Loneliness After Being Betrayed

Healing Isolation, Fear and Loneliness After Narcissistic Abuse

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is such a big thing. It is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do because there are crippling feelings to deal with.

There is the death of the dreams that we thought we were going to be living with this person, the shock of what this person is capable of, the fallout due to the smearing, the losses of finances, resources and our health (all the usual symptoms of narcissistic abuse), and the dreaded pain of the reality of life now, as we look at the rubble of our previous life on the floor all around us.

In amongst all of this, I believe there are three overwhelmingly painful and traumatising feelings that we are suffering, regardless of the practicalities and the real-life battle we are facing and suffering.

These are Isolation, Fear and Loneliness.

The Insidious Feelings of Isolation

We feel so alone with all of this. We want to clutch onto someone or something to help us, yet they can’t. We feel shameful, defective and broken and that no one can really understand us. So many people in our life simply can’t get it. They either don’t see what the narcissist has done, or tragically side with him or her, or if they are with us, just tell us to ‘get over it’.

Additionally, maybe we have been hiding from others what is really going on, or simply haven’t been able to face them.

Perhaps we have become so reliant on, trapped with and trauma bonded to the narcissist that we don’t know how to connect and relate to other people any more.

Now that the narcissist has gone, we may feel we are dying without their presence because we feel so emptied out and incapable of looking after ourselves and generating our own life.

This may shock us, especially if we have been a person who previously prided ourselves on being strong and being seen by others as capable. Now, horrifyingly, we may feel a man or women stranded in the middle of a barren desert where no one is coming, and there are no resources available for us.

Initially, after narcissistic abuse, we may feel the only person on the planet who has suffered this and felt so low and shattered, but I promise you that we aren’t. There are so many people who have experienced these common feelings of utter helplessness, hopelessness and being hooked, addicted, obsessed and life will never be okay again.

Soon we will look at how we can recover from this, but before we do, let’s check out ‘the Fear’.

The Frightful Feelings of Fear

The feelings of fear that engulf us because of narcissistic abuse are akin to a literal soul fracture.

Everything we believed about ourselves, others and life has been turned upside down and inside out. What terrifies us the most is we don’t know who we are anymore other than this screaming agony inside us which is letting us know that something is terribly wrong with us.

It’s very scary when we can’t just get on with our lives ‘as normal’, and we have no idea how we are ever going to even ‘feel normal’ again.

These questions haunt us: Why can’t I just get on with it? Why can’t I just forget what happened? Why can’t I let go of the urge to reconnect with this person who I know is/was destroying me? Why can’t I get them my head no matter what I do?

There are reasons for all of this, which our normal human conditioning hasn’t taught us about. Reasons that we only start discovering and releasing ourselves from when we go deeper than the standard faux solutions which is to ‘do or take something so that these feelings stop.’

The pain of narcissistic abuse is terrible and inevitable, but it only becomes and remains chronic suffering if we miss exactly what the pain is all about.

Emotional pain and fear are no different to a baby crying, a ceiling dripping or your car engine making grinding noises. It means ‘something requires attention here and if it doesn’t get your attention then there will be a bigger problem soon,’ such as nappy rash, ruined carpet and furniture, and your car engine stopping.

The phenomenon of narcissistic abuse is a soul healing opportunity at the highest level.

When we are carrying traumas and false beliefs that are not our True Self, that unconsciously keeps us trapped and rolling around with these people, rather than leaving and looking after ourselves, we continue to be abused with the evidence of these continuing traumas and painful beliefs.

This hurts hell. Our unhealed old wounds are ripped open repeatedly. The more we look to the narcissist as the solution and try and change and fix them to stop the fear and pain, the harder these wounds get smashed open.

Finally, when the relationship ends, we are left with the wounds and aftermath of the abuse of being alignment with our true selves and true life and trying to fruitlessly hold a false self responsible for it. We are the victim. We feel ripped off, devastated, cheated and deeply abused.

This is all a part of the normal feelings and trauma until we realise the truth. This person is showing you those insecure, unhealed parts within yourself that weren’t anchored yet in your own power to be the source of your own life, generating your own life with the healthy components and people of life, regardless of what any other people are or aren’t doing.

The terrible, shocking fear we feel, I promise you, is this: Our inner being knowing we have not yet turned inwards to self-partner, and that no one is at the helm, and that looking outwards to false sources only means more pain and destruction is coming.

