way in the public, parent-to-parent relationship lived before the eyes of the child (Ephesians 5:25–33).

And so, in divorce, parents communicate a view of God’s love that speaks more powerfully than words. It is important to recognize, then, that there will always be a painful proverb in the back of your head that has its root in that experience. It’s not the same for everyone.

“Love doesn’t last.”
“Failure in love is always my fault.”
“I need marriage to escape my loneliness.”
“I will never get married.”
“God’s ready to leave me any moment.”
“My love isn’t enough to keep people together.”
“I’m not enough.”

All lies. But lies are powerful when they have good material to work with. Divorce is a fertile ground for lies of justified self-hatred. Children of divorce, myself included, have always searched too hard for love.

” We are searching for a sense of home, a way to convince ourselves the lies in our abandonment and loneliness won’t have the last word.

8. God has a special affection for you

What do we see in the texts we’ve looked at so far? A condemnation of the divorced? No. It’s not even about that. What do we see? God’s caring hand for the child. For you. Even if you’re an adult.

These texts are God speaking, and naming violence that you’ve experienced. Malachi 2:15 is God saying, “You’ve been in a car accident, and you need to heal.” He says, “I’m looking after you. My eye is on you.

You are my child.”

We see God’s protective care for children of divorce. We see the structures that he has set up to care for the weak and his grief over the violence that breaking these structures does. God is the lifter of weight.

He is the untier of knots. His specialty is in redeeming — in healing, restoring, and strengthening.

His forte is in trauma, and in complex pain — not always in fixing or explaining right away, but in being-with (Isaiah 43:2).

He has a singular and unique affection for you: “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him” (Psalm 103:13). That verse probably means nothing to you.

That doesn’t change the fact that God does show perfect and intimate compassion to you the way a good father should. He does.

9. God is building you to help others

Through sorrow and tragedy, God gives you an awareness of the world. A sixteen-year-old with divorced parents is, in a sense, more aware of the world around him than the same sixteen-year-old without divorced parents. We all fight through adversity, of whatever kind, so that we can fight for the weak down the road.

If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter. (Proverbs 24:10–11)

These verses flip suffering on its head. If we had divorced parents as a child (and faint, because it’s too much for us), it is so that we can rescue others when we’ve been made strong.

In the end (and even in the midst) of your healing path awaits a unique strength that will not only deliver you, but will allow you to carry others through the same journey, fighting the same voices, healing the same wounds, building the same faith and perseverance.

10. Reach out to others who have walked this hard path

Ernest Hemingway wrote, “The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” To put it tritely, experiencing the divorce of parents is just really, really hard. There’s no escaping that. It comes with tears. It comes with being very afraid. It comes with anger. You carry the bitter weight of having divorced parents.

“You deserve to be deeply loved, and you are deeply loved by God. He will carry and keep you.”

I don’t presume to know your situation, what your parents are , or what your family has gone through. All I know is that it must be extremely painful, and that God knows your pain. By his grace, it will not destroy you, but make you stronger (Isaiah 42:3–5).

Paul realized that he went through an affliction “so that [he] may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction” (2 Corinthians 1:4). He is a man who once “despaired of life itself” who now “[does] not lose heart” (2 Corinthians 4:1).

I don’t think I have found more help in my own journey of healing than in seeking help from others who have walked the same paths — who have had to do the hard work of finding Christ through the weeds of having divorced parents. Look for other sons and daughters — of God, and of divorced parents — and walk with them.

You are not pathetic. You are not alone. You deserve to be deeply loved, and you are deeply loved by God. He will carry and keep you.

Источник: //www.desiringgod.org/articles/to-the-sons-and-daughters-of-divorce

Stay Married or Divorce? a Tougher Decision for Parents | Marriage.com

Are you coping with a difficult marriage and wondering whether you should leave? Are you afraid of the consequences for your children if you decide to divorce? You’re not alone. 

It’s a decision that doesn’t touch upon the distress children go through

Staying in marriage only for the sake of the kids is a decision often made with noble intentions. Parents don’t want to disrupt their children’s lives or cause them pain. However, it’s a decision that doesn’t touch upon the emotional and psychological distress children often go through when their parents are estranged. 

Children experience mixed feelings

If children are being raised in a conflicting environment or in the silence and apathy of sleepwalking through a dead marriage, divorce may open the door to a healthier, happier future for everyone in the family – especially the kids. 

This is crucial – only if parents make dedicated efforts toward creating a harmonious, supportive child-centered divorce that puts the children’s emotional and psychological needs first!

