Forgiveness For Our Lack Of Understanding.
Explanations > Behaviors > Blame > Forgiveness
What is forgiveness? | Social forgiveness | True forgiveness | Never having to forgive | See also
Forgiveness and blame are closely related. Here's how they intersect.
What is forgiveness?
The dictionary defines forgiving as 'stopping being angry or resentful towards someone for some offence'. However, this does not really get to the underlying issue, which is that when we perceive someone as having done wrong, we blame them, which includes judging them, concluding guilt and consequent need for punishment.
A simple definition of forgiveness gets to the root of this:
Forgiveness is the cessation of blame
In other words, to forgive, you must first blame. If you have not blamed, then there is nothing to forgive. Blame involves having negative feelings towards the other person. When you forgive, you stop having those negative feelings that were created by blaming.
When we verbally forgive people, we do not always really forgive them. Saying 'I forgive you' is often a social signal that you intend to put the matter behind you, at least for now. It does not mean you have forgotten the transgression nor have you stopped blaming them.
There is a ritual in social forgiveness. The first stage is blame. The next is acceptance of guilt by the blamed person.
The third stage is remorse, where the blamed person apologises as they seek to show their remorse.They may also have to take actions to make up for their wrong-doing, such as a person accused of laziness working extra hard to show they are now no longer lazy. Finally, forgiveness is offered.
Sometimes forgiveness is offered as an inducement to improve, such as where a parent forgives a child for rudeness, hoping that the child will repay their kindness by being less rude in future.
When a person is socially forgiven yet others still blame them, then a future transgression can lead to even stronger recrimination and blame as the blamer feels a sense of betrayal after their original generosity in forgiveness. If the person blamed does not transgress, then the sense of blame will ly fade and be forgotten.
True forgiveness involves complete forgiveness where, as defined above, all blame is removed. This can come through acceptance and/or understanding.
If we accept the person's regret, remorse, apology and compensatory action, then we may fully forgive them. When we do this, we still retain our superior position of judge where we conclude that the person has 'learned their lesson' and is truly trying to improve themselves.
Another form of acceptance is that the person is imperfect, human and hence liable to mistakes and lack of full consideration. We forgive ourselves our transgressions, so it may seem fair to treat others in the same way. We feel good about this as we view ourselves as fair and hence good.
When a person does something, it may seem at first to be wrong, yet if you take time to understand why they did it, you might change your mind and accept their reasoning. For example a person who steals food may seem wrong, but if it is for their starving family, then you may forgive them, giving these extenuating circumstances.
This is similar to accepting imperfection but is based in understanding psychology rather than having simple faith in humanity. When we understand people, we use a deeper insight into how people truly think and behave (including ourselves).
We are evolving beings who are not that far from swinging in the trees and primitive drivers still have a significant, if unconscious, effect on us. Psychological studies have shown how we are strongly affected by bias.
Our decisions are also affected by limited knowledge and understanding of others and situations
Never having to forgive
A good position that is often far less stressful is to not blame people. If you do not blame, then you do not have to forgive. This can be achieved by first seeking reason, assuming that despite appearances the person is not bad. This can be helped by studying psychology or just taking a common-sense position of accepting that we are all imperfect.
Not blaming can be a difficult social position as gossip often takes the form of group blaming, where not joining in the blame can result in you being judged and blamed for your 'softness'. Yet at the same time, when you are seen to be thoughtful and generous, you may be forgiven for not blaming due to your kind nature.
Living Without Blame
Are you able to give yourself the gift of forgiveness? Find out here!
Last Updated on June 13, 2019
Think you have a boring life?
The definition of boring is dull or not interesting. Maybe you’ve been doing the same thing and living the same life for too long, or maybe your daily routine is limiting your growth and happiness.
Whatever your reason is, the following list of 20 things can definitely make any day more interesting.
Some of them are silly, while some are more meaningful, so hopefully just reading the list makes your life less boring and sparks your creativity.
Let’s dive in the list to quit your boring life and start living an interesting (and meaning) one!
1. Channel Your 7-Year-Old Self
What would he or she want to do right now? Color? Paint? Run around outside? Play dress up? Eat with your hands? Play that instrument hiding in the back of your closet that you haven’t touched in years?
