For Wisdom In My Relationship With My Boyfriend
My Boyfriend hates me what should i do?
We all end up in tiffs with those closest to us, such as family, friends and boyfriends. Sometimes we are to blame, sometimes they are.
The important thing is to figure out what happened and how to resolve it.
Below you will find some reasons why your boyfriend might have come to hate you for certain things (though he still loves you for others or he wouldn’t be with you) and what you can do about it.
Maybe you broke up with someone else recently and is still processing it. Maybe you have a tendency to compare the now with the “then” without even realizing it. Maybe you have a great relationship with your ex and still talk to him on the phone every day as his friend.
Whatever it may be, if you bring up your ex, your current boyfriend can start feeling inferior to him.
Whilst you don’t see it that way and therefore don’t understand why your boyfriend is upset, try to refrain from talking about your ex for a while.
Also make it clear that whilst you might still be processing a past relationships, or be friends with your ex, it’s not him you want. You want the man standing right in front of you.
You Keep Putting Him Down
We are all guilty of putting our boyfriend down at some point or another – whether we joke about his poor cooking skills, or compare his abs to those of Chris Hemsworth, there comes a time when we say something offensive, even if it was just in jest.
Sometimes we get a habit of doing this too much. Maybe we think we’re just having a laugh. Maybe all the other girlies are joking about their men too in front of them. Maybe you sarcasm. The truth is still that your man wants to be appreciated.
Especially in front of others.
You Take Him for Granted
There was a time when you ran home from work to see your man, came up with exquisite date nights, cooked for him, gave him massages and dressed up from head to toe to try to impress him.
Nowadays you have so much on your mind with your career, your social life has exploded, your family needs you and you tend to see your boyfriend a bit here and there when time allows. In other words, you’ve started taking your boyfriend for granted.
You love each other, so there’s no need to do anything for the relationship, is there? Of course there is! For anything to be good it has to grow and develop.
You’re Always There
Just as annoying as never being there and taking him for granted, is always being there. He needs time for his hobbies, his friends and his family. Without you there. People need space to be themselves. You fell in love with him for who he was and the life he led, so don’t try to take that away from him by being everywhere. He needs time to miss you.
You Control Everything
You book his dentist appointments, you make sure he remembers his mother’s birthday, you choose his clothes for work, you insist his birthday is celebrated the way you want it to be celebrated and you pick the furniture at home. The only thing is, he’s an individual. If you remove the individual there’s nothing left. Sooner or later he will ly come to hate you for it as well, as people want to be loved for who they are, not who you want them to be.
You Don’t Need Him
As couples we should complement each other; help balance each other. However, some women have gotten it into their heads that if they show any sign of needing their man to do anything for them, they’re inferior. If they can’t reach the thing on the top shelf, they climb a ladder. If they can’t open something, they use forceps.
If their bags are heavy, they get a trolley. If they get scared when watching a horror movie, they turn on the light. Because low and behold they can do that. It’s just, asking someone for help ever so often doesn’t undermine your ability. We get it, you can do anything. That doesn’t mean you have to.
Especially if there is someone next to you dying to show his manliness. He wants to give you his jacket when you are cold, even if he knows if you start jogging you will be fine. He wants to hold the door for you, even if he knows you are strong enough to hold it yourself. He wants to show he can do something for you.Even if he knows he doesn’t need to, as you are a strong independent woman, he just wants to spoil you when doing it and feel you appreciate him for it.
Just let him feel you need him. A little bit. So that he can feel he’s actually giving you something more than cuddles.
Here’s the thing, men think that they need to please you. If they aren’t sure whether they did or didn’t, they don’t know if you are truly happy with them and they start feeling unhappy with themselves. Tell him he’s a sex God. Just do it.
You Flirt with Everyone
If you are the catch, he will be so happy to have gotten you. If you shine when out at parties and men look twice as you go by, because you radiate confidence and warmth, he will feel such a stud. However, if you invite all the men to flirt with you when out, as opposed to showing him off to the world, well…he won’t be that happy, even if he’s the one you walk home with.
Show him off when you go out. Be proud to have him by your side. The prouder you are, the better he will feel.
