Loss Of My Wife Due To An Affair
Time For Real Talk – The leverage you have when your husband won’t leave the other woman
by Sarah P.
Note: This is the first installment of a two-part series where Sarah P. will address the leverage one has when their spouse won’t leave their affair partner. This week she addresses when the husband won’t end the affair and next week she’ll dig into when the wife won’t leave her affair partner.
It’s one of the worst feelings in the world: feeling you lost control of your marriage and have possibly lost your husband for good. Your husband was selfish enough to have an affair and yet you feel you don’t have a say in what happens next. Or perhaps what hurts the most is the feeling that you are not enough.
But, here is the thing—feeling you are not enough and actually not being enough are two very distinct things. Unfortunately, feelings are powerful and they can make or break you because they inform your perception of yourself. This will influence how you carry yourself and even how you make decisions.
After your husband has had an affair, one of the biggest feelings (lies) you will have to overcome is that you were not enough. Otherwise, how could he have done what he did?
He did what he did for many reasons, but mostly because he was selfish and did not have enough integrity to stop himself. He is a flawed person who did not think of the harm he would be doing to his family.
But, regardless of his actions, you still have power – and a lot of it. You have more leverage than you could ever imagine and you can use your inherent position of power to get him to think twice about the other woman.
Understanding Your Power
You might ask yourself what kind of power you have when he won’t give up his affair partner. The power that you have has to do with the nature of a man’s feelings when he has an affair. When men have affairs, here is what you need to know about how they feel about you:
- When a man has an affair, usually, his love for his wife is not diminished.
- When he has an affair, usually he does not want to give up his marriage.
- A man can have an affair that is purely sexual and he can separate it entirely from his life as a husband and father. (1)
- A man’s greatest fear is that his wife will have a sexual affair with another man. (Yes, this is a great paradox and a double standard. But, feelings are not logical).
- A man has conflicting feelings for his mistress. On one hand, he is in lust and carried away by the heady cocktail of drugs the brain produces. (I call it “lust dumb”). On the other hand, he has a nagging feeling that he might have done the wrong thing and that the other woman isn’t so great.
- A part of him knows the relationship with the other woman can go nowhere because she is inherently untrustworthy.
- Ninety percent of men choose not to leave their wives for their mistresses. (Whether their wife leaves is a different matter).
- A man can still be in what he considers a generally happy marriage while still having an affair.
- Beauty is usually not a motivation for cheating since only 12% of cheaters think their mistress is more attractive than their wives. (2)
- About 70% of men never believed themselves to be capable of cheating. (3)
All of the above points make no sense to most women. But, knowledge is power and knowing his perspective on all of this allows you to see exactly where you stand. When you know where you stand, you can easily see the leverage that you have in your marriage.
How You Can Proceed When Your Husband Won’t End the Affair
The first thing you must do is to make sure that you do not carry yourself a wounded warrior or a woman who is second best. In fact, you should carry yourself as a woman who is the best because you did nothing wrong and you had the integrity to stay true to your marriage. Therefore, instead of walking around you are afraid you are going to lose him, make him earn you back.
You can do this first by carrying yourself with confidence and by developing a full and meaningful life outside of your relationship. As Linda and Doug have mentioned several times over the years, self-care is vital.
Why not take up ballroom dancing without him, join a co-ed walking or jogging group, or go to the gym and get a personal trainer (perhaps a male one at that).Perhaps getting a haircut and color and updating your wardrobe with a couple of outfits that fit well and make you feel good about yourself. Why?
Are you doing this to get him back – to punish him?
All of this might sound superficial to you at first. But, if you think about it, you will soon realize that all of these things serve to build your confidence both inside and out.
When you take time for yourself, you are saying to yourself that you are worth it and others will take note. You will naturally carry yourself someone who matters and who deserves to take up the space around you.
Naturally, your husband will wonder what’s going on and start to think more about you and less about the other woman. After he sees a change, he may begin to fear that he will lose you. This is a big deal since he never stopped loving you and his intent was never to lose you.
Finally, if he still doesn’t budge, it may be time to coolly and confidently ask him to leave. As you ask him to leave, you may remind him that he chose to pursue certain endeavors that are destructive to your marriage. Then, simply tell him he needs to start packing.
You might be thinking that everything I have said to this point is hogwash, too harsh, or un-Christian. But, I beg to differ since I attained this perspective after reading a book by Dr. James Dobson of Focus On the Family. The book is called Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis and it provides advice that sounds 100% counter-intuitive to most of us. (4)
Dr. Dobson openly admits that many men will have their cake and eat it too if they are allowed to do so. He says that the most powerful thing that a woman can do is to ask her husband to leave and to stand by that decision.
There will be no going back and forth, no crying, no listening to his manipulation and protestations of love. You do not have time for that and you will simply make sure he leaves. If he does not wish to do that, ask a male family member to come over and help him pack.This is not the time to worry about his feelings, because he did not worry about how his actions would impact you or your children. (If the children ask, tell them that you two have some things to think about and the thinking is better done separately).