Just because you’re a grown up doesn’t mean any of this stuff will be less enjoyable than you remember it. Give yourself permission to play.
2. Go Play with Kids
Speaking of little kids, if you have your own or access to any (in a non-creepy way, they’re your niece or your best friend’s kid, you get the idea) go play with them!
They didn’t create an entire show called Kids Say The Darndest Things because kids aren’t hilarious. They also keep things so simple, and we can really stand to be reminded of this and stop allowing ourselves to get bogged down in boring details.
3. Order a Hot Dog
While you’re eating it, Google: “What’s in a hot dog?” You decide whether or not you want to finish it.
4. For the Ladies: Wear Your Sexiest Lingerie Under Your Work Clothes
Your “little secret” will leave you feeling anything but boring all day!
5. Play Cell Phone Roulette
You’ll need at least one buddy for this. Scroll through the contacts in your phone, stop on a random one and call the person.
You could spark an incredible catch up session or be incredibly awkward. Neither are boring.
6. Fill out a Pack of Thank-You Cards
Give them to random people who probably don’t get thanked too often for doing what they do ever day.
Ideas: police officers, librarians, servers, baristas, cab drivers, sanitation workers, teachers, people behind any check out counter, receptionists, your friends, the guy at the falafel stand, etc.
7. Sign up for a Class in Something You’ve “Always Wanted to Do”, or Something That Makes You Really Uncomfortable
Ideas: pole dancing, salsa lessons, improv, pottery, cooking, knitting (yup, there are classes for this, too!), karate, boxing, something techy the workshops they run in Apple stores, get Rosetta Stone and learn that language you’ve always wanted to speak, etc.
What’s good about joining an interest class is that you will also meet new people!
8. Interview Your Grandparents About Their Lives
You can bet they’ve had some crazy experiences you probably never knew about.
9. Get up on Stage at an Open Mic Night
Whether you’re funny or not, get up on stage and just talk funny. And if you’re not, memorize a few of your favorite jokes and tell those!
10. Do Something for Someone Else That You Wish Someone Would Do for You
We all have a few ideas on this list. I promise you will feel amazing after and anything but bored.
11. Start a DIY Project in Your Home
It doesn’t have to be super complicated. If you need ideas, there’re plenty on Pinterest. Or you can also check out these 30 Awesome DIY Projects that You’ve Never Heard of.
12. Plan a Weekend Trip or an All-Out Vacation
This will give you something to look forward to.
Even if you don’t have the time or money to go on a vacation, plan for a staycation, which is same fun and relaxing!
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13. People Watch
Find a bench in a crowded area (centers of transportation airports, bus stops and train stations are great for this!) and just observe.
People are infinitely interesting.
14. Eat Something You’ve Never Eaten Before
Bonus points if it’s a random fruit or veggie.
You can get your friends together for a night on the town or just pull up a video on and bust a move from your own living room.
If you’re feeling extra brave, you can even dance in public and get other people involved.
16. Go to and Search “Funny Pets” or “Funny Babies”
This is also a great quickie ab workout as you will be laughing hysterically.
17. Pick up a Book and Start Reading
Check out the NY Times Best Sellers lists and grab a new book you can get lost in.
18. Step Away from the Computer and Go Get Some Time with People You Care About in Real Life
stalking doesn’t count as real social interaction. You can even share this post with your friends and vote on which one you’d to do together!
19. Check out a Museum You’ve Never Been to Before
OK, depending on your interests, this one might actually be boring. If you love learning, art or different cultures though, this one is for you!
20. Write a List of Things You Desire and Truly Want
This is a great way to help you figure out the real reason why you’re feeling bored about your life. Maybe you haven’t really done things that you truly enjoy? Maybe what you’ve wanted to do all the time has been left behind?
Think about the list of things you really want to do, and ask yourself why you aren’t doing these things (yet). Then start taking your first step to make what you want happen.
Now go make your life interesting and live your dream life!
