Loneliness After Being Betrayed
Healing Isolation, Fear and Loneliness After Narcissistic Abuse
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is such a big thing. It is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do because there are crippling feelings to deal with.
There is the death of the dreams that we thought we were going to be living with this person, the shock of what this person is capable of, the fallout due to the smearing, the losses of finances, resources and our health (all the usual symptoms of narcissistic abuse), and the dreaded pain of the reality of life now, as we look at the rubble of our previous life on the floor all around us.
In amongst all of this, I believe there are three overwhelmingly painful and traumatising feelings that we are suffering, regardless of the practicalities and the real-life battle we are facing and suffering.
These are Isolation, Fear and Loneliness.
The Insidious Feelings of Isolation
We feel so alone with all of this. We want to clutch onto someone or something to help us, yet they can’t. We feel shameful, defective and broken and that no one can really understand us. So many people in our life simply can’t get it. They either don’t see what the narcissist has done, or tragically side with him or her, or if they are with us, just tell us to ‘get over it’.
Additionally, maybe we have been hiding from others what is really going on, or simply haven’t been able to face them.
Perhaps we have become so reliant on, trapped with and trauma bonded to the narcissist that we don’t know how to connect and relate to other people any more.Now that the narcissist has gone, we may feel we are dying without their presence because we feel so emptied out and incapable of looking after ourselves and generating our own life.
This may shock us, especially if we have been a person who previously prided ourselves on being strong and being seen by others as capable. Now, horrifyingly, we may feel a man or women stranded in the middle of a barren desert where no one is coming, and there are no resources available for us.
Initially, after narcissistic abuse, we may feel the only person on the planet who has suffered this and felt so low and shattered, but I promise you that we aren’t. There are so many people who have experienced these common feelings of utter helplessness, hopelessness and being hooked, addicted, obsessed and life will never be okay again.
Soon we will look at how we can recover from this, but before we do, let’s check out ‘the Fear’.
The Frightful Feelings of Fear
The feelings of fear that engulf us because of narcissistic abuse are akin to a literal soul fracture.
Everything we believed about ourselves, others and life has been turned upside down and inside out. What terrifies us the most is we don’t know who we are anymore other than this screaming agony inside us which is letting us know that something is terribly wrong with us.
It’s very scary when we can’t just get on with our lives ‘as normal’, and we have no idea how we are ever going to even ‘feel normal’ again.
These questions haunt us: Why can’t I just get on with it? Why can’t I just forget what happened? Why can’t I let go of the urge to reconnect with this person who I know is/was destroying me? Why can’t I get them my head no matter what I do?
There are reasons for all of this, which our normal human conditioning hasn’t taught us about. Reasons that we only start discovering and releasing ourselves from when we go deeper than the standard faux solutions which is to ‘do or take something so that these feelings stop.’
The pain of narcissistic abuse is terrible and inevitable, but it only becomes and remains chronic suffering if we miss exactly what the pain is all about.
Emotional pain and fear are no different to a baby crying, a ceiling dripping or your car engine making grinding noises. It means ‘something requires attention here and if it doesn’t get your attention then there will be a bigger problem soon,’ such as nappy rash, ruined carpet and furniture, and your car engine stopping.The phenomenon of narcissistic abuse is a soul healing opportunity at the highest level.
When we are carrying traumas and false beliefs that are not our True Self, that unconsciously keeps us trapped and rolling around with these people, rather than leaving and looking after ourselves, we continue to be abused with the evidence of these continuing traumas and painful beliefs.
This hurts hell. Our unhealed old wounds are ripped open repeatedly. The more we look to the narcissist as the solution and try and change and fix them to stop the fear and pain, the harder these wounds get smashed open.
Finally, when the relationship ends, we are left with the wounds and aftermath of the abuse of being alignment with our true selves and true life and trying to fruitlessly hold a false self responsible for it. We are the victim. We feel ripped off, devastated, cheated and deeply abused.
This is all a part of the normal feelings and trauma until we realise the truth. This person is showing you those insecure, unhealed parts within yourself that weren’t anchored yet in your own power to be the source of your own life, generating your own life with the healthy components and people of life, regardless of what any other people are or aren’t doing.
The terrible, shocking fear we feel, I promise you, is this: Our inner being knowing we have not yet turned inwards to self-partner, and that no one is at the helm, and that looking outwards to false sources only means more pain and destruction is coming.
Now let’s check out Loneliness.
The Empty Terror of Loneliness
We may believe that ‘loneliness’ confirms that we are unloved, unworthy of love and all alone because of this. In our conditioned human makeup, we have believed that our worth is what other people reflect back to us. Yet this is such a false premise.