If you are a Christian, I urge you to ignore your pastor or friends who tell you that a Christian woman stands by her man. If you are not convinced by what I say, you must read the book by Dr. Dobson, who is an authority on Christianity, to get the whole Christian perspective.
You must understand that when your husband has an affair, the last thing you want to do is to “give him grace.” I need you as a woman to put on your sassy pants and refuse to take it.
What purpose does any of this serve if he moves out—doesn’t that get you further away from your goal?
When he is asked to move out, a major shift in his thinking will occur. He will look at the other woman and blame her for what happened. He will start to look at her in a critical light and wonder if she was worth it. He will pull away from her.
When he starts being less attentive to the other woman, her nasty side will ly rear its ugly head. The other woman will begin to act clingy, become demanding, and require more of him. She will give him ultimatums and order him to make choices he doesn’t want to make.
Suddenly, it’s not so fun anymore because real life hits him smack in the face. He will be ripped right off Fantasy Island only to be thrown into Fatal Attraction as the other woman stares him down with angry, bloodshot eyes. At that point, it will sure stink to be him.
You see, being a woman of integrity also means standing for principle and doing what is right. Both common moral codes as well as the Ten Commandments forbid adultery. If he will not give up the other woman, then refuse to be an enabler to adultery by allowing him to continue to live at home. But, forcing him to move out is also the very thing that will bring him back.Even though it might seem frightening, please know that you have always been the one in the right and standing up in this way to his adultery could be the best thing that can happen to your marriage.
A final word: if this article makes sense to you, please order a copy of Dr. Dobson’s book because it contains all of the reasoning behind why it’s best to take a stand.
But, it also provides the details of how to correctly pursue this course of action. My articles can only scratch the surface of topics and get you thinking in the right direction.
But, always consult a professional before proceeding with life-changing events.
Many blessings to you and always remember that you are not alone on your journey and there is relief in sight.
Please share your own experiences and/or comments below. Thanks!
What to do When Your Wife is having an Affair: Some Steps You can Follow
Most infidelities just come the blue. Nobody wanted it to happen although there are possible reasons behind it. These do not justify the act, however, and if you’re reading this to find out what to do when your wife is having an affair, there are steps which can help you out.
What to do when your wife is having an affair: awareness
The first step is always awareness. Understand that it’s not just about her having sex with someone else. It’s about her breaking the bond of trust, loyalty, honesty, and respect in marriage.
In some cases, it may even result to both of you being exposed to sexually transmitted diseases or STDs. If the latter is suspected, both parties must undergo a medical examination just to be sure.
What to do when your wife is having an affair: confrontation
Confronting your wife is often done right after the deed is out in the open. It will be wiser however to let it pass for a while and consider a sincere and straight from the heart talk when you’re ready to listen. Some of the relevant questions you need to ask yourself before and after the confrontation are:
“What do I want? Is it ending the relationship or making it work?”
“Am I open forCredit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net the possibility of working things out?”
“Can I forgive her for what she did?”
“How far am I willing to do in order to make things work?”
Extra-marital affairs are often not serious
If the affair just came nowhere, then it’s most ly nothing serious.
The fact that you are married or is committed to each other makes your relationship far better than an illicit affair full of secrecy and denial.
Studies show that most extra-marital affairs end up with legitimate husbands and wives getting back together again. Most affairs from nowhere also don’t last too long and when they end, they often end for good.
Why men leave their wives
Most men do not leave their wives due to an issue with infidelity.
The most common reasons behind separation include financial problems, physical incapacity, irreconcilable differences (it’s even a ground for divorce or annulment), and the lack of a fruitful, fulfilling, and satisfying relationship. These do not justify cheating in a relationship though and are only mentioned for reference.
What to do when your wife is having an affair: counseling
A positive result of a reasonable confrontation will have both parties agree upon seeking the assistance of a professional marriage counselor.
This step can help you decide whether or not to continue with the relationship.
A professional counselor can assist both parties to understand the root cause of the problem and can suggest strategies to make it work even after the illicit affair.
There’s no guarantee that a cheating wife will no longer have affairs the blue after a confrontation or marriage counseling. But since marriage is about love, hope, trust, and communication, your marriage is more than enough to at least give her a chance. She may have to do her best in winning your trust and respect back in case both of you agrees upon the possibility of making things work.
What to do when your wife is having an affair: dealing with everyone
The most important people you have to deal with are your kids although they are often the last to know.
So once you decide to bring them into the picture, be honest enough to tell them what exactly is going on without diving into the details of her infidelity.
Your wife is still the mother of your kids and you must make sure that they continue to love and respect her despite your marriage problems.
Speaking of respect, she deserves it from you too in spite of what she did. Telling just about anybody about her mistake won’t do you any good.