Children raised in homes with parental conflict, little parental cooperation, or parental negligence end up building a poor model of how marriage can and should be lived. Happiness, harmony, mutual respect, and joy are usually nonexistent when parents are emotionally separated while still living under the same roof.

Children experience mixed feelings, often blaming themselves for the divorce and experience a lot of mental turmoil in childhood.

Why divorce can be best

I grew up with parents who chose the path of staying together for the kids. It was the more common decision for their generation. I had a very unhappy childhood and grew up to have a very unhappy marriage. 

I later divorced when my son was eleven years old. That left me with a personal understanding of both sides on this topic. Obviously choosing between divorce or staying in a toxic marriage is an option no one wants to face. They both create pain and hurt.

However, my own experience, talking to numerous therapists and parenting experts as well as reading study reports, I opt-in on the side of divorce.

When handled with the real wellbeing of the children in mind, divorce can be better for the children.

It’s especially preferable to years of living in a home in which parents frequently fight, disrespect one another and children grow up engulfed by sadness, pessimism, and anger.

That’s the world I grew up in and the scars are still with me today, many decades later. Dr. Phil often says, “I’d rather come from a dysfunctional family than be in one.” I firmly believe he’s right.

Ideally, the entire family will benefit with the United family dynamics

If parents with troubled marriages exercise some discretion, put aside their marital discord and make determined efforts to re-connect, seek marriage counseling and stay together in a renewed commitment to their marriage – that would be perfect. The entire family will benefit with the United family dynamics.

Sadly that’s rarely the case.

So parents must put themselves in their children’s place to understand the impact of their unhappy marriage on the kids. And make wise choices from there.

Key questions to help you decide

Having founded the Child-Centered Divorce Network, written a book on breaking the divorce news to children and becoming a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, I have created several questions to help parents make the crucial ‘divorce or stay together’ decision.

Ask yourself:

• Are my children being negatively impacted by the emotional or psychological environment in our home?
• Can life be better for my children if we divorce and live in two separate homes?
• Will my spouse and I be happier and more effective as parents if we were living apart and less embroiled in our patterns, conflicts, and drama?
• What will our children say about how we parented them when they are grown, adults?

Give these questions your serious consideration.

Initiate a non-confrontational conversation with your spouse

Watch your children closely over the next few weeks to see how they are coping with life at home. Have you been aware of sadness, anger or other strong emotions that reflect their inner angst or turmoil?

Seek out the help of a professional therapist, co-parenting coach or support group for objective advice to guide you in this important decision-making process.

It’s not divorce per se that scars children. It’s how parents approach the divorce that does the damage – or supports the wellbeing of the children you love.

Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?

If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.

Take Course

Источник: //www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/stay-married-or-divorce/

5 Tips for Christians Considering Divorce

It is a heartbreaking thing to have friends and family members who are going through divorce. Maybe you and your spouse are the ones considering a divorce and are looking for help. I hope that the information in this article can be a help to you or your friends.

If you are going through a strained relationship you may find the stress and emotional anguish difficult to bear. There are long-lasting and far-reaching effects that need to be considered before making life-changing decisions. However your ability to think clearly and rationally about the future is often clouded by the emotional trauma you are experiencing.

The information in this article is intended for Christian couples that are struggling with non-life threatening relationship issues. If you are in an abusive marriage where one of the spouses, or worse yet, children, could become physically harmed then you should get the law involved in protecting the family.

Laying aside physical abuse and unrepentant sexual immorality, let’s look at 5 tips for Christians who are considering divorce and see if God can help you find a way to save your marriage.

Because you are reading this article I assume you have some desire to keep your marriage together.

I trust that you will seriously consider your alternatives and use these suggestions to bring your spouse close to you once again.

There are long-lasting and far-reaching effects that need to be considered before making life-changing decisions.

Pray

Please pray. Don’t neglect this. Pray that God will give you wisdom in your relationship (James 1:5). Pray for your spouse. Pray that God will give you love for him or her again (1 Corinthians 13).

If you don’t maintain your relationship with a perfect and loving God during this critical time, what hope do you have for maintaining a relationship with a spouse who is an imperfect sinner yourself?

You may find that it is hard to pray right now. Reading your Bible may become very difficult. Rarely do marriages struggle where only one partner is to blame for all the problems.

Are you afraid that He will show you sin and improper behavior in your own life?

During this time of great difficulty you should actually pray that God does reveal your faults. You absolutely cannot change your spouse. Only God and your partner can do that.

You should pray for them, but spend more time praying that God will change you and make your relationship with Him stronger and better.

As a result of building a better relationship with God you will invariably build a better relationship with your mate.

Remember

What brought you two together 10 years ago? What was the big attraction to him or her when you first started dating that summer? Those qualities are probably still there you just have to look for them.