It is in the loneliness that occurs, because of narcissistic abuse, that we can finally discover the key to our true emancipation and be released from the old self of abuse and powerlessness to the new self of freedom and powerfulness.
Let me explain …
How to Heal Isolation, Fear, and Loneliness
This is how we start the process… Say this declaration with me: “I (my name) I am going to turn my loneliness into the greatest mission, connection and love for myself that will heal all of my life from here onwards, and so it is.”
How does this feel in your body?
You may want to write this down in your journal and date it to make it really concrete for you.
Now let’s dive into this.
We will never overcome our traumas and limitations until we embrace loneliness because within it we establish the most vital relationship that we will ever have, which is the relationship we are having with ourselves.At the quantum level, everyone who is in your experience is reflecting back a part of you. Many people get this confused when they say ‘What! You are telling me I’m a bad person because I have been with a narcissist?’ That is not what I am saying at all. What I am saying is that people treat us, and we stay attached to the treatment that matches how we treat ourselves.
Therefore, if we invalidate and are hard on ourselves, then we accept people who treat us the same way.
If we don’t love and accept ourselves and expect ourselves to be ‘perfect’ then for another, we will never be good enough.
If we self-abandon and self-avoid ourselves with distractions and addictions when we are in emotional distress, then we gravitate to others who will abandon and replace us when we need them too. So within, so without.
Please don’t for one moment think that if you clean this up that the narcissist would be different. That’s not what I am saying. Narcissists are narcissists.
What I am trying to help you understand is that if we are not having a true and loving relationship with ourselves, then we are susceptible to getting with false selves who will smash us with our own unhealed wounds as hard as it takes until we turn inwards to free ourselves from them.
How do we heal and create a healthy connection to life and others again? By firstly connecting with ourselves.
In the past when we had traumatic events and problems, we may have been able to get up and get moving and recommence, despite the pain. Narcissistic abuse is different. This time trying to do that doesn’t work.And it’s not meant to, because rather than self-avoid and self-abandon the inner screams of pain, it’s now time to honour, ‘come heal this.’
When we dedicate to the truth and start leaning inwards to these unhealed places of ourselves to heal them back to wholeness and wellbeing, the pain stops, and the incredible feelings of growth, expansion, wisdom, resolution, and gratitude begin. If the feeling of pain of the breakdown of your life from narcissistic abuse is a 10/10 on the scale, then I promise you the breakthrough feelings on the other side are a 10/10 of even greater magnitude.
I know it’s the hardest thing you could ever do, meet yourself and heal. Yet, it is the one action of your life that will yield the biggest results of your entire life.
I and many thousands of people in this community have discovered, through embracing loneliness and turning it into intense, devoted self-healing dedication, that we have emerged as the joyful, confident, capable, whole people that we always wanted to be, and our life started to truly work.
What is so beautiful about this community is that you don’t need to feel you are alone. We intimately understand what you are going through, and we help support you to help yourself in ways that mean you will not feel nearly as isolated whilst you’re learning how to self-partner and free yourself from the fear and pain.
I know that you may not have any idea yet how you are going to heal from the terrible fear and pain. And that’s okay, you don’t need to. I’m going to show you, because I’ve been helping people do this for real for more than 10 years now.
The first step is by connecting to my free inner transformational 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.
I’d also love you to scroll down and share with me what was the greatest ‘ah-ha’ moment you had as a result of watching this video today.So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
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9 Steps To Dealing With Betrayal And Getting Over The Hurt
This 5-star rated book can help you get over a betrayal.
Click here to read the reviews.
You’re feeling betrayed. Someone you care about, perhaps even love has broken the bonds of trust and done something that cuts deep at your heart.
What do you do? How can you get past this betrayal and heal? Will you ever be able to forgive them for what they have done?
Whether it’s a betrayal by a family member, best friend, partner, or someone else entirely, the steps you might take to get over the hurt caused are roughly the same.
1. Name Your Feelings
Betrayal is an act. The emotions that result from it are what we mean when we say we’re “feeling betrayed.”
In order to start recovering from the act, you must be more specific about the feelings it has given rise to.
Some of the more common ones you might encounter are:
Anger – you’ve been hurt and one of the most natural feelings in such situations is anger. “How dare they?! How could they?! They’ll pay for this!”
Sadness – you might become very low, weepy even when you discover a betrayal. This might be because you feel a sense of loss; a loss of trust, a loss of the person you thought they were, a loss of the happy memories you have of them, a loss of the future you saw with them.
Surprise – yes, you are probably shocked to find out that this person or persons have betrayed you. You might not have had any inkling that this was ly.