Now let’s check out Loneliness.

The Empty Terror of Loneliness

We may believe that ‘loneliness’ confirms that we are unloved, unworthy of love and all alone because of this. In our conditioned human makeup, we have believed that our worth is what other people reflect back to us. Yet this is such a false premise.

It is in the loneliness that occurs, because of narcissistic abuse, that we can finally discover the key to our true emancipation and be released from the old self of abuse and powerlessness to the new self of freedom and powerfulness.

Let me explain …

How to Heal Isolation, Fear, and Loneliness

This is how we start the process… Say this declaration with me: “I (my name) I am going to turn my loneliness into the greatest mission, connection and love for myself that will heal all of my life from here onwards, and so it is.”

How does this feel in your body?

You may want to write this down in your journal and date it to make it really concrete for you.

Now let’s dive into this.

We will never overcome our traumas and limitations until we embrace loneliness because within it we establish the most vital relationship that we will ever have, which is the relationship we are having with ourselves.

At the quantum level, everyone who is in your experience is reflecting back a part of you. Many people get this confused when they say ‘What! You are telling me I’m a bad person because I have been with a narcissist?’ That is not what I am saying at all. What I am saying is that people treat us, and we stay attached to the treatment that matches how we treat ourselves.

Therefore, if we invalidate and are hard on ourselves, then we accept people who treat us the same way.

If we don’t love and accept ourselves and expect ourselves to be ‘perfect’ then for another, we will never be good enough.

If we self-abandon and self-avoid ourselves with distractions and addictions when we are in emotional distress, then we gravitate to others who will abandon and replace us when we need them too. So within, so without.

Please don’t for one moment think that if you clean this up that the narcissist would be different. That’s not what I am saying. Narcissists are narcissists.

What I am trying to help you understand is that if we are not having a true and loving relationship with ourselves, then we are susceptible to getting with false selves who will smash us with our own unhealed wounds as hard as it takes until we turn inwards to free ourselves from them.

How do we heal and create a healthy connection to life and others again? By firstly connecting with ourselves.

In the past when we had traumatic events and problems, we may have been able to get up and get moving and recommence, despite the pain. Narcissistic abuse is different. This time trying to do that doesn’t work.

And it’s not meant to, because rather than self-avoid and self-abandon the inner screams of pain, it’s now time to honour, ‘come heal this.’

When we dedicate to the truth and start leaning inwards to these unhealed places of ourselves to heal them back to wholeness and wellbeing, the pain stops, and the incredible feelings of growth, expansion, wisdom, resolution, and gratitude begin.  If the feeling of pain of the breakdown of your life from narcissistic abuse is a 10/10 on the scale, then I promise you the breakthrough feelings on the other side are a 10/10 of even greater magnitude.

I know it’s the hardest thing you could ever do, meet yourself and heal. Yet, it is the one action of your life that will yield the biggest results of your entire life.

I and many thousands of people in this community have discovered, through embracing loneliness and turning it into intense, devoted self-healing dedication, that we have emerged as the joyful, confident, capable, whole people that we always wanted to be, and our life started to truly work.

What is so beautiful about this community is that you don’t need to feel you are alone. We intimately understand what you are going through, and we help support you to help yourself in ways that mean you will not feel nearly as isolated whilst you’re learning how to self-partner and free yourself from the fear and pain.

I know that you may not have any idea yet how you are going to heal from the terrible fear and pain. And that’s okay, you don’t need to. I’m going to show you, because I’ve been helping people do this for real for more than 10 years now.

The first step is by connecting to my free inner transformational 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.

I’d also love you to scroll down and share with me what was the greatest ‘ah-ha’ moment you had as a result of watching this video today.

So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
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Источник: //blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-isolation-fear-and-loneliness-after-narcissistic-abuse/

Coping with the Pain of Loneliness After a Breakup

“Relationships are glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown

I am at a phase in my life right now where I’m struggling with loneliness.

It means that most of the time, I feel a deep sense of disconnection from the world around me and the people I share it with.

The mere fact that I am writing this in the small hours of the morning, deafened by the ear-splitting silence of an empty flat, unable to sleep, simply emphasizes this point to me even harder.

The empty flat in question is mine. And the situation in which I find myself was not part of the plan that I had envisioned for my life at this moment in time.

Everything that was once familiar has now changed.