More About Living a Fulfilling Life
Featured photo credit: Kev Costello via unsplash.com
The Gift of Forgiveness
Viewing forgiveness as a gift suggests that forgiveness begins with a decision on the part of the person doing the forgiving. In this case the forgiver lets go of the resentment of a wrong or difference—either real or imagined.
As the choice of forgiveness is made in the mind of the forgiver, it can apply to the release of any resentment; whether towards another, one's self, a group, a situation, or even towards God. According to this view, forgiveness of another can be granted without need for the other party to ask for forgiveness.
The act of forgiveness has merit in and of itself and can stand alone without condition and is therefore separate from the perceived wrongdoer’s behavior.
Although forgiveness may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender, when the offender offers some form of acknowledgment, apology, or restitution this can often open the way for the person who perceives to be wronged to feel empowered to forgive.
As a gift to one's self, forgiveness can alleviate a person's hurt or emotional turmoil, help one to gain closure, and assist in the processing of moving forward with one's life. Conversely, forgiveness as a gift to the forgiven provides them with a clear path for overcoming their resultant guilt and shame, which may be a consequence of their action(s) or inaction. Advocates of this view generally maintain that forgiveness does not entail condoning the wrong or difference that occasioned the resentment.  Forgiveness of this nature is sometimes referred to as “selective remembering,” whereby one focuses only upon love or loving thoughts and the letting go of negative thoughts.
While for many forgiveness seems impossible, and the need for justice overwhelming, there are those who have found it in their hearts to forgive even those who caused them the deepest pain. The result of such forgiveness can lead to healing and positive change for all.
Religious and Spiritual Views on Forgiveness
Did you know?
Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness
Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an underlying basis for modern day traditions and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines place greater emphasis on the need for humans to find divine forgiveness for their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice forgiveness of one another, yet others make little or no distinction between human and divine forgiveness.
Unfortunately, while the sacred texts and the lives of the founders of world religions teach forgiveness, the followers have not always practiced forgiveness.This is particularly noticeable in the religious wars that have scarred human history where members of different faiths have used violence against those who do not follow the same religious path.
Nevertheless, each of the following religions has much of value to say about forgiveness.
Rembrandt – “The Return of the Prodigal Son”
According to traditional Christian teachings, the forgiveness of others is one of the spiritual duties of the Christian believer:
You shall not take vengeance or bear any grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord. (Leviticus 19.18)
God is considered to be the original source of all forgiveness, which is made possible through the suffering and sacrifice of Jesus, and is freely available to the repentant believer.
As a response to God's forgiveness, the Christian believer is in turn expected to learn how to forgive others; some might argue that the forgiveness of others is a necessary part of receiving forgiveness ourselves:
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
… And in anger his lord delivered him to the jailers, till he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18.
In fact, the Lord's Prayer (Gospel of Matthew 6:9–13), implies that our being forgiven by God is predicated upon our ability to forgive others. Christians are advised to forgive others before making their offering to God:
Ordinary People Lack Of Forgiveness , Sample of Essays
Forgiveness is the ability to release the mind and heart from all past hurts and failures, all sense of guilt and loss. Judith Guest uses the theme of forgiveness in her novel to establish its importance in a real life family situation.
In Ordinary People, the lack of forgiveness detrimentally affects the Jarret Family. The father, Calvin Jarret, finds himself torn between his wife, Beth, and his suicidal son, Conrad. Beth finds herself unable to forgive Cal and Con which results in her leaving them.
The most prominent example of how the inability to forgive has detrimental affects on a relationship can be seen between Conrad and Beth.
The importance of forgiveness is so vital that it is even taught by most major religions. Judith Guest is able to vividly capture the destruction that can be created by the inability to forgive.
In the novel, Calvin is greatly affected by the lack of forgiveness. As a general rule of forgiveness, one cannot expect to be completely consistent, to always act lovingly, to be totally accepting and tolerant, and always unselfish and fair.
Cal is torn between his wife and his son.He has made every attempt to forgive Conrad. He even looks past Con’s mistake in order to help him move on with his life. However, Cal cannot forgive Beth for not loving Con. He feels that Beth is “such a perfectionist” and that “everything had to be perfect” (89).