Fear – you may worry about the consequences of this betrayal. It might mean major upheaval in your life and these unknowns scare you.
Disgust – you can’t even bear to think about it or them because it makes your stomach churn.
Insecurity – you may question yourself and doubt whether you are worthy of love and care. After all, the person who betrayed you clearly felt you weren’t.
Shame – you may blame yourself and feel ashamed by what has happened and how others may now see and treat you.
Loneliness – this is your betrayal and nobody else’s. “How could they possibly understand?”
Confusion – you may simply not be able to comprehend what’s happened? None of it seems to make any sense to you.
It is an important step to identify what it is you are feeling at any given time. You may feel many or all of these after a betrayal – most ly a few at a time and swinging back and forth as you process them.
For instance, surprise and confusion might be the first things you feel, which then give way to anger and disgust or sadness and fear. You may then return to surprise tinged with shame.
There won’t be a clear or uniform progression from one to the other, but rather a turbulent maelstrom of emotion.
2. Resist Retaliating
With some betrayals, you may experience an overwhelming urge to retaliate.
You may be feeling angry about what happened and you may feel they deserve punishment, but rarely is this ever a productive endeavor.
If there’s one way to prolong the hurt and delay the healing process, it’s by plotting and planning your revenge.
Consider the analogy of betrayal as a cut or gash in your bodily flesh. A scab soon forms over the wound, but there is often a desire to prod it and pick at it. It’s itchy, it’s sore, and you feel the need to do something about it.Yet, you know from experience that the more you touch and pick at a scab, the longer it stays and the more ly it is to leave a scar.
Retaliation is a bit picking a scab: it’ll only uncover the wound once more and cause you further pain. And the more you do it (even the more you think about doing it), the more ly you are to carry that pain with you for the rest of your life.
Resist the temptation to get your own back. The feelings will eventually fade and pass and you’ll be glad you held off from inflicting similar suffering on your betrayer.
3. Take Time Away
When you’ve been betrayed by someone, the best short term solution is to avoid them as much as physically – and electronically – possible.
That means not seeing them, not messaging them, not checking their social media every 5 minutes.
I know y’all love an analogy, so here’s another one for you: think of those feelings we talked about above as being fuelled by a fire. At first, the fire burns strong and the feelings glow white hot in the flames.
The most combustible fuel for that fire is contact with the one(s) who betrayed you. Thus, in order for the fire to burn out, you must stop adding fuel to it.
You must take some time away and break ties with that person.
Now, if they try to contact you (and they probably will), you can just tell them in a calm manner that you need some time and space to deal with what they’ve done. Ask them to respect your wishes and leave you be.
Your emotions will eventually begin to fade as the fire becomes mere embers. Now you’ll be in a much better position to think clearly and process the events and decide what to do next.
4. Examine The Betrayal
People do hurtful things for all sorts of reasons and it might help for you to think about how this betrayal came about.
Was it carelessness? Was it caused by weakness? Or was it a deliberate, conscious act?
We all sometimes say or do something in a split second and instantly regret it. A careless act of betrayal such as revealing personal information someone told you in confidence is no doubt hurtful, but it is somewhat forgivable.It can be easy, when involved in a conversation, to not be 100% focused on the importance of what you’re saying and things really can “slip out” by accident.
Of course, the greater the significance of the information, the less easy it is to believe that your betrayer revealed it by mistake. Some secrets just don’t come out naturally in conversation.
The next level up from a careless betrayal is one that comes about due to someone’s weakness.
Some people find it incredibly difficult to control certain urges, even if they have promised you that they would.
Addictions are a good example of this. You may, for example, feel betrayed that a partner or family member has said they will give up drinking, only to find out that they’ve been doing it behind your back and lying to you about it.
Other people may find it almost impossible to keep what you tell them confidential. They just have to talk to someone about it, perhaps as a means of processing their own emotions on the matter.
It still stings when you find out, but perhaps you can have some sympathy.
Then there are betrayals that are plain and simple deliberate acts, either of malice or of heartless indifference.
Perhaps the office gossip overheard you talking about a particularly difficult time in your life, and they proceed to tell anyone who will listen about your private business.Or maybe your partner cheats on you, a family member belittles you in front of your children, or a business partner reneges on a deal you had agreed.
These acts are taken consciously with little consideration of how you might feel.
Understanding which of these is most true in your case can help you to overcome the negative emotions and move past the incident.
You may also (article continues below):
5. Examine The Relationship
Someone you care about has hurt you, but just how much emotional pain are you in?
It all depends on the closeness of that relationship. After a betrayal, you’ll probably find yourself asking just how much that person means to you.