He’s Just Grumpy
You feel your boyfriend hates you, but you don’t know why. You’ve tried all the above – you’re showering him in compliments, you show you need him, you take time out for him (whilst also having time for yourself), you let him run his life, you don’t talk about your ex and in general things seem fine, apart from that grumpiness. So what’s wrong? The best way to find out is to ask him.
You Ignore His Wishes
Whenever you ask what he thinks, you disregard what he says and go ahead with what you were planning to do anyway, without acknowledging his thoughts. You need to learn to compromise ever so often.
You Air Your Relationship with Everyone
If you tell everyone and their dog about your man and exactly what is going on in your relationship, he might end up a bit grumpy unless he’s as open about things as you are.
A relationship requires work and we often do things unintentionally that piss off other people, including our boyfriend. We need to learn to ask, as well as watch how he reacts to us to find out what works and what doesn’t.
Communication and relationships, anything else, is an art.
It’s not about pleasing someone constantly, but rather just as saying please and thank you, there are ways of doing things in a manner that’s respectful and where the other person feels appreciated.
11 Undeniable Signs He’s In Love With You
He loves me … he loves me not … if only finding the answer were as simple as plucking petals off a flower. So what makes it so hard to determine if a man truly loves you?
A lot of us have ideas about what love should be, what it should look , and how it should feel. A lot of the time these ideas are plain wrong (we can thank romantic comedies for that). As a result, some of us might not recognize the real thing when it comes our way.
Maybe it’s because of these grand visions of love that have been implanted in our minds, but it could also be the result of being burned too many times in the past and having walls up when it comes to either giving love or being able to receive it.
The point is, love is a tricky thing. A guy can say he loves you and not truly mean it, and a guy can love you a lot but not be ready to say it.
Love, as beautiful as it is, can also be scary, and a lot of us keep our guard up until we’re sure he feels a certain way in order to keep from getting hurt. As the saying goes, before you fall in love, make sure there is someone there to catch you.
The trouble with this is that when you get caught up in trying to figure out if a man loves you, you can no longer be present in the relationship. Instead of connecting, you are stuck in your own worried thoughts, and those thoughts produce fears and insecurities that ultimately block you from getting the love you want.
So how do you know if a man is truly in love with you? If he shows these 11 signs, then it’s pretty safe to say he is.
It isn’t a look of lust and desire (although he will feel that as well!). Instead, it’s marked by a certain level of awe, serenity, and inner calm. It’s a look reserved only for you.
It’s not only the way he looks at you; it’s the frequency. He can’t stop looking at you; whether you’re together or across the room from each other, his gaze will always be oriented toward you.
2. He wants to give to you
Real love is about giving, not taking. This is why parents typically love their children more than their children love them. You would think it would be the opposite.
From birth through our teenage years (and sometimes beyond!) kids take and parents give. Every parent (myself included!) will tell you that you never know real love until you have a child, and that’s because this kind of love is all about giving.
Nothing will knock the selfish you quite being completely responsible for tiny helpless people!When you love someone, you want to give that person everything you have. This isn’t about material possessions. You want to give by being the best you can, you want to make them happy, to enhance their life, you want to do things for them that will make them happy.
Love isn’t merely a feeling; it’s a verb and it comes across in actions. The biggest action that indicates a man loves you is when he gives you all he can.
QUIZ: Does He Love Me?
3. He treats you a priority
Everyone is busy; we all have work or school or other commitments. When a man loves you, he will make spending time with you a priority. And if he really doesn’t have time, he’ll make sure to let you know when he will.
When a man loves you, you’re the most important person in his life and he makes sure to carve out a place in it for you. You’re not an afterthought or a backup plan. You are it for him.
4. He wants to immerse himself in your life
He wants to meet your family and all of your friends, and he really wants them to him. He makes an effort to get to know them and make a good impression. He wants to know all about your passions and hobbies and tries to connect to these areas of your life as much as possible.
At the same time, he also wants to immerse you in his life and for you to meet all of his people. He wants you to be best friends with everyone he’s close to and he wants the people in his life to love you the way he does.
More than that, he includes you in his bigger life plan. He doesn’t speak about the future vaguely; instead, he makes it clear that he envisions a future with you in it.