It is possible that he or she has changed since those innocent days.

Why? Is it because you have changed in such a way that you no longer bring out those qualities in your spouse? Maybe you have nagged them so much to change through the years that when they finally did, you buried that quality you fell in love with.

I am reminded of a cartoon I saw recently where a young couple fell madly in love. After they were married she nagged him to change the style of shirt he wore. He did. She complained about the way he wore his hair.

In an effort to please her, he changed that too. She asked him to change various things about his actions and appearance. He continued to change for her sake.

In the end she filed for divorce stating that he was no longer the man she fell in love with years before.

The cartoon was written to comically illustrate what happens to many couples. But you may feel a twinge of guilt if you are the one who coerced your mate into making changes they did not want to make.

Try to remember those early days when you first fell in love. If you built your relationship on the right things then those qualities are still inside your spouse.

Jumping one relationship to find another physically attractive person will end the exact same way.

Find, or bring out again, the qualities in your spouse that you loved so much. They are still there. You had the power to reveal those before you were married, you can do it again.

Though we say it all the time, you did not really “fall in love.” You grew together in a relationship. Your love was planted, grew and blossomed over time. You also don’t fall love. It is crazy to think that you do. If you no longer have the love you once had for them it is because you have made decisions that have pushed you to growing love, not falling there.

Be the Kind of Person You Want to Live With

Have you stopped to consider how you are acting towards your spouse? If he or she acted you are acting towards them, would you want to be married to you? You should model the type of behavior you expect.

I know this is the type of thing parents are told in relationship to their children, but you should act properly toward you spouse as well.

Do you go to church on Sunday with a smile, a Bible and all your memory verses learned and then can’t wait until you get the church parking lot to start yelling at your spouse? You may put up a nice front with other people, but your spouse has to live with you.

Ephesians 5:22-33 are probably not your favorite verses in the Bible at this time of your life. It commands husbands to love their wives. Wives are told to submit to their husbands. Both of these statements are not conditional on the other person’s actions. Wives should submit whether their husband loves or not.

Husbands should love whether their wife submits or not. Don’t look at what your spouse’s responsibility is, focus on what you are to do. Men, become the husband that loves in such a way that your wife wants to submit and reverence him.

Ladies, become the wife that makes it easy for your husband to love because you are living in obedience to the commands of God.

Communicate

Remember when you actually communicated with one another and didn’t yell? I know you may be saying that you really can’t remember the last time you communicated. But there was a time that you did. Otherwise you would not have gotten married.

As a dating couple you looked forward to dropping off your little brother so you could be alone with the one you loved. Your friends from high school and college, whom you vowed you would never abandon, got ditched as soon as your spouse came into your life.

You found ways to be together so you could talk even when you didn’t have time in your busy schedule.

If you will just admit you are sorry for the way you have been acting you could diffuse some of the tension. There is no reason for you to pretend the sinful actions of your spouse don’t exist; however, you can admit your own pride and faults.

You may find that your arguments will cease as soon as you take the time to tell them you are sorry.

Attack the problem together. Don’t try to win an argument just to have another notch in your belt. You can both win if you will try and solve the problem together and stop trying to have a better argument than the other person.

It is said we communicate on five different levels. The first is casual and trivial things. This includes the weather, bus schedules and sports scores. Secondly we move to factual information. This is when one person dispenses information at a lecture.

There is usually little passion and the parties are emotionally disconnected. When you move to the third level you are talking about ideas and philosophies. You begin to share things that open you up to being vulnerable because the other person might disagree with you.

When you begin to share emotions, dreams and fears you have moved to the fourth level. This is where couples get to in their conversations before they get married.

Where are you in these five levels of communication? Have you begun to slip backwards on the scale? If you are having trouble in your marriage you may be back to level two or one. Open yourself up and work towards sharing some dreams again.

Live Pleasing to the Lord

Your relationship with God should be your first priority. I know this goes hand in hand with the first point about praying, but this is so critical. When God is first in your life He will help you work out your other priorities. Live a life that is pleasing to Him and He will help clear up your emotion-filled mind so that you can see things from a higher perspective.

If you are in tune with the Lord and your spouse is in tune with the Lord, then you will be in tune with one another. Just because people are Christians does not mean they will never disagree with one another. However, if they will both live in agreement and obedience to the Lord, then they will be in agreement with each other. The Jesus in you will not fight with the Jesus in your spouse.

Your marital problems should be seen as a spiritual issue. You may see your anger over your spouse spending too much money at the grocery store or working too long at the office as a physical one, but you should consider it a spiritual battle to be fought together. Ask the Lord to help you both stand together and attack the problems in your marriage.