It was during the end of summer of last year that I split up with my long-term boyfriend. We had begun our six-year relationship stepping out into the big wide world, side by side, doing the grown-up thing of getting our first place together.

It was new and exciting. The future looked promising. And to be fair, it did work, on and off, for a respectable number of years.

However, fast forward past the cluster of good times and the occasional happy holiday, and I found myself having to face up to the heartbreak of a damaged relationship. In particular, the daunting prospect of sharing my future with another human being who, in essence, I just did not feel a connection with anymore.

I could choose to spend my days feeling alone, on the surface still part of the relationship, but deep down feeling emotionally detached and distanced from him.

I could patiently wait for the days where I felt an element of hope—the momentary optimism that everything would turn work out okay for us in the end. I could even reason with myself that this is only a rough patch in our relationship, just a little blip in the overall bigger picture.

Or I could face up to the truth and accept the glaringly obvious: it was over, unfixable, and time to move on.

For months my thoughts were in constant battle. The laborious task of trying to make things work seemed it was set up to be life-long endeavor. Neither of us had the enthusiasm anymore. It seemed we had simply lost the passion.

In the end, we knew what was coming. It was time to call it a day, move on, and go our separate ways.

Here is what I’ve learned about dealing with loneliness:

Feel your emotions

When you strip away a big part of your life, you feel exposed, empty, and vulnerable.

During the time after my breakup, I experienced deep feelings of unshakable loneliness. And I still suffer with these feelings from time to time.

However, I have learned that masking those uncomfortable feelings (my escapism being alcohol and meaningless dates) only leaves the pain unattended for a while longer.

I started to understand that I needed to accept my loneliness as a true emotion. It would not just softly fade away, no matter how hard I tried to numb my feelings or look for distractions.

As you experience your emotions, you start to feel lighter. Give them the time and space they need to be fully expressed. Write down your thoughts. Talk about them with someone. Acknowledge that they do exist and that what you are feeling is very real to you.

Trust that the pain does eventually lose its intensity, making room for you to experience a sense of calmness and clarity amidst the difficulties.

Listen to your own advice

I have indulged in my fair share of self-help books over the years, ranging from detailed accounts on depression, self-esteem issues, and more recently, tips and tricks on beating loneliness.

These stories may offer a few moments of fleeting comfort as you flick through the pages. But they are not able to take the sting the raw emotions that you experience first-hand, such as during those times when you are sitting alone, feeling fed up and isolated from the world around you.

Therefore, I have learned to take only the advice that works best for my own mind, body, and spirit, and leave the rest for someone else.

Maybe you are someone me who prefers to stay at home, enjoying a book, watching a film, or having a bath rather than getting “out there,” meeting people, and forging new relationships.

Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break, making space during those times when you need to rest and restore. Go at your own pace. Understand that you are your own best teacher. And only you will know when it feels right to take the brave step your comfort zone into the unknown.

Realize there is nothing to fix

We know the world is a busy place, crammed full of busy people with busy lives.

But that doesn’t mean we need to rush around trying to mend everything that is seemingly wrong with us all of the time.

While learning to stay with uneasy emotions, I realized that I didn’t need to find a speedy resolution for the difficult feelings. It’s okay to feel lonely; it’s just one of our many human emotions.

In fact, it was a relief. There was no need to force myself to search in all the wrong places for the solution anymore. I am certainly not the only single person in the world. Why did I feel that I needed to fix this aspect of my life so soon? It wasn’t even broken.

Try and enjoy the freedom that comes from being detached. Appreciate the opportunity to gain introspection on yourself. You may even discover new interests or familiarize yourself with old forgotten hobbies now that your life has shifted focus.

Accept how it is

Accepting that there is nothing wrong with how I am feeling gave me the grace to relax. There is no problem right now; therefore, there is nothing I urgently need to attend to.

I know that eventually life will change again; it always does.

How I am feeling now may not be a true reflection on how I feel in a few weeks, months, or years’ time. And I trust that I will stumble across whatever it is I am looking for at some point again in the future.

Right now, though, I am experiencing my life as it is, complete with its bundle of thought-provoking emotions that come as part of the package.

I have learned to accept that this is just another passing chapter in my story, purposely placed here to keep life interesting and meaningful.

It may not be a highlight, but it is still part of my life. And I can live with that.