MORE: How Men Show Their Love
5. He really sees you
He notices things about you that others don’t (maybe he even sees things that you don’t!) He notices how you interact with others, how people feel in your presence, how your mind works, how you process emotions, how you express yourself. He pays attention to all the little details and he remembers them. He appreciates the full scope of who you are, the good and the bad.
He doesn’t just love you, he loves things about you.
Really loving people doesn’t mean you love the way they make you feel (although many people believe that’s what love is), it’s about loving them for who they are at their core. This sort of love has nothing to do with how good that person makes you feel about yourself.
That’s not to say someone you love can’t or won’t make you feel good about yourself, but you can’t truly love people only because they make you feel good.
That’s a very selfish kind of love, a love that feeds your need to feel good in the moment, not a life-changing, deep love.
When someone really sees you, he sees not just everything you are but everything you want to be, and he’ll let you know when you’re falling short.
The catch? This may actually make you feel bad about yourself.
If you’re being a jerk to strangers, treating a friend poorly, or not living up to your obligations somehow, someone who loves you will let you know.
It may not feel good, but it’s a sign that he really sees you, all of you, and cares about you. (I go into greater depth on this in my article on what no one tells you about being in a good relationship.)
6. Your happiness is as important to him as his own
Your happiness may be even more important! When you love someone, really love someone, their happiness is your happiness. This is especially true for men who need to feel they can make a woman happy.
If you tell him that something makes you unhappy and he keeps doing it, this is not a sign that he’s in love with you. A man who loves you will avoid doing things that make you unhappy and will learn the things will make you happy, and he’ll make an effort to do those things.
7. He misses you when you’re apart
Men typically fall in love in a woman’s absence, not her presence.
A man can shower you with all the love in the world while he’s with you because it’s nice to be with someone else and to connect and be affectionate, but what is he when he’s not with you? Does he miss you? Does he make an effort to reach out? Or does he disappear for days on end and then tell you he’s sorry, he’s just been “super swamped?”
When you love someone, you yearn for their presence and miss them when they’re gone.
It doesn’t mean you are constantly thinking about them every waking minute, because that would be an unhealthy obsession, not love, but the thought of them always lingers in the background.Things remind you of them, something happens and you want to tell them, you just feel a constant connection even when you’re apart.
When a man is in love with you, he’ll be in touch. He’ll send you funny things he finds online or links to articles he thinks you’d , or he’ll tell you about something funny that happened to him that he thought you’d appreciate. You don’t ever wonder what black hole he’s fallen into. He’s just there, and you dont doubt he’ll stay there.
I remember very early in my relationship with my husband I knew he really cared about me because he would always keep me in the loop, even when it wasn’t necessary. For instance, before our third date, I texted him to confirm the time and he didn’t respond for about 45 minutes and when he did he apologized for the delay and said he was out with friends and not checking his phone.
I don’t consider 45 minutes to be that significant of a time lag and didn’t need the explanation, but it made me feel cared for and it showed me that he considered me someone important and didn’t want me to think that something else was more important. He would do considerate things that constantly, and that’s how I knew he loved me long before he even said it.
When a guy loves you, he won’t ever leave you hanging. He’ll keep you informed about what he’s up to, not because he has to, but because he wants to.
9. He’s there for you even when it’s inconvenient
Being in love is easy when everything is going great and it’s all smooth sailing, but what happens when you hit a rough patch, or when you need him? How does he respond when there is a problem, when he needs to be there for you even if there are other things he would rather be doing?
Love is other-focused; it’s not about one’s own needs and desires, it’s about factoring in someone else.
When a man loves you, nothing will be more important than being there for you when you need him. It may not always be his ideal scenario, but he’ll step up and be there.
10. He doesn’t give up
He puts his all into the relationship and really commits to making it work. When you love someone, you don’t quit without a fight.
I remember at the beginning of my relationship with my husband, a lot of my deep-seated relationship fears started bubbling to the surface. I had been blindsided by breakups in the past; I’d had men tell me they loved me and then they left me. It’s hard to just forget such things and wipe the slate clean.
Even though this relationship was totally different from anything else I’d ever experienced, those fears lingered.I remember one conversation where I brought this up to him, and he told me that if this relationship didn’t last, it would be a mutual parting and we would both see it coming.
He wasn’t going to just leave; he was going to put in everything he had. He did and so did I, and fortunately it all worked out!