If you are not willing to take your marital problems to the Lord then you are admitting that you are part of the problem and not willing to find a solution. Admit that to God and your spouse. Ask forgiveness from your partner and God. Then between the three of you I am certain a solution will present itself.

Have you and your spouse come back from marital problems? Please share in the comments below how God gave you victory. I know this type of topic can be very emotional to discuss. If your marriage ended in divorce anyway, please keep your comments spirit filled. It helps no one to be unkind in a discussion this.

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Источник: //www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/5-tips-for-christians-considering-divorce/

Happily Married with Husband and 3 Kids, Divorce? Sage Steele opens up about the Discrimination in Journalism

So you’re a bi-racial woman, and you don’t look black enough, and you have an intensely curly hair that does not let you look white enough either. The question is how you will handle all those gazing eyes and raising queries of people. Sage Steele knows all about the hate she has received in twenty-one years of her career but still growing stronger than ever.

44 years of age, Sage is a sportscaster and the host of NBA Countdown on ESPN and ABC.

It is a hard thing for women of any race to be a part of sports broadcasting, and when you are racially diverse, there are so many obstacles you have to come across.

Sage felt the discrimination of being a bi-racial girl ever since her senior year of high school, where she was the only black kid among 1800 students.

From then onwards she knew how cruel and ugly the world we live in really is.

“I didn’t even know that I was the only black student 1,800 kids until someone told me because I didn’t look at people that way — I never have.”

Not just her childhood but Steele has faced many discrimination and hateful comments all her life, on both personal and professional level. With a white, half-Irish half-Italian mother and African-American father, Steele always had difficulties finding her true identity. She never felt she was fully accepted for being who she is.

Apart from having multi-racial parents, Sage is married to a guy who doesn’t belong to her race either. Her husband of seventeen years Jonathan Bailey is a Caucasian.

This incident devastated Sage even to think how judgmental people can be.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called a sellout for marrying a white man and for having kids that look white.”

Caption: Mommy at work! Sage Steele at a basketball game with her kids

Sage opens up about being a bi-racial woman in sports media and how much it affects her as a person in an interview with Huffington Post.

In the interview, she talks about how women should stand up for themselves whenever they feel that they are harassed by athletes or fellow reporters.

“I feel continuing to talk about it — I know that sounds cliché — but continuing to talk about it, that’s a big deal. If you experience it, I think you have to talk about it, as well.”

She also talks about how important it is for someone to be themselves rather than pretending to be someone else.

 “I’m really sticking to it!” And I preach that [lesson] to women — being yourself and being true to who you are.”

Sage Steele is a happily married woman with three beautiful kids. She got married to husband Jonathan Bailey on October 1999.

There isn’t much information regarding Jonathan, but we know that he is a stay-at-home dad who formerly was a personal trainer. She has three children, two daughters, Evan, 9, Quinn, 13 and a son Nicholas, 11, with her husband.

It's been seventeen years since she is happily married with no signs of divorce anytime soon.

Steele talks against Muslim-Ban Protest

Steele had her own two cents about the recent protests against 45th United States of America President Donald Trump's Muslim immigration ban.

When massive crowds protested against the action in major airports around the country, Steele had the unfortunate incident on getting caught in the protest in LAX, when she missed her flight due to the delays caused by the crowd.

She later on went on to vent about this on INstagram where she posted this image with the following caption

@sagesteele hey Sage..w/ all due respect..what types of protest do you prefer? The 'disruption' is the point of protest.

— Taylor Rooks (@TaylorRooks) January 30, 2017

I understand the inconvenience of missing a flight etc, but why people are protesting -for inhumane regulations- is much bigger than that. //t.co/mG5ZcMXPZ6

— Julie Stewart-Binks (@JSB_TV) January 30, 2017

Sage grew up in a military family with two siblings, Chad Steele, and Courtney Steele. Her parents are Gary Steele and Mona Steele. Her father Gary is an army veteran who was the first African-American to play varsity football. In 2013, he was inducted into the Army Sports Hall of fame for his outstanding career.

Sage was recently caught up in a controversy when she shut-down the celebrity MVP from team Canada, Win Butler, after winning the NBA All-Star games while she was interviewing him for bashing America and its political situation.

Graduated from Indiana University with Bachelor of Science in sports communication, Sage started her career from WSBT-TV in South Bend, Indiana as a reporter and producer. She worked for couple more television stations WISH-TV, WFTS before joining ESPN as a sportscaster.

Источник: //liverampup.com/entertainment/happily-married-with-husband-and-3-kids-divorce-sage-steele-opens-up-about-the-discrimination-in-journalism.html