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Источник: //tinybuddha.com/blog/coping-with-the-pain-of-loneliness-after-a-break-up/

Оскар Уайльд. Цитаты на английском языке с переводом / Quotes by Oscar Wilde

Наверное, никто не является автором большего количества цитат, чем английский писатель Оскар Уайльд. Цитаты этот писателя затрагивают все стороны жизни: есть о жизни, о дружбе, о любви, о работе, об обществе. Очень многие произведения Оскара Уайльда просто разобраны на цитаты.

Предлагаем вашему вниманию лучшие цитаты Оскара Уайльда на английском языке. Ко всем цитатам есть перевод на русский язык. Цитаты настолько разные, что, я думаю, каждый найдет среди этого множества строчки близкие только ему. Мне, например, понравились вот эти.

* * *

Quotes by Oscar Wilde (in English)

Time is a waste of money.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

А вот и перевод этих цитат Оскара Уайльда на русский язык. Если Вы не знаете английский язык, то порядок цитат на английском языке совпадает с порядком этих же цитат на русском языке!

• Время — это пустая трата денег.
• Мы все в сточной канаве, но некоторые из нас смотрят на звезды.
• Всегда прощайте своих врагов, ничто не раздражает их больше.
• В начале дети любят своих родителей; потом, когда становятся старше, начинают судить их; иногда они их прощают.
• Мода — это форма безобразия и настолько невыносима, что мы должны менять ее каждые шесть месяцев.

 * * *

Oscar Wilde. Quotes about life (in English)

Life is a nightmare that prevents one from sleeping.

I beg your pardon I didn’t recognise you — I’ve changed a lot.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Оскар Уайльд. Цитаты о жизни ( перевод на русский язык)

• Жизнь – это кошмар, который мешает нам спать.
• Я прошу прощения, что не узнал Вас – я сильно изменился.
• Наша жизнь заключает в себе только две трагедии. Первая состоит в том, что не можешь удовлетворить всех своих желаний, вторая – когда они уже все удовлетворены.
• Быть естественным – это поза, которую труднее всего удержать.
• Будь собою – все остальные роли уже заняты.

Oscar Wilde. Quotes about soсiety (in English)

America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The public is wonderfully tolerent. It forgives everything except genuis.

Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.

Оскар Уайльд. Цитаты об обществе (перевод на русский язык)

• Америка не раз была обнаружена до Колумба, но это как всегда было замято.
• Опыт – это название, которое каждый дает своим ошибкам.
• Чтобы о Вас ни говорили, хуже этого может быть только одно — когда о Вас Не говорят.
• Общество удивительно терпимо. Оно прощает все, кроме гениальности. (мой перевод)
• Вопросы никогда не бывают нескромными. В отличие от ответов.

Oscar Wilde. Quotes about friendship (in English)

Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.
I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Оскар Уайльд. Цитаты о дружбе (перевод на русский язык)

• Все сочувствуют несчастьям своих друзей, и лишь немногие радуются их успехам.
• Я не хочу отправиться на небеса, там нет моих друзей (мой перевод)

Oscar Wilde. Quotes about people (in English)

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else`s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

Some things are more precious because they don’t last long.

It is so easy to convince others; it is so difficult to convince oneself.

Оскар Уайльд. Цитаты о людях ( перевод на русский язык)

• Если вы хотите рассказать людям правду, то заставьте их смеяться, иначе они убьют вас.
• Человек больше всего лукавит, когда говорит от своего лица. Дайте ему маску, и он скажет вам правду.
• Большинство из нас -это не мы. Наши мысли – это чужие суждения; наша жизнь – подражание кому-либо, наши страсти – копирование  чужих страстей.
• Я всегда очень дружески отношусь к тем, до кого мне нет дела.
• Быть эгоистом – это не значит жить, как тебе хочется. Это значит просить других, чтобы они жили так как тебе бы хотелось.
• Некоторые вещи ценны только потому, что недолговечны. (мой перевод)
• Легко убедить других, себя убедить гораздо труднее.

Oscar Wilde. Quotes about work (in English)

It is awfully hard work doing nothing.

Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.

Оскар Уайльд. О работе (перевод на русский язык)

• Это ужасно тяжелая работа – ничего не делать.
• Работа – прибежище тех, кто больше ничего не умеет. (или более точный перевод Работа — это спасение тех, кому нечем больше заняться.)