Betrayal by a friend who you’ve drifted apart from and who you now see no more than once or twice a year is going to feel very different to betrayal by a spouse or parent who is very much a major part of your life.
How much you value the relationship will determine whether you choose to keep that person in your life or ditch them for good (which we’ll talk more about later).
6. Talk To A Third Party
In these situations, it can help to talk through the incident and the feelings you have about it with a trusted confidant.
It can be cathartic to express your emotions outwardly and tell another soul what is going on inside your head and heart right now.
The crucial thing, though, is to talk to someone who is able to remain fairly, though not entirely, neutral.
The reason for this is that they will be able to offer honest advice and constructive feedback about your plan for dealing with the situation.
What you don’t want is a yes man or woman who will gee you on as you bitch about your betrayer and add fuel to that fire we spoke about earlier. This may feel good at the time, but it will not help you work through your feelings.
7. Reflect On Things
When the dust has settled a little bit and your feelings are less raw, you might benefit from a period of introspection.
This is a time when you look inward and try to understand the betrayal, the aftermath, and the longer term consequences in your life.
You might want to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, immediately after you were betrayed and consider how you might try to avoid similar situations in future (or act differently if you do encounter one).To get the most benefit from this, some psychologists suggest that you focus not on asking why-based questions, but what-es instead.
The theory, as summarized nicely in this article, goes that asking why something happened or why you felt or acted in such a way, keeps you trapped in the past, ruminating over events.
It may also instill a victim mentality whereby you focus on what has been done to you and who is to blame for it.
What, on the other hand, is a more proactive question: what am I feeling, what are my options, and what will really matter most 5 years from now?
These are all forward thinking questions that can lead you away from the betrayal and toward a place where you can heal and recover.
So reflect, by all means, but try to make it productive reflection that doesn’t dwell too much, but seeks to move on.
8. Speak To The Person Who Betrayed You
This is a big step and one that requires some guts and determination to take. But what do you say to someone who has betrayed you?
Well, when you feel ready, it is worth speaking to them and communicating how their actions made you feel then, and how you still feel about it now.
One crucial tip is to structure what you have to say in a way that focuses on you and not them. This way, you can avoid putting them on the defensive and keep the conversation amicable.So, start your sentences with “I” and try to stick to the facts. Saying, “I felt shocked and angry when you…” is better than saying, “You betrayed me by…”
Be specific. You should have a handle on all the different emotions that you experienced if you named each one as we advised above; use these words to convey the impact this person’s actions had on you.
Not only that, but be specific about what it was exactly that hurt you the most. Is it that you no longer feel able to trust them, or have their actions caused repercussions in other parts of your life?
Put it all together and you might say, as an example, “I felt very ashamed, alone, and scared when you let slip about my pregnancy to our colleagues – it has put me in a difficult position with the boss and I’m worried about my future job security.”
If it helps you to put your thoughts and feelings into words, you might also consider writing a letter to those who have hurt you. You can either give it to them to read, or read it out to them. This is especially useful if you get flustered in situations where you have to confront someone face-to-face.
9. Cut Ties With Repeat Offenders
Whether you choose to forgive a betrayal and maintain the relationship will come down to a lot of things: the severity of it, how much you value the relationship, and the way the betrayal went down (see point 4), among others.
One thing to bear in mind, however, is whether or not this was the first time they have done something this to you – or indeed to other people you may know about.
If someone has hurt you before, or if they have form that you are aware of, you should strongly consider whether keeping this person in your life is best for you (and best for other important people in your life such as children).Generally speaking, the second strike will put so much more strain on the relationship and your interactions with each other that it is best to call time right then and there.
A third strike or more and you’re straying into the territory of enabling them. Reach this point and they will think they can betray you and get away with it.
When you feel betrayed, it’s not something that can be dealt with too quickly. You need time to process everything that has happened and this will vary depending on the specific events.
At first, you just have to do your best to cope with the storm of emotions inside while maintaining some semblance of a normal life. After all, you still have responsibilities to take care of.
In time, you’ll find you overcome the initial shock and start to heal your emotional wounds. As you recover from the ordeal, you’ll think less and less about it, and the emotions surrounding it will be fade.
Eventually, you’ll be able to consign the betrayal to your past… at least for the most part. You may never be able to let go of it entirely, but it will no longer affect your life in any great way.
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You are Not Alone! 6 Tips for Dealing with Loneliness After 60
There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Every woman over 60 understands this. Being alone is something we have all experienced in our lives at one time or another, sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstances beyond our control.
Many women live alone by choice, enjoying their own company and finding lots of things to keep them genuinely happy and busy. Or, even if women live with a family or a partner, there are times when they look forward to time spent alone indulging in their own passions and interests.