MORE: 10 Signs He’s a Keeper
If a man says he loves you but doesn’t want to try anymore, or gives up because he thinks it’s too hard, then it probably wasn’t true love. You don’t give up on love unless you have put everything you have into making it work, and it was just impossible (and this is something that both people will usually be able to clearly recognize).
There are obviously times where someone can truly love you, but because you’re just not right for each other, or maybe because you aren’t willing to put in the necessary effort, that he will walk away even though he loves you, but only after giving it his all.
Similar to what I said in my article about how to know if a guy s you, when a guy loves you, you just know. It’s obvious to you and to everyone around you. You’ll have a feeling of peace and calm and just knowing.
When someone truly loves you, his behavior and way of being with you won’t arouse feelings of insecurity/fear/anxiety/worry in you (as long as you yourself are emotionally healthy. If you’re prone to having those feelings no matter what, then they are probably generated within you).
Check in with yourself and see where it’s coming from. Usually, when we feel uneasy, the rug is going to be pulled out from under us, it’s because the relationship isn’t standing on a stable ground because the guy isn’t sure of how he feels. When someone loves you, he shows it and you just know it, even before he says it.
I hope after reading this article you’re totally clear on the signs a man is in love with you.But before you go, I need to tell you that there’s a crucial period in your relationship that will determine if you and he end up together, or if the relationship falls apart. At some point, he will start to back off.
He may lose interest, he may pull away, he may suddenly need space. Do you know how to handle it when he does this? If not, be sure to read this: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This…
The next problem you may run into is when he gets to the point where he asks himself: Is this the woman I want to commit to for the long-term? The fate of your relationship lies in the answer to that question. Do you know how men decide if a woman is girlfriend, or even wife, material? The type of woman that a man wants to commit himself to? If not you need to read this next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman
These Are the Biggest Signs He’s In Love With You:
- The way he looks at you.
- He wants to give to you.
- He treats you a priority.
- He wants to immerse himself in your life.
- He really sees you.
- Your happiness is as important to him as his own.
- He misses you when you’re apart.
- He keeps you in the loop.
- He’s there for you even when it’s inconvenient.
- He doesn’t give up.
- You don’t worry how he feels—you just know.
Why is my boyfriend keeping our relationship a secret??
When you are in a dating relationship all kinds of questions come up, especially at the beginning. I get asked a lot of questions about this and so today I have some new relationship advice to offer.
The Start of a Dating Relationship
The start of a dating relationship can be a wild time as you are both just trying to figure out all the details. Things :
- How/when do you tell other people about your relationship?
- When are you going to make time for each other?
- Falling hard for someone really quickly
Let’s Start off with Amy who asks the first question:
I’ve been seeing a guy for about a month now. Neither of us has told anyone about the relationship I sort of want to, but he does not.
Why does my boyfriend feel the need to keep our relationship a secret? Should I be worried?
Anytime there is secrecy involved in a relationship, there’s a cause for worry.
DAWSON: Some people to keep a relationship private when they’re not sure where it’s going. Still, others want to keep a relationship secret because they are also involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship. I’m not sure what the exact situation is with your boyfriend, but he may be using you, or he may even be worried about being embarrassed.
Either way, his secrecy should give you concern. Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.
Secrecy in Relationships is Cause for Concern
Anytime there is secrecy involved in a relationship there’s a cause for worry. Relationships should be about joy, happiness, and love…not secrecy.
If I were you, I would tell him how much you’re enjoying your relationship with him, but how difficult it is to not be able to talk about it with those who are closest to you.
Ask him if you could tell your best friend about the relationship, and see how he reacts.
On the other hand, maybe it’s okay to not to push your secret boyfriend to immediately “define” your relationship. Some people feel they have to tell the world when they are dating someone. This can be frightening to guys who are often afraid of calling something a relationship before they are really sure what it is.
Time and communication are going to be your two best friends in this situation. In the end, if he really cares about you, he’ll want the world to know.
8 Signs Your Dating Relationship Is Unhealthy
Tasha brings us the next new relationship question:
What should you do when you fall hard for someone and in a really short time?
What you’re dealing with is a lot of fantasy and not a lot of reality.