Oscar Wilde. Quotes about myself (in English)

I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means.

I can resist anything but temptation.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do — the day after.

I talking to a brick wall- it’s the only thing in the world that never contradicts me!

I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex.

Оскар Уайльд. О себе (перевод на русский язык)

• Я полагаю, что мне придется умирать не по средствам. (мой перевод)
• Я могу сопротивляться всему, кроме искушения.
• Я не настолько молод, чтобы знать все. (мой перевод)
• Всякий раз, когда люди соглашаются со мной, я чувствую, что я не прав.
• Мне нечего декларировать, кроме своей гениальности. (слова О. Уайльда на таможне)
• Я непривередлив: мне вполне достаточно самого лучшего.
• Любовь к себе это начало романа, который длится всю жизнь.
• Я никогда не откладываю на завтра, то что могу сделать послезавтра.
• Я люблю разговаривать с кирпичной стеной – это единственный собеседник, который со мной не спорит. (мой перевод)
• Обожаю простые удовольствия. Это последнее прибежище сложных натур.

Oscar Wilde. Quotes about love (in English)

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our intellects.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What women is to be a man’s last romance.

Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed. (From «The Picture of Dorian Gray»)

One should always be in love. That’s the reason one should never marry

The most terrible thing about it is not that it breaks one’s heart—hearts are made to be broken—but that it turns one’s heart to stone.

We women, as some one says, love with our ears, just as you men love with your eyes..

I am happy in my prison of passion.

Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

Оскар Уайльд. О любви (перевод на русский язык)

• Женщины любят нас за наши недостатки. Если этих недостатков изрядное количество, они готовы простить нам все, даже ум.
• Женщины созданы для того, чтобы их любили, а не для того чтобы их понимали.
• Мужчина всегда хочет быть первой любовью женщины. Женщины более чутки в таких вопросах. Им хотелось бы стать последней любовью мужчины.
• Мужчины женятся от усталости, женщины выходят замуж из любопытства. И те и другие разочаровываются.
• Надо всегда быть влюбленным. Вот почему никогда не следует жениться.
• Самое ужасное происходит не тогда, когда сердце разбито – сердца созданы для этого – а когда сердце превращается в камень. (мой перевод)
• Женщина любит ушами, а мужчина глазами.
• Я счастлив в тюрьме моих страстей.
• Сначала женщина сопротивляется мужчине. Однако все заканчивается тем, что она не хочет, чтобы он уходил.

Оскар Уайльд. О вине  (перевод на русский язык)

• Я пью, чтобы отделить тело от души.

 * * *

Решила написать эту статью, так как не смогла найти на просторах интернета сайта, где были бы цитаты с переводом. Надеюсь, что она окажется полезной  как изучающим английский язык, так и любителям афоризмов. Не забудьте поделиться с друзьями))

Источник: //englishstory.ru/quotes-by-oscar-wilde-tsitatyi-oskara-ualda-c-perevodom.html

9 Steps To Dealing With Betrayal And Getting Over The Hurt

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You’re feeling betrayed. Someone you care about, perhaps even love has broken the bonds of trust and done something that cuts deep at your heart.

What do you do? How can you get past this betrayal and heal? Will you ever be able to forgive them for what they have done?

Whether it’s a betrayal by a family member, best friend, partner, or someone else entirely, the steps you might take to get over the hurt caused are roughly the same.

1. Name Your Feelings

Betrayal is an act. The emotions that result from it are what we mean when we say we’re “feeling betrayed.”

In order to start recovering from the act, you must be more specific about the feelings it has given rise to.

Some of the more common ones you might encounter are:

Anger – you’ve been hurt and one of the most natural feelings in such situations is anger. “How dare they?! How could they?! They’ll pay for this!”

Sadness – you might become very low, weepy even when you discover a betrayal. This might be because you feel a sense of loss; a loss of trust, a loss of the person you thought they were, a loss of the happy memories you have of them, a loss of the future you saw with them.

Surprise – yes, you are probably shocked to find out that this person or persons have betrayed you. You might not have had any inkling that this was ly.

Fear – you may worry about the consequences of this betrayal. It might mean major upheaval in your life and these unknowns scare you.

Disgust – you can’t even bear to think about it or them because it makes your stomach churn.

Insecurity – you may question yourself and doubt whether you are worthy of love and care. After all, the person who betrayed you clearly felt you weren’t.