If children have left home or there has been a divorce or death, many women move through the stages of grieving and accept and embrace solitude with grace and resilience.
Dealing with Loneliness is Possible… but, it Takes Time
But sometimes, even if we’re happy being “alone,” we all have occasions of feeling lonely. In a more severe form, loneliness can manifest as a symptom of depression. How we overcome depression and loneliness starts with accepting ourselves at a fundamental level, and having a personal identify that is not dependent on anyone else.
Most women bounce back from loss and separation, connecting with other people, and loving the time they spend alone. But loneliness can pose a different and more serious challenge. When we feel lonely, we might feel frightened and depressed, and might lack motivation to connect outside ourselves.Feeling lonely occasionally is a normal part of aging. It can be brought on by separation from family and children, financial limitations, worries about the future and lack of control. All of these worries heighten the feelings of loneliness.
Here are some ways to learn how to deal with loneliness in a constructive and positive way:
Loneliness and isolation in older people is common but it can be dealt with in some simple ways. The first step is to understand and define what is really at the heart of your feeling of loneliness.
Is it a somber anniversary of a sad moment, or is the weather awful? Are you feeling trapped in the house by cold winter weather, or have you been feeling ill and unable to meet with friends? Perhaps it might help to meditate and listen to your thoughts that come bubbling to the surface.
In my interview with Susan Piver we talk about the fact that happiness is a combination of happy and sad days, so, take this feeling of loneliness and see whether it is leading you to a greater understanding about something you need to deal with.
It’s OK to be alone, and there are lots of things you can do on your own, but, don’t let your solitary life make you feel lonely. Try to stop worrying about the things that you don’t have, and focus on what you do possess. Be empowered by memories and be not afraid of the future.
Another way to deal with loneliness and depression is to get out into the world.
Even just the simple act of going to the grocery store or the mall, or walking around downtown during a busy workday, or riding the bus or the train can be very helpful in overcoming a sense of isolation.
Watching other people you getting on with their day might inspire you to get a new perspective on your own situation. Lots of people are living alone, so don’t let that stop you from doing things you love.Physical activity of any kind will stimulate your brain and body to produce feel-good hormones that help you to feel better and more in control. Whatever you choose, do something to get your mind and body active. Simply walk as far as you can, ride a bike, or take up tai chi or belly dancing. By putting your attention toward your body, you can shift your mindset off your loneliness.
Don’t stress if it takes a little while to see a positive change in your mindset – take small steps that will change your behavior over time.
I once read a sign that said, “Don’t be afraid of getting older – be afraid of getting boring!” Often a feeling of loneliness emerges when there is a sense of boredom about the routines and associations in our lives. So, instead of looking at being alone as something that limits you, why not look at it as an opportunity to do anything your heart desires!
Try something new. Perhaps consider taking a class, playing an instrument, learning a new hobby and taking a chance. Do something that challenges you to feel a little mysterious. Become fascinating to yourself and you will become interesting company to keep!
If you have any doubt that you are an interesting woman, start writing your life story and you’ll see what amazingly interesting things you have done in your life and have just temporarily forgotten!
Experiencing loneliness as older women can feel a little overwhelming. When you are feeling a little blue, you might tend to withdraw from the world – so instead, pick up the phone andcall a friend. Share your thoughts and feelings with someone who cares. Let the words that have been spinning round in your head get out, so you can gain some perspective and feedback.
If you don’t have a friend you can call, try to make some. Perhaps you can join an online group or volunteer somewhere there will be people you can chat with. Start slowly and don’t worry if it takes a while to connect. Getting social is one of the arts of living that requires a little practice so again just take one step at a time.
When you are feeling a little lonely and depressed, one of the best therapies is to get physically active.
Even if it’s just to walk around the block, make time to get the benefit of fresh air and let Mother Nature remind you of the gifts that are totally free and which energize and soothe you.
It is important that you try to stop habits that make you feel physically more vulnerable, including drinking and smoking.
Take the time to prioritize a healthy diet and incorporate healthy vegetables and fruits into your life rather than reaching for lots of bread and sweets. It’s fine to treat yourself occasionally, but establishing good eating and exercise habits will cheer you up.
The signs of depression in older women usually begin with a feeling of helplessness and lack of control. This negative mindset is the foundation of loneliness as it positions every thought in terms of what is not possible rather than what is. Start with a positive attitude and the world is transformed. Remember the things you have, appreciate the gifts you have been given.
Try to get things in perspective with positivity and you will be on the way to reshaping and living through the lens of an attitude of gratitude!