It’s just a waste of your time, makes you more miserable about it, and prevents you from finding a resolution to your marital problems. Even if you decide to end the relationship, there should still be respect for each other.
You can show respect by not loosely telling everybody about what she did.
Catch an Unfaithful Wife – Subtle Signs to Watch out for
How to Forgive a Cheating Wife: Some Thoughts You Need to Ponder Upon
Tips on How to Get Over a Cheating Wife
18 Reasons why NOT to have an affair
Part 2 of this post is: “When you’re tempted to have an affair”
with reasons 10-18, because it would be too long of a post for one.
Why would someone have an affair when they knew in their hearts it’s wrong?
How do otherwise good people decide to get into an affair? Hey, there’s no judgement here, because I was one of them.
But I want to talk to those who may just be thinking of having an affair.
There’s usually a period of time, when a person is just thinking of cheating on their spouse. It all starts in our minds, my friend.
Is that you right now?
Although we may justify, to ourselves, that our flirting is innocent;
it’s a dangerous game of playing with fire.
If you play too close to infidelity, you’ll eventually be burned
So, if you’ve found yourself thinking of having an affair,
even just entertaining the thoughts occasionally,
here are some things you should consider before following through.
1.The affair is an illusion that life will be better with this new person.
We usually choose to only see their positive qualities. We’re often blinded to anything negative. It’s only later on, after we’ve entered into an affair, that we realize the affair actually made our lives worse. The affair partner wasn’t an angel in disguise after all.
And would you really be happy if you married this person?
2. Secrecy and Lies will become your new normal.
You’ll begin to change into something you won’t even recognize.
Your life will be characterized by lies and deceit. The very existence of an affair needs secrecy to survive, and so you’ll find more ways to lie everyday.
Only these lies will be to the very person you vowed to love and cherish the rest of your days.Keeping those lies straight will become your part of your daily thoughts, wondering who you said what to. Callousness will easily grow in your heart as you find yourself not caring as much about your former values, you once did.
3. Your secret will find you out.
You will be caught eventually. Part of the illusion (#1) is thinking that you won’t be caught. It may not happen immediately, or next month, but it will happen.
Secrets don’t stay secrets for very long. People usually having the latest gossip on others. So once people find out, your ‘secret’ will ly spread wildfire.
4. Your integrity and reputation will be lost
No matter how many years you’ve spent building up your reputation, it only takes one act of moral indiscretion to lose it. It will deeply impact those you love, and hurt them to the core. Those closest to you will be very disappointed, and their trust in your integrity often won’t return for many years. Some friends you’ve known for years will leave the friendship, as they
can’t stay friends with a ‘cheater’. Trust me, it happens all the time.
5. ‘Do as I say not as I do’.
Anyone who looked up to you, or who trusted you, won’t value what you say as much now. It’s difficult to tell our children to not do drugs when we do them ourselves. So it is with adultery. The values we taught them will look hypocritical now, particularly with our children.
That respect is not impossible to return, but it’s a very long road back to being a moral example.
(this one breaks my heart, to think of how deeply I hurt my own sons.)
6. Your spouse’s trust in you will be lost.
Sometimes that trust can eventually return, but sometimes it cannot. Even if your marriage does eventually survive, trust takes a lot of work, and many years to return.
Living under suspicion is never a fun place to be and you’ll have to explain your actions and whereabouts for awhile.
7. You’ll spend years putting your life back together.
The guilt and shame you’ll feel about yourself will ly linger a long time. The lie is that we’re ‘only’ being unfaithful in our marriage. But the reality is, we’ve broken trust and relationships with others in our lives too.
And the fact is, we hurt ourselves, and our own souls, in the process as well.
8. Guilt and shame will become your new companions.
You’ll find it hard to shake the guilt and shame at first. No matter how much you ignore those feelings, your own moral convictions will prove you do. You can ignore the convictions for a while, but they’ll grow bigger and get louder. It’s called our conscience. And if you continue on, you risk a hardened and cold heart. That’s not much better.
Overcoming the shame from infidelity isn’t an easy thing to do.
9. Nobody usually ever “affair’s up”.
This means the person you have an affair with, is most ly way lower on the scale of moral integrity, conviction and positive character traits. Maybe they’re more attractive, or they make more money.
But the fact is, most people “affair down” not up.
Look at it closely, is this person really better than your spouse? Where is their maturity, loyalty, spirituality, integrity and other important character traits?Just the fact that they’re willing to cheat with you, shows their character is lacking.
True Love rejoices in the truth. Is this person encouraging you to be truthful or to lie?
Continue to Part 2 (numbers 10-18, of this post): “When you’re tempted to have an affair”.
Here are some other posts you might also find helpful:
If you’re already caught in the trap of an affair:
read my post on breaking off an affair.
How to end an affair for good.
Why ending an affair is so hard.
Also be sure to check out our Affair Recovery Resource Library for a lot of free resources