DAWSON: What you’re experiencing happens to a lot of people. It’s called infatuation. Infatuation is the emotional feeling of romantic love. It feels love. It acts love. But it does not pass an important test: the test of time.
There is nothing wrong with being infatuated, most relationships start there. But you just can’t build a lasting relationship with looks alone. You are probably feeling a great deal of attraction, even though you don’t know much about him. I would be very cautious if I were you because you’re dealing with a lot of emotion and fantasy, and not a lot of reality.
You’re most ly living off of the thoughts about “how great it would be to have this person love me and care for me” and the emotional high when he begins to show signs he really cares for you.
Over time, you’ll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is.While it’s difficult to do, you need to slow down your emotions. It’s a very confusing time, and you might be tempted to say or do things you will later regret. Get to know him as a friend, and let him get to know you.
In this situation, time is one of your best friends, because over time, you’ll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is. You will be able to make a better decision about whether or not to get more involved with him at that point. In this case, let your head tell you how to act, as opposed to your emotions.
I hear from a lot of people who are struggling with a broken-heart. Some of my most read blogs are about getting over a broken-heart. Not every broken-heart is avoidable, but the two questions I was asked above point to ways to protect yourself. Don’t jump in too fast and beware of secrets.
Relationship decisions are a big deal. That’s why I am asked so many questions about them. So I would always encourage you to pray to God about any relationship you are entering, especially if you have some concerns. Ask God if this is what he really desires for you.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5
God wants the best for you. So ask him to help you make the best decisions with your relationships.
Photo Credit: Kristina Flour
What are Some Tips for Communicating with my Boyfriend?
Perhaps the biggest tip for communicating with your boyfriend is to acknowledge that people, especially men and women, do not always express themselves in the same way.
Once you understands this, you can use certain techniques to improve the way you communicate: keep conversations simple and short, alert your boyfriend when you need to vent, use body language well and incorporate “I” statements into conversations.
Other tips include giving your boyfriend plenty of time to answer, trying to see through his eyes and using his unique traits and interests to make points clearer. Complimenting him also can improve the communication situation, because it can make him feel more needed and capable, prompting him to talk openly.
Acknowledge Communication Differences
Men and woman often have different ways of expressing themselves. Women tend to want to explore a range of different feelings and opinions.
They usually see communication as an effective way of preventing issues and planning what to do next. By contrast, discussing many opinions and feelings can be difficult for men, who typically prefer to keep things simple.
They sometimes do not see communicating as necessary unless there is already the need to take action or fix a problem.
Due to the way that most men communicate, it’s typically helpful to keep conversations short and rational, addressing just one or two feelings or ideas at a time. This requires you to narrow down exactly what you want to say before a discussion happens, but it usually keeps a guy’s attention.
Give a Heads Up Before Venting
Most men are good problem solvers because of the way their brains are “wired.” This can get his partner a fix, but it also can make a boyfriend respond to venting the wrong way.
He might think that you are giving him an issue to resolve, when really you just wants to get feelings off of your chest.
To put a boyfriend more at ease, it’s a good idea to start the conversation with an honest disclaimer, such as “I don’t expect anybody to have a solution, but just talking about it will make me feel better.”
Speak With the Body
Communicating well in a romantic or other relationship requires that you pay close attention to your body language.
Facial and other body gestures can pass on a huge amount of meaning during a conversation, so one way to manipulate a conversation well or avoid conflict with a boyfriend is to control your movements.
If you sit with your arms crossed, for example, this conveys an unwillingness to listen or hear the other person out. By contrast, leaning forward and smiling can show an interest in what your boyfriend is saying.
Use “I” Language
Even though body language can speak louder than the actual words a person says, your boyfriend still is going to listen to your actual speech.
Psychologists long have recommended using “I” statements such as “I think” or “I feel that…” while communicating, because such statements generally do not put the listener on the defensive.
Avoiding “you” statements therefore might improve the effectiveness of your talks.
Give Time for Response
There is a huge difference between monologue and dialogue. In monologue, just one person talks, meaning two-way communication doesn’t happen. Getting your boyfriend to open up in a meaningful way, therefore, means that you can’t do all the talking.
Give your boyfriend time to react to what you’ve said.
This can be challenging, because even though some people to take time to formulate a concise, simple and clear answer, others react emotionally to the brief periