Parents Prayer For A Married Son Facing Divorce

Dealing With Divorce

Parents Prayer For A Married Son Facing Divorce

For many people, their parents' divorce marks a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now.

About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so plenty of kids and teens have to go through this. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of what it all means.

It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.

Why Are My Parents Divorcing?

Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they married has changed.

Divorce also can be because one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it's due to a serious problem drinking, abuse, or gambling.

Sometimes nothing bad happens, but parents just decide to live apart.

Did you know it's really common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault? Just try to remember that parents' decisions to split up are to do with issues between them, and not because of something you might have done or not done.

Some kids feel guilty about what happened, or wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.

If your parents are divorcing, you may experience many feelings. Your emotions may change a lot, too. You may feel stressed out, angry, frustrated, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation.

You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You also may feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension or fighting at home.

These feelings are very typical and talking about them with a friend, family member, or trusted adult can really help.

How Will Divorce Change My Life?

Depending on what happens in your family, you might have to adjust to many changes. These could include things moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings about one another.

Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You could end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly. At the beginning, it means you might have to be flexible and might have more hassles to deal with for a while.

Some teens have to travel between parents, and that can create challenges both socially and practically. Over time you can figure out a new routine that works for all of you. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and let families figure out what works best.

Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.

Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.

What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make It Easier

Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other.

You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other.

No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel. Letting your parents know that even though you know everyone is super-stressed, you don’t want to get caught in the middle.

Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to “take sides.

” You need to feel free to hang out with and talk to each of your parents without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad.

It's unfair for anyone to feel that talking to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.

When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids.

Kids and teens also can benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup. It might feel weird at first to talk to someone you don't know about personal feelings, but it can be really helpful to hear about how other teens in your situation have coped.

Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance.

Even a quick email saying “I'm thinking of you” helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.

Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, games, meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the other is present.

It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce.

You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.

Talk about the future. Many teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce ( legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things.

Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you.

Don't worry about putting added stress on your parents, just try to pick a good time to talk when everyone is feeling calm. It's better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build.

There are solutions for most problems and advisors and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.

Figure out your strengths. How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that problems will magically disappear?

A life-changing event a divorce can put people through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put in place some new coping skills.

For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it calmly with your mom or dad can help.

You may want to tell them you have a right to love both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other.

If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.

Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel your own life is on hold.

In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible.

When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same.

If things get too hard at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down.

Take care of yourself by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters! Figure out what's important to you — spending time with friends, working hard at school, writing or drawing, or being great at basketball. Finding your inner strength and focusing on your own goals can really help your stress levels.

Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass.

If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you.

Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one.

Many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.

Bringing Out the Positive

There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You might even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.

Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together.

Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.

Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings, some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most teens who go through a divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully.

Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD

Date reviewed: January 2015

Источник: //kidshealth.org/en/teens/divorce.html

When Your Parents Divorce

Parents Prayer For A Married Son Facing Divorce

My heart broke the day my mom told me she didn't love my dad anymore. It was June, without a cloud in the sky on that hot Arizona day. After completing my sophomore year of college in California, I decided to go home for a weekend visit with my parents.

As always, it was nice visiting my family, but at the same time something didn't feel right. Shortly before I left to go back, my mom asked me to take a walk around our block. The walk was mostly silent, and then, without looking at me, she dropped the bomb.

  • I don't love your dad anymore…
  • I'm not sure what to do about it…
  • I'm considering moving out…

My body felt numb. Was I dreaming? Her words repeated over and over in my head, but they wouldn't sink into my heart. Stunned and silent, my only thought was “why?” – why in the world was this happening to my family? Filled with anger, I got in my car and drove back to California. I cried almost the entire way.

Our Past

You have to know some things about my family to understand why this came as an overwhelming shock. Up until this point, I believed I had a perfect family.

I know that sounds unrealistic, but my friends constantly told me how lucky I was to have parents who raised my brother and me in a Christian home.

They were surprised my parents were still married and that we actually did “family things” together. They said we resembled something a 1950s television show.

No matter the situation, Mom was an optimistic person. I learned the importance of selflessness through the countless times I saw her extend a hand to friends, elderly, and the homeless.

Dad had a wonderful sense of humor and no matter how busy he was, he always went his way to help people. Their marriage was no different. They hardly ever fought, and often they would kiss and cuddle in front of my brother and me just so we would get embarrassed.

Although I hardly acknowledged it, deep within I appreciated their example of love.

As I started to prepare for college, this normality of my parent's life began to change. Mom often appeared distant and confused. Dad said she was having a “midlife crisis.

” I had no idea what this meant, but to try and solve the problem, Mom moved our house for some time away. One month later she moved back in, yet the next two years became a familiar roller coaster. As a teenager I couldn't comprehend what was inside her.

All I saw was her walking farther away from God and Dad trying harder to stop her.

Divorce

After that walk around the block, Mom left again, only this time she never returned. Less than five months later, after 23 years of marriage, my parents were divorced. The people I had admired most throughout my life had broken my trust. As my life shattered to pieces, sorrow, anger, and a feeling of betrayal filled my heart.

Unfortunately, stories mine are becoming too common today – even among the well known. In a recent article, top Christian female singer Jaci Velasquez told of her parent's recent breakup. When the interviewer noted how devastating it must have been, Jaci replied, “It was horrible.