Shame – you may blame yourself and feel ashamed by what has happened and how others may now see and treat you.

Loneliness – this is your betrayal and nobody else’s. “How could they possibly understand?”

Confusion – you may simply not be able to comprehend what’s happened? None of it seems to make any sense to you.

It is an important step to identify what it is you are feeling at any given time. You may feel many or all of these after a betrayal – most ly a few at a time and swinging back and forth as you process them.

For instance, surprise and confusion might be the first things you feel, which then give way to anger and disgust or sadness and fear. You may then return to surprise tinged with shame.

There won’t be a clear or uniform progression from one to the other, but rather a turbulent maelstrom of emotion.

2. Resist Retaliating

With some betrayals, you may experience an overwhelming urge to retaliate.

Don’t!

You may be feeling angry about what happened and you may feel they deserve punishment, but rarely is this ever a productive endeavor.

If there’s one way to prolong the hurt and delay the healing process, it’s by plotting and planning your revenge.

Consider the analogy of betrayal as a cut or gash in your bodily flesh. A scab soon forms over the wound, but there is often a desire to prod it and pick at it. It’s itchy, it’s sore, and you feel the need to do something about it.

Yet, you know from experience that the more you touch and pick at a scab, the longer it stays and the more ly it is to leave a scar.

Retaliation is a bit picking a scab: it’ll only uncover the wound once more and cause you further pain. And the more you do it (even the more you think about doing it), the more ly you are to carry that pain with you for the rest of your life.

Resist the temptation to get your own back. The feelings will eventually fade and pass and you’ll be glad you held off from inflicting similar suffering on your betrayer.

3. Take Time Away

When you’ve been betrayed by someone, the best short term solution is to avoid them as much as physically – and electronically – possible.

That means not seeing them, not messaging them, not checking their social media every 5 minutes.

I know y’all love an analogy, so here’s another one for you: think of those feelings we talked about above as being fuelled by a fire. At first, the fire burns strong and the feelings glow white hot in the flames.

The most combustible fuel for that fire is contact with the one(s) who betrayed you. Thus, in order for the fire to burn out, you must stop adding fuel to it.

You must take some time away and break ties with that person.

Now, if they try to contact you (and they probably will), you can just tell them in a calm manner that you need some time and space to deal with what they’ve done. Ask them to respect your wishes and leave you be.

Your emotions will eventually begin to fade as the fire becomes mere embers. Now you’ll be in a much better position to think clearly and process the events and decide what to do next.

4. Examine The Betrayal

People do hurtful things for all sorts of reasons and it might help for you to think about how this betrayal came about.

Was it carelessness? Was it caused by weakness? Or was it a deliberate, conscious act?

We all sometimes say or do something in a split second and instantly regret it. A careless act of betrayal such as revealing personal information someone told you in confidence is no doubt hurtful, but it is somewhat forgivable.

It can be easy, when involved in a conversation, to not be 100% focused on the importance of what you’re saying and things really can “slip out” by accident.

Of course, the greater the significance of the information, the less easy it is to believe that your betrayer revealed it by mistake. Some secrets just don’t come out naturally in conversation.

The next level up from a careless betrayal is one that comes about due to someone’s weakness.

Some people find it incredibly difficult to control certain urges, even if they have promised you that they would.

Addictions are a good example of this. You may, for example, feel betrayed that a partner or family member has said they will give up drinking, only to find out that they’ve been doing it behind your back and lying to you about it.

Other people may find it almost impossible to keep what you tell them confidential. They just have to talk to someone about it, perhaps as a means of processing their own emotions on the matter.

It still stings when you find out, but perhaps you can have some sympathy.

Then there are betrayals that are plain and simple deliberate acts, either of malice or of heartless indifference.

Perhaps the office gossip overheard you talking about a particularly difficult time in your life, and they proceed to tell anyone who will listen about your private business.

Or maybe your partner cheats on you, a family member belittles you in front of your children, or a business partner reneges on a deal you had agreed.

These acts are taken consciously with little consideration of how you might feel.

Understanding which of these is most true in your case can help you to overcome the negative emotions and move past the incident.

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5. Examine The Relationship

Someone you care about has hurt you, but just how much emotional pain are you in?

It all depends on the closeness of that relationship. After a betrayal, you’ll probably find yourself asking just how much that person means to you.