What do you to avoid feeling lonely or depressed? What do you think are the best ways of dealing with loneliness? Are there any pleasant rituals or small tasks that help to keep you happy? Please join the conversation.
Loneliness is not a “normal” part of the aging process. Instead, it is a serious indicator that something important is missing from your life. It’s ok to feel lonely occasionally. Everyone does. But, when you feel lonely all the time, you need to take steps to get things back on track. Watch this interview to find out what you can do:
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What To Do When You Are Feeling Lonely, Lost And Depressed
Everyone gets lonely sometimes, but it’s hard to cope when feelings of worthlessness and loneliness persist.
You may begin to lose hope for the future and find it hard to enjoy any aspect of life. Perhaps you’ve tried and failed to find solutions, and you worry that you’ll continue to feel this sad forever.
This is a horrible position to be in, but the good news is that it is resolvable.
Overcoming loneliness requires thought and effort, but it is certainly possible.
Whether you consistently feel depressed, you’re trying to overcome the loneliness of being single or you don’t quite know why you feel lost at the moment, there are things you can do to improve the situation. This guide could help you understand yourself better and support you in figuring out what to do when you feel lonely.
Symptoms Of Loneliness And Depression
To learn how to stop feeling lonely and depressed, you first need a good grasp of the nature of loneliness. This knowledge can ultimately help you figure out what is making you sad and how to address it.
Going through the following list can function as a kind of “loneliness test.”
… no matter how much you sleep. Research suggests that if you’re lonely, you’re more ly to suffer from fragmented sleep. This means you wake up more often during the night and don’t get enough deep rest.
(TIP: These tips may help you wake up happier and energized in the morning… Click here now.)
You catch every virus going, and it’s harder for you to recover from them. This is a response to physical changes caused by the way your stress levels increase when you’re lonely.
This may be with food, drugs, alcohol, shopping or anything else that distracts you from feeling low. One massive study on loneliness showed you’re ly to try and fill the void when you’re lonely, hoping that this one little bit of happiness will make up for the sadness you feel.
Sources of frustration, irritation, and sadness that once felt tolerable to you are now making you feel dreadful. This is one of the most common symptoms of loneliness and is an indication that your levels of resilience are low.You might find this surprising, but the latest science shows that loneliness can be socially contagious. One factor might be that if you and your friends are feeling lonely, you’re obviously not connecting with each other that well.
Depression isn’t always linked to loneliness symptoms. However, when it is, you may notice that you care less about personal maintenance, feel worthless, can’t concentrate, struggle with anxiety and/or no longer feel excited by previous passions.
Why Do I Feel Lonely? The Causes Of Loneliness
There are many reasons you might be feeling lost and lonely. There’s no one answer to the question of what causes loneliness. However, if you’re asking yourself “Why do I feel lonely?”, it might help you to understand some of the evolutionary and biological reasons why you’re having this unpleasant experience.
There are proven connections between your feelings of social isolation and everything from reduced heart health to decreased resistance to disease, so there’s an increasing amount of research on the origins of loneliness.
As it turns out, genetic data indicates you can inherit loneliness from a parent. The inheritance rate is estimated at just under 50%.
So, if you have a lonely parent, some of your emotional turmoil might have more to do with biology than context.
However, don’t underestimate the significant role that nurture plays in your loneliness. Studies also show that even if you’re genetically identical to another person, you’ll feel lonelier if you have less social support.
There are two key points for you to take away here:
- You might be unlucky enough to have a genetic predisposition to loneliness.
- Controlling factors in your environment can have a powerful impact on whether you remain lonely.
4 Reasons You Feel Lonely Even Though You Have Friends
If you have friends, you might feel perplexed by your own loneliness. However, here are four reasons why you might feel lost and alone in spite of your friends.
- Your social circle is about quantity over quality. Perhaps you have plenty of people who’ll go out with you or have a laugh with you, but very few who feel very close to you.
- You’re naturally introverted. If you’re an introvert, you might not do much to connect with your friends… especially when you’re in a big group. Although sitting quietly is quite natural for an introvert, it can also be lonely.
- You’re highly defended. If you’ve been hurt in the past or just aren’t sure about letting people in, you might not let your friends really know you. And if you don’t show them your authentic self, they can’t give you the validation that can remedy loneliness.
- You spend too much time on social networks. Finally, if you constantly compare your life to those you see online, you’re bound to feel lonely and dissatisfied. Everyone puts an idealized form of themselves on social media, leaving others feeling they’re not really happy in comparison.
How To Stop Feeling Lonely And Overcome Depression (Steps To Take Right Now)
No matter why you feel lonely, it is possible to feel better. But what should you do, right now, to overcome depression? While you can’t miraculously fix every problem in your life overnight, you can learn to feel better today. Then, you can build on that foundation, gradually creating an everyday reality that actually feels good and right, not inauthentic and sad.
