Parents Prayer For A Married Son Facing Divorce

Changing Allegiance From Parents To Spouse

In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31.

God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves changing allegiance from parents to spouse.

Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.

Importance of Psychological Break from Parents

It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife.

This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important.

No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.

Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.

Making Spouse Happy Should Take Precedence

The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life.

Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy.

Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).

This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,

“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me.

It is my hope you will understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.

”

Importance of Changing Allegiance From Parents to Spouse

…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored.

The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him.

The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.

If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth.

Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.

Honor Parents, but Not Above Spouse

The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.

The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage.

Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death.

Honor was the original command and stands forever.

The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor.

You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner.

“Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.

How is this Honor Expressed in Daily Life?

You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”

A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example.

If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.

Holidays Can Get Complicated

Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays —Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner.

That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be the principle of equality.

This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.

Speak Kindly

To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).

The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”

When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.

Practical Suggestions:

If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them.

If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold.

Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.

The Bible Gives Examples

The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws.

Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.

“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.

Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).

Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.

This article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published).

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Источник: //marriagemissions.com/changing-allegiance-parents-spouse/

When Your Parents Divorce

My heart broke the day my mom told me she didn't love my dad anymore. It was June, without a cloud in the sky on that hot Arizona day. After completing my sophomore year of college in California, I decided to go home for a weekend visit with my parents.

As always, it was nice visiting my family, but at the same time something didn't feel right. Shortly before I left to go back, my mom asked me to take a walk around our block. The walk was mostly silent, and then, without looking at me, she dropped the bomb.

• I don't love your dad anymore…
• I'm not sure what to do about it…
• I'm considering moving out…

My body felt numb. Was I dreaming? Her words repeated over and over in my head, but they wouldn't sink into my heart. Stunned and silent, my only thought was “why?” – why in the world was this happening to my family? Filled with anger, I got in my car and drove back to California. I cried almost the entire way.

Our Past

You have to know some things about my family to understand why this came as an overwhelming shock. Up until this point, I believed I had a perfect family.

I know that sounds unrealistic, but my friends constantly told me how lucky I was to have parents who raised my brother and me in a Christian home.

They were surprised my parents were still married and that we actually did “family things” together. They said we resembled something a 1950s television show.

Dad had a wonderful sense of humor and no matter how busy he was, he always went his way to help people. Their marriage was no different. They hardly ever fought, and often they would kiss and cuddle in front of my brother and me just so we would get embarrassed.

Although I hardly acknowledged it, deep within I appreciated their example of love.

As I started to prepare for college, this normality of my parent's life began to change. Mom often appeared distant and confused. Dad said she was having a “midlife crisis.

” I had no idea what this meant, but to try and solve the problem, Mom moved our house for some time away. One month later she moved back in, yet the next two years became a familiar roller coaster. As a teenager I couldn't comprehend what was inside her.

All I saw was her walking farther away from God and Dad trying harder to stop her.

Divorce

After that walk around the block, Mom left again, only this time she never returned. Less than five months later, after 23 years of marriage, my parents were divorced. The people I had admired most throughout my life had broken my trust. As my life shattered to pieces, sorrow, anger, and a feeling of betrayal filled my heart.

Unfortunately, stories mine are becoming too common today – even among the well known. In a recent article, top Christian female singer Jaci Velasquez told of her parent's recent breakup. When the interviewer noted how devastating it must have been, Jaci replied, “It was horrible.

I secluded myself from everybody and everything, and was angry with God. I prayed, 'How could you let this happen?' I was sure it was my fault.” For years people have shown concern for young children when they suffer a parents divorce.

In my situation, I desired my reaction to be godly, but the divorce brought struggles I didn't know how to handle emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Following, are the five biggest struggles I encountered and the way God taught me to handle each one:

1. The Pain. all my struggles, this was the deepest and most difficult one. There were nights I cried for hours. I couldn't understand how this happened to my “perfect” family, and why it had to hurt me so badly.