Betrayal by a friend who you’ve drifted apart from and who you now see no more than once or twice a year is going to feel very different to betrayal by a spouse or parent who is very much a major part of your life.

How much you value the relationship will determine whether you choose to keep that person in your life or ditch them for good (which we’ll talk more about later).

6. Talk To A Third Party

In these situations, it can help to talk through the incident and the feelings you have about it with a trusted confidant.

It can be cathartic to express your emotions outwardly and tell another soul what is going on inside your head and heart right now.

The crucial thing, though, is to talk to someone who is able to remain fairly, though not entirely, neutral.

The reason for this is that they will be able to offer honest advice and constructive feedback about your plan for dealing with the situation.

What you don’t want is a yes man or woman who will gee you on as you bitch about your betrayer and add fuel to that fire we spoke about earlier. This may feel good at the time, but it will not help you work through your feelings.

7. Reflect On Things

When the dust has settled a little bit and your feelings are less raw, you might benefit from a period of introspection.

This is a time when you look inward and try to understand the betrayal, the aftermath, and the longer term consequences in your life.

You might want to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, immediately after you were betrayed and consider how you might try to avoid similar situations in future (or act differently if you do encounter one).

To get the most benefit from this, some psychologists suggest that you focus not on asking why-based questions, but what-es instead.

The theory, as summarized nicely in this article, goes that asking why something happened or why you felt or acted in such a way, keeps you trapped in the past, ruminating over events.

It may also instill a victim mentality whereby you focus on what has been done to you and who is to blame for it.

What, on the other hand, is a more proactive question: what am I feeling, what are my options, and what will really matter most 5 years from now?

These are all forward thinking questions that can lead you away from the betrayal and toward a place where you can heal and recover.

So reflect, by all means, but try to make it productive reflection that doesn’t dwell too much, but seeks to move on.

8. Speak To The Person Who Betrayed You

This is a big step and one that requires some guts and determination to take. But what do you say to someone who has betrayed you?

Well, when you feel ready, it is worth speaking to them and communicating how their actions made you feel then, and how you still feel about it now.

One crucial tip is to structure what you have to say in a way that focuses on you and not them. This way, you can avoid putting them on the defensive and keep the conversation amicable.

So, start your sentences with “I” and try to stick to the facts. Saying, “I felt shocked and angry when you…” is better than saying, “You betrayed me by…”

Be specific. You should have a handle on all the different emotions that you experienced if you named each one as we advised above; use these words to convey the impact this person’s actions had on you.

Not only that, but be specific about what it was exactly that hurt you the most. Is it that you no longer feel able to trust them, or have their actions caused repercussions in other parts of your life?

Put it all together and you might say, as an example, “I felt very ashamed, alone, and scared when you let slip about my pregnancy to our colleagues – it has put me in a difficult position with the boss and I’m worried about my future job security.”

If it helps you to put your thoughts and feelings into words, you might also consider writing a letter to those who have hurt you. You can either give it to them to read, or read it out to them. This is especially useful if you get flustered in situations where you have to confront someone face-to-face.

9. Cut Ties With Repeat Offenders

Whether you choose to forgive a betrayal and maintain the relationship will come down to a lot of things: the severity of it, how much you value the relationship, and the way the betrayal went down (see point 4), among others.

One thing to bear in mind, however, is whether or not this was the first time they have done something this to you – or indeed to other people you may know about.

If someone has hurt you before, or if they have form that you are aware of, you should strongly consider whether keeping this person in your life is best for you (and best for other important people in your life such as children).

Generally speaking, the second strike will put so much more strain on the relationship and your interactions with each other that it is best to call time right then and there.

A third strike or more and you’re straying into the territory of enabling them. Reach this point and they will think they can betray you and get away with it.

Moving On

When you feel betrayed, it’s not something that can be dealt with too quickly. You need time to process everything that has happened and this will vary depending on the specific events.

At first, you just have to do your best to cope with the storm of emotions inside while maintaining some semblance of a normal life. After all, you still have responsibilities to take care of.

In time, you’ll find you overcome the initial shock and start to heal your emotional wounds. As you recover from the ordeal, you’ll think less and less about it, and the emotions surrounding it will be fade.

Eventually, you’ll be able to consign the betrayal to your past… at least for the most part. You may never be able to let go of it entirely, but it will no longer affect your life in any great way.

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