He eventually forgives her for being a perfectionist stating that “it is chance and not perfection that rules the world” (90).
The Essay on Forgiveness Forgive World Live
… forgiveness a selfish act, a way to make ourselves feel … , is going to live longer without forgiveness, whether it's ourselves or others we ” re forgiving. We see it effects us in … Forgiveness Is: #My Thoughts of Forgiveness Is it possible to forgive a wrong done to someone else? Should only those who repent be forgiven? Is …
Cal forgives Beth for being a perfectionist but, unfortunately, is unable to forgive her for not loving Con.
As a result, a rift is formed in their relationship. Tension grows between them until finally their relationship falls apart and they separate. Subsequently, Cal can’t forgive Beth for these reasons. He finds himself alone since she has left him and Conrad. Beth’s relationships with Cal and Con are deleterious l affected by the absence of forgiveness.
As Conrad went to the hospital after the boating accident that resulted in his brother’s death, he apologized to his mother and father. However, when he was in the hospital for attempting suicide he doesn’t apologize, instead, offering the alibi: “I wish I knew why I just don’t” (239).
Consequently, Beth believes that Conrad made his attempt at suicide “as vicious, as sickening as he could” because he “wanted it to kill ” her (237).
Beth can’t forgive Conrad for this and even though “it hasn’t killed her, it has done something terrible to her; something terrible” (240).
Beth’s relationship with Conrad is ruined because she “can’t respond” with love towards him (238).
Beth blames Cal for moping around and being depressed, dragging everybody else down with him.She also blames Cal for worrying about Con and directing all of his attention towards him. She can’t forgive Cal for being controlled by Con “even when he’s not around, even when he’s two thousand miles away.” (236) This is an attributing factor to the rift in their relationship.
This rift is caused by Beth’s lack of forgiveness and remains only because neither party makes an attempt at bridging the gap. Thus, a vicious circle of blame is formed because nobody is willing to forgive. Conrad is detrimentally affected by his lack of forgiveness towards Beth and himself.
He crucifies himself with resentment and guilt.
When his brother, Jordan, died he feels guilty and blames himself for “killing him” and “letting him drown” because he hung on, and stayed with the boat instead of doing “something” to help him (223).
His sense of guilt fills him with anger and bitterness. By harboring his negative feelings he is making himself hurt more and sabotaging any possible productivity in his life. Con is resentful of Beth because she blames him for Jordan’s death. Con is torn apart because he strives for Beth’s forgiveness but feels that he “is never going to be forgiven” (119).
The Essay on Imperialism Representation In Conrad And Kipling
… . A Bloody Racist: About Achebes View of Conrad in Joseph Conrad; Critical Assessments, Keith Carabine, ed., Volume II …
Darkness: Anti-Imperialism, Racism or Impressionism? in Joseph Conrad; Critical Assessments, Keith Carabine, ed., Volume II: … said that it is a reward to be blamed, hated and cried at for improving, guarding …
Burden And reap his old reward: The blame of those ye better, The hate of …
Con makes an obvious attempt to forgive Beth when he hugs her. However Beth can’t respond with love and she still can’t forgive him. He finds that talking to and dealing with Beth is “impossible” (119).
Conrad’s resentment towards Beth creates a tension between them that ultimately ruins their relationship. Many ordinary people don’t understand the vital importance of forgiveness. These people have a tendency to sulk, that is, look for small neglects and injustices.
The Jarret are all guilty of sulking. Calvin blames Beth for not loving Conrad enough. Beth blames Calvin, for letting himself be controlled by Conrad. She also blames Conrad, for trying to hurt her. Conrad blames Beth for not loving him but more importantly he blames himself for his brother’s death.
Parents and children must learn that misunderstandings will sometimes occur and they may often have different perceptions of events and behaviors. This doesn’t mean that either person is wrong, just that they have different views.
Accepting these differences creates more understanding among family members and can help to build greater family strengths. Judith Guest uses an “ordinary” family to tragically and dramatically illustrate how forgiveness is and essential part of a strong, healthy relationship.
Guest’s novel, Ordinary People, depicts what happens to the relationships in the Jarret family due to their lack of forgiveness. 326.