   Desperate for answers, I pored over the Bible and found that the emotions I felt – betrayal, fear, anger, and hurt – Jesus felt too.

   He felt betrayed when his close friend Peter denied knowing Him; He agonized in a garden over the pain of His coming death; His anger ushered forth as He drove merchants temple courts; and He hurt deeply for the people He would die for on the cross.

   My heartache could have easily led me away from God, but instead I turned to Him and pressed on despite the pain. In return, His understanding of pain and the fact that He loved me comforted me and began to heal me.

2. Isolation. When difficult things happen in my life I tend to keep to myself. The problem with this is that I found myself feeling depressed and growing bitter because of the anger I held inside.

   Eventually I started talking to a couple of close friends. Sometimes I talked so much I was afraid my best friend was getting tired of hearing about my problems, but she reassured me that she wanted to be there for me no matter what.

   It's important to remember not to isolate yourself from others. Talk with a trusted friend or adult and continue in your normal activities. Express your feelings because keeping them inside may cause bitterness and may damage your future relationships.

   Also consider recording your thoughts in a journal to God, honestly telling Him how you feel.

3. Who's at Fault? Sometimes I wondered if the divorce was either my fault or God's fault. Through the counsel of friends I realized the divorce was not my fault, nor God's fault, but rather the product of a person's sin.

   Humans are selfish and sometimes make selfish decisions, forcing others to deal with consequences of pain. Once I understood this, my anger turned to grief and I found myself on my knees asking God to help my parents with what they were going through.

   Don't ever believe the lie that the divorce is your fault or that you should be able to somehow stop it.

4. Taking Sides. Although I knew my parent's divorce was wrong, I couldn't stop loving either one of them.

   My parents said they would never get me caught in the middle of their divorce, yet whenever conflict arose I felt obligated to either take a side or to somehow “keep the peace” in my family. I also found myself feeling responsible for their emotional well being.

   I learned that I couldn't play referee, or gossip to one parent about the other. This also involved being honest with my parents about my thoughts and feelings.

5. The Forgiveness Factor. Forgiveness is one struggle I still deal with today. After three years of heartache and confusion the pain hasn't completely gone away.

   Once in awhile a memory will pop into my head and I'll feel anger toward my parents, knowing the scars will always remain. But just as Jesus forgave those who hurt Him, I am also called to forgive those who hurt me.

   Repeatedly in the New Testament God stresses the significance of forgiveness. To Him forgiveness is not an option, but rather a command of obedience. Because in any case forgiveness can be a challenge, I pray and ask God for strength.

   I ask Him to change my heart to be graceful toward others, just as He is graceful toward me. Daily as I choose to forgive and not become bitter, negative feelings flow away and peace floods my heart.

Looking Ahead

I was married this past year, and while my relationship with my husband is amazing, sometimes I fear our marriage will end up my parent's marriage.

But just as I had a choice in how I reacted to my parent's divorce, I have a choice in how I will handle my marriage and my walk with God. When I go to prayer I ask God to heal families who are struggling to hold on, and to keep families strong who are already grounded in Him.

I ask Him to help me love, forgive, and obey Him in all circumstances especially concerning my own family. I won't allow my parent's divorce to destroy my new marriage or to destroy me.

Rather, I will allow it to change me into a person who bears good fruit so in the end I will have joy and God will be glorified. Despite the pain and the past, with God, I can face the future. And so can you.

Источник: //www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/relationship-challenges/divorce/when-your-parents-divorce

Know Your Legal Rights: Divorce Law in India

A divorce is among the most traumatic occurences for any couple. To add to this, it can also be a long-winded and costly affair in India if the divorce is contested. Even couples that mutually agree to the divorce, however, must prove that they have been separated for a year before the courts consider their plea.

In India, as with most personal matters, rules for divorce are connected to religion.

Divorce among Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs and Jains is governed by the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955, Muslims by the Dissolution of Muslim Marriages Act, 1939, Parsis by the Parsi Marriage and Divorce Act, 1936 and Christians by the Indian Divorce Act, 1869. All civil and inter-community marriages are governed by the Special Marriage Act, 1956.

Types of Divorce Petitions

A couple can get a divorce with mutual consent, or either spouse may file for divorce without the consent of the other.

Divorce With Mutual Consent: When husband and wife both agree to a divorce, the courts will consider a divorce with mutual consent.

For the petition to be accepted, however, the couple should be separated for over a year or two years (as per the relevant act) and be able to prove that they have not been able to live together.

Often, even when either husband or wife is reluctant, they still agree to such a divorce because it is relatively inexpensive and not as traumatic as a contested divorce. Matters such as children’s custody, maintenance and property rights could be agreed to mutually.

This must necessarily be worked out between the parties, as it is inevitably what requires the greatest amount of time in divorce without mutual consent.

Child custody in a mutual consent divorce can also be shared or joint or exclusive depending upon the understanding of the spouses. The third is property. The husband and wife must decide who gets what part of the property. This includes both movable and immovable property.

Right down to the bank accounts, everything must be divided. It is not necessary for it to be fair, so long as it is agreed to by both parties.

The duration of a divorce by mutual consent varies from six to 18 months, depending on the decision of the court. Usually, the courts prefer to end mutual consent divorces sooner, rather than later.

As per Section 13 B of Hindu Marriage Act, 1955 and Section 28 of the Special Marriage Act, 1954, the couple should be living separately for at least one year before divorce proceedings can begin.

Section 10A of Divorce Act, 1869, however, requires the couple to be separated for at least two years.

Do note that living separately does not necessarily mean living in different locations; the couple only needs to provide that they have not been living as husband and wife during this time period.

Divorce Without Mutual Consent: In case of a contested divorce, there are specific grounds on which the petition can be made. It isn’t as if a husband or wife can simply ask for a divorce without stating a reason. The reasons for divorce are as follows, though some are not applicable to all religions.

1. Cruelty
Cruelty may be physical or mental cruelty. According to the Hindu Divorce Laws in India, if one spouse has a reasonable apprehension in the mind that the other spouse’s conduct is ly to be injurious or harmful, then there is sufficient ground for obtaining divorce due to cruelty by the spouse.

2. Adultery
In India, a man that commits adultery (i.e. has consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage) can be charged with a criminal offence.

The wife may, of course, file for divorce as a civil remedy.

3. Desertion
One spouse deserting the other without reasonable cause (cruelty, for example) is reason for divorce.

However, the spouse who abandons the other should intend to desert and there should be proof of it. As per Hindu laws, the desertion should have lasted at least two continuous years.

Christians, however, will not be able to file a divorce petition solely for this reason.

4. Conversion
Divorce can be sought by a spouse if the other spouse converts to another religion. This reason does not require any time to have passed before divorce can be filed.

5. Mental Disorder
If the spouse is incapable of performing the normal duties required in a marriage on account of mental illness, divorce can be sought. If the mental illness is to such an extent that the normal duties of married life cannot be performed.

6. Communicable Disease
If the spouse suffers from a communicable disease, such as HIV/AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhea or a virulent and incurable form of leprosy, the Hindu Divorce Laws in India say that the other party can obtain a divorce.

7. Renunciation of the World
If the spouse renounces his/her married life and opts for sanyasa, the aggrieved spouse may obtain a divorce.

8. Presumption of Death
If the spouse has not been heard of as being alive for a period of at least seven years, by such individuals who would have heard about such spouse, if he or she were alive, then the spouse who is alive can obtain a judicial decree of divorce.

What is Alimony?

When two people are married, they have an obligation to support each other. This does not necessarily end with divorce. Under the Code of Criminal Procedure, 1973, the right of maintenance extends to any person economically dependent on the marriage. This will include, therefore, either spouse, dependent children and even indigent parents.

The claim of either spouse (though, in the vast majority of cases, it is the wife), however, depends on the husband having sufficient means. When deciding how much alimony is to be paid, the courts will take into account the earning potential of the husband, his ability to regenerate his fortune (in case, say, the property is given to the wife) and his liabilities.