Here are some of the best ways to cope with loneliness and find a new sense of happiness.
Step 1: Accept It As A Feeling
Don’t let yourself fall into the trap of believing that loneliness is forever. You might feel lonely today, this week, or even this month, but it doesn’t mean you are alone or that you have no one who cares for you.
all feelings, loneliness is impermanent and it does not define who you are. Accept that you feel lonely, then focus on moving forward.
Step 2: Maintain And Enhance Relationships
If there are people in your life that you wish you were closer to, take steps to make that happen. Suggest plans, make contact, and stick to the arrangements you make.
This applies just as much to family members and friends of many years as it does to new people in your life. Do you know someone you’d to has a friend? Be brave enough to reach out. Often, they’ll be very glad you did.
Step 3: Disconnect From Social Media
As noted above, social media breeds loneliness by giving you false perceptions. Instead of scrolling through images of everyone’s best selves and happiest times, take a step back from your online life for a while.
Choose to only look at social networks once a day, or perhaps not at all for a month. See if this makes any difference to your loneliness, and ask yourself what you can learn from this.
Step 4: Refocus Your Attention
If you think about sadness and loneliness all the time, you will be sadder and lonelier. Do things that gently nudge your perspective towards the positive.
A gratitude journal is a great example. You can write in it every morning, setting you up for a more optimistic day ahead. Simply write down 5 things that make you feel grateful each day. This process challenges you to find and foster the good in your life.
Step 5: Learn To Enjoy Your Own Company
Sometimes, you might trick yourself into feeling lonely because you’ve internalized the message that you can only be happy if you’re with others. This isn’t true… there’s a lot of worth to enjoying your own company.
Experiment with ways of having a good time alone. Take a walk in nature (studies show this boosts mood and self-esteem), create something, exercise, plan a day-trip or treat yourself to your favorite meal. You may be surprised by how much better you feel.
Step 6: Get Your Comfort Zone
Finally, some of the best ways to combat loneliness involve deliberate trying brand new things. Whether you join a book group, learn a new skill at a class or go to a club dedicated to one of your major passions, you’re opening yourself up to the chance of new social connections. What do you have to lose? At worst, you’ll grow as a person and have new experiences under your belt.
Feeling Lonely In A Marriage? How To Deal With Loneliness In A Relationship
You might expect to find yourself feeling lonely after a breakup, but what about when you’re still with someone?
Feeling alone or feeling lonely in a relationship is more common than you’d think. Over time, people can drift apart or take each other for granted, and you might feel your spouse just doesn’t “get you” anymore.
Here are four tips on how to deal with loneliness in a relationship:
- Be the one to instigate change. If you’re feeling lonely, your partner is probably lonely too. Don’t get trapped in a stalemate where both of you are too afraid or resentful to make the first move. Instead, reach out, show interest and share feelings.
If you keep doing this, your partner will ly return the goodwill.
- Reconnect over good memories. No matter what things are now, there was a time when you and your spouse were happy. You can heal some of the loneliness in a marriage by revisiting those better times.
Trade favorite stories, look through photo albums or listen to the songs from your early dates.
- Empathize. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
How is your spouse feeling, and why? How might they see your situation and any points of contention? You can close some of the distance between you simply through this exercise of perspective-taking. And you can take your empathetic attitude into conversation with your spouse.
- Suggest small things.
You don’t need to go on grand vacations or move house to make your marriage better. Suggesting simple, manageable dates is a much more effective strategy for treating your loneliness. For example, cook a meal together, go for a walk or see a movie.
Powerful Daily Affirmations For Enjoying Your Own Company And Combatting Loneliness
Finally, if you’re feeling lonely or lost, try affirmations for loneliness:
- “I am at peace when I’m on my own.”
- “I can appreciate myself for everything that I am.”
- “Only I am responsible for my happiness.”
- “I am learning to love myself and my own company.”
- “I will trust my intuition.”
- “Being alone is rejuvenating me.”
- “I am finding myself by being on my own.”
- “I am creative, happy and at peace when I am on my own.”
- “We all learn new things about ourselves every day.”
- “I will take the time to truly understand myself.”
Feeling Lonely? Overcome Loneliness Today Using The Law Of Attraction
On one final note: It’s important to take every opportunity you can to help yourself get closer to ultimate self-love and acceptance.
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Coping with the Pain of Loneliness After a Breakup
“Relationships are glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown
I am at a phase in my life right now where I’m struggling with loneliness.
It means that most of the time, I feel a deep sense of disconnection from the world around me and the people I share it with.