I secluded myself from everybody and everything, and was angry with God. I prayed, 'How could you let this happen?' I was sure it was my fault.” For years people have shown concern for young children when they suffer a parents divorce.

But what if you're a young adult, such as Jaci Velasquez, or myself, and your parents divorce? As a young woman you have enough to handle and adjust to in your life when abruptly you can be forced to deal with something you never expected, nor ever asked for.

In my situation, I desired my reaction to be godly, but the divorce brought struggles I didn't know how to handle emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Following, are the five biggest struggles I encountered and the way God taught me to handle each one:

  1. The Pain. all my struggles, this was the deepest and most difficult one. There were nights I cried for hours. I couldn't understand how this happened to my “perfect” family, and why it had to hurt me so badly.

    Desperate for answers, I pored over the Bible and found that the emotions I felt – betrayal, fear, anger, and hurt – Jesus felt too.

    He felt betrayed when his close friend Peter denied knowing Him; He agonized in a garden over the pain of His coming death; His anger ushered forth as He drove merchants temple courts; and He hurt deeply for the people He would die for on the cross.

    My heartache could have easily led me away from God, but instead I turned to Him and pressed on despite the pain. In return, His understanding of pain and the fact that He loved me comforted me and began to heal me.

  2. Isolation. When difficult things happen in my life I tend to keep to myself. The problem with this is that I found myself feeling depressed and growing bitter because of the anger I held inside.

    Eventually I started talking to a couple of close friends. Sometimes I talked so much I was afraid my best friend was getting tired of hearing about my problems, but she reassured me that she wanted to be there for me no matter what.

    It's important to remember not to isolate yourself from others. Talk with a trusted friend or adult and continue in your normal activities. Express your feelings because keeping them inside may cause bitterness and may damage your future relationships.

    Also consider recording your thoughts in a journal to God, honestly telling Him how you feel.

  3. Who's at Fault? Sometimes I wondered if the divorce was either my fault or God's fault. Through the counsel of friends I realized the divorce was not my fault, nor God's fault, but rather the product of a person's sin.

    Humans are selfish and sometimes make selfish decisions, forcing others to deal with consequences of pain. Once I understood this, my anger turned to grief and I found myself on my knees asking God to help my parents with what they were going through.

    Don't ever believe the lie that the divorce is your fault or that you should be able to somehow stop it.

  4. Taking Sides. Although I knew my parent's divorce was wrong, I couldn't stop loving either one of them.

    My parents said they would never get me caught in the middle of their divorce, yet whenever conflict arose I felt obligated to either take a side or to somehow “keep the peace” in my family. I also found myself feeling responsible for their emotional well being.

    I learned that I couldn't play referee, or gossip to one parent about the other. This also involved being honest with my parents about my thoughts and feelings.

  5. The Forgiveness Factor. Forgiveness is one struggle I still deal with today. After three years of heartache and confusion the pain hasn't completely gone away.

    Once in awhile a memory will pop into my head and I'll feel anger toward my parents, knowing the scars will always remain. But just as Jesus forgave those who hurt Him, I am also called to forgive those who hurt me.

    Repeatedly in the New Testament God stresses the significance of forgiveness. To Him forgiveness is not an option, but rather a command of obedience. Because in any case forgiveness can be a challenge, I pray and ask God for strength.

    I ask Him to change my heart to be graceful toward others, just as He is graceful toward me. Daily as I choose to forgive and not become bitter, negative feelings flow away and peace floods my heart.

Looking Ahead

I was married this past year, and while my relationship with my husband is amazing, sometimes I fear our marriage will end up my parent's marriage.

But just as I had a choice in how I reacted to my parent's divorce, I have a choice in how I will handle my marriage and my walk with God. When I go to prayer I ask God to heal families who are struggling to hold on, and to keep families strong who are already grounded in Him.

I ask Him to help me love, forgive, and obey Him in all circumstances especially concerning my own family. I won't allow my parent's divorce to destroy my new marriage or to destroy me.

Rather, I will allow it to change me into a person who bears good fruit so in the end I will have joy and God will be glorified. Despite the pain and the past, with God, I can face the future. And so can you.

Источник: //www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/relationship-challenges/divorce/when-your-parents-divorce

Changing Allegiance From Parents To Spouse

Parents Prayer For A Married Son Facing Divorce

In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31.

God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves changing allegiance from parents to spouse.

Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.

Importance of Psychological Break from Parents

It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife.

This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important.

No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.

What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.

Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.

Making Spouse Happy Should Take Precedence

The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life.

Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy.

Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).

This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,

“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me.

It is my hope you will understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.

Importance of Changing Allegiance From Parents to Spouse

…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored.

The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him.

The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.

If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth.

If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines.

Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.

Honor Parents, but Not Above Spouse

The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.

The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage.

Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death.

Honor was the original command and stands forever.

The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor.

You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner.

“Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.

How is this Honor Expressed in Daily Life?

You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”

A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example.

In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month.

If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.

Holidays Can Get Complicated

Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays —Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner.

That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be the principle of equality.

This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.

Speak Kindly

To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).

The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”

When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.

Practical Suggestions:

If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them.

If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold.

You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.

Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.

The Bible Gives Examples

The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws.

Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.

“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.

Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).

Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.

This article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published).

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Источник: //marriagemissions.com/changing-allegiance-parents-spouse/

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