In case either spouse is unable to pay for the divorce, these expenses would also be paid by the spouse that does have an income.

Factors that influences the duration and amount of alimony
In a contested divorce, the alimony, its amount and tenure, depend upon the length of marriage. A divorce after a decade of marriage entitles the spouse to a life-long alimony. The other essential factors that need to be considered are:

1. Age of the spouse (or the person who is entitled to receive the alimony)2. Economic condition or the earnings of the person who is to provide the alimony3.

The health of both spouse (the failing health or a medical condition of one of the spouses who is going to receive the alimony may act in favour of him or her. They can claim a larger alimony on the basis of their failing health).

4.

The spouse that retains custody of the child would be entitled to either pay lesser alimony or be entitled to a greater amount while the child is a minor.

How are property matters settled?

It seldom matters whether you or your spouse own the property. If you are married – irrespective of the fact that a divorce petition has been filed – you have the right to occupy the property.

If you are also looking after children, the case is much stronger.

While the property may be granted to one or the other spouse in the divorce settlement, until this is done, both spouses have the right to remain on the property.

What about child custody?

Many assume that the mother always gets custody of her children. This is not the case. While the courts usually agree to the decision of the parents in a mutual consent divorce, the courts are expected to see to the best interest of the child.

In a contested divorce, the courts will examine the ability of the mother or father to be a parent to the child, for example. Money is not usually a matter that is considered.

Non-working mothers are regularly given custody of their children, but fathers are expected to provide financial support.

How much does it cost to get a divorce?

Court fees for filing a divorce are low; the cost of a divorce is mainly in the fees you pay your lawyer. Lawyers tend to charge fees for appearing in court and doing any other work. Depending on how intensely it is fought, therefore, a divorce may cost anywhere from the low ten thousands to lakhs of rupees.

What documents are required to file for divorce?

1. Address proof of husband2. Address proof of wife3. Marriage certificate4. Four passport size photographs of marriage of husband and wife5. Evidence proving spouses are living separately since more than a year6.

Evidence relating to the failed attempts of reconciliation7. Income tax statements for the last 2-3 years8. Details of profession and present remuneration9. Information relating to family background

10.

Details of properties and other assets owned by the petitioner

Annulment of marriage

Marriages in India can also be dissolved by means of annulment. The procedure for annulment is same as that of divorce, except that the grounds for annulment are different from that of divorce. Reasons for annulment are fraud, the pregnancy of wife by a person other than the husband, impotence before the marriage and subsisting even at the time of filing the case.

Once annulment is granted by an Indian court, the status of the parties remains as it was prior to the marriage.

Void marriage

A marriage is automatically void and is automatically annulled when law prohibits it. Section 11 of Hindu Marriage Act, 1955 deals with:

Any marriage solemnized after the commencement of this Act shall be null and void and may, on a petition presented by either party thereto, against the other party be so declared by a decree of nullity if it contravenes any one of the conditions specified in clauses (i), (iv) and (v), Section 5 of the Act.

Bigamy: If either spouse was still legally married to another person at the time of the marriage then the marriage is void, and no formal annulment is necessary.

Interfamily marriage: A marriage between an ancestor and a descendant, or between a brother and a sister, whether the relationship is by the half or the whole blood or by adoption.

Marriage between close relatives: A marriage between an uncle and a niece, between an aunt and a nephew, or between first cousins, whether the relationship is by the half or the whole blood, except as to marriages permitted by the established customs.

Voidable marriage

A voidable marriage is one where an annulment is not automatic and must be sought by one of the parties. Generally, an annulment may be sought by one of the parties to a marriage if the intent to enter into the civil contract of marriage was not present at the time of the marriage, either due to mental illness, intoxication, duress or fraud.

The duration for obtaining divorce varies from case to case and place to place. Generally speaking, contested divorce proceedings take 18 to 24 months. Mutual consent divorce varies from 6 months to 18 months.

Источник: //vakilsearch.com/advice/divorce-in-india/