The mere fact that I am writing this in the small hours of the morning, deafened by the ear-splitting silence of an empty flat, unable to sleep, simply emphasizes this point to me even harder.
The empty flat in question is mine. And the situation in which I find myself was not part of the plan that I had envisioned for my life at this moment in time.
Everything that was once familiar has now changed.
It was during the end of summer of last year that I split up with my long-term boyfriend. We had begun our six-year relationship stepping out into the big wide world, side by side, doing the grown-up thing of getting our first place together.
It was new and exciting. The future looked promising. And to be fair, it did work, on and off, for a respectable number of years.
However, fast forward past the cluster of good times and the occasional happy holiday, and I found myself having to face up to the heartbreak of a damaged relationship. In particular, the daunting prospect of sharing my future with another human being who, in essence, I just did not feel a connection with anymore.
I could choose to spend my days feeling alone, on the surface still part of the relationship, but deep down feeling emotionally detached and distanced from him.I could patiently wait for the days where I felt an element of hope—the momentary optimism that everything would turn work out okay for us in the end. I could even reason with myself that this is only a rough patch in our relationship, just a little blip in the overall bigger picture.
Or I could face up to the truth and accept the glaringly obvious: it was over, unfixable, and time to move on.
For months my thoughts were in constant battle. The laborious task of trying to make things work seemed it was set up to be life-long endeavor. Neither of us had the enthusiasm anymore. It seemed we had simply lost the passion.
In the end, we knew what was coming. It was time to call it a day, move on, and go our separate ways.
Here is what I’ve learned about dealing with loneliness:
Feel your emotions
When you strip away a big part of your life, you feel exposed, empty, and vulnerable.
During the time after my breakup, I experienced deep feelings of unshakable loneliness. And I still suffer with these feelings from time to time.
However, I have learned that masking those uncomfortable feelings (my escapism being alcohol and meaningless dates) only leaves the pain unattended for a while longer.
I started to understand that I needed to accept my loneliness as a true emotion. It would not just softly fade away, no matter how hard I tried to numb my feelings or look for distractions.
As you experience your emotions, you start to feel lighter. Give them the time and space they need to be fully expressed. Write down your thoughts. Talk about them with someone. Acknowledge that they do exist and that what you are feeling is very real to you.
Trust that the pain does eventually lose its intensity, making room for you to experience a sense of calmness and clarity amidst the difficulties.
Listen to your own advice
I have indulged in my fair share of self-help books over the years, ranging from detailed accounts on depression, self-esteem issues, and more recently, tips and tricks on beating loneliness.
These stories may offer a few moments of fleeting comfort as you flick through the pages. But they are not able to take the sting the raw emotions that you experience first-hand, such as during those times when you are sitting alone, feeling fed up and isolated from the world around you.
Therefore, I have learned to take only the advice that works best for my own mind, body, and spirit, and leave the rest for someone else.Maybe you are someone me who prefers to stay at home, enjoying a book, watching a film, or having a bath rather than getting “out there,” meeting people, and forging new relationships.
Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break, making space during those times when you need to rest and restore. Go at your own pace. Understand that you are your own best teacher. And only you will know when it feels right to take the brave step your comfort zone into the unknown.
Realize there is nothing to fix
We know the world is a busy place, crammed full of busy people with busy lives.
But that doesn’t mean we need to rush around trying to mend everything that is seemingly wrong with us all of the time.
While learning to stay with uneasy emotions, I realized that I didn’t need to find a speedy resolution for the difficult feelings. It’s okay to feel lonely; it’s just one of our many human emotions.
In fact, it was a relief. There was no need to force myself to search in all the wrong places for the solution anymore. I am certainly not the only single person in the world. Why did I feel that I needed to fix this aspect of my life so soon? It wasn’t even broken.
Try and enjoy the freedom that comes from being detached. Appreciate the opportunity to gain introspection on yourself. You may even discover new interests or familiarize yourself with old forgotten hobbies now that your life has shifted focus.
Accept how it is
Accepting that there is nothing wrong with how I am feeling gave me the grace to relax. There is no problem right now; therefore, there is nothing I urgently need to attend to.
I know that eventually life will change again; it always does.
How I am feeling now may not be a true reflection on how I feel in a few weeks, months, or years’ time. And I trust that I will stumble across whatever it is I am looking for at some point again in the future.
Right now, though, I am experiencing my life as it is, complete with its bundle of thought-provoking emotions that come as part of the package.I have learned to accept that this is just another passing chapter in my story, purposely placed here to keep life interesting and meaningful.
It may not be a highlight, but it is still part of my life. And I can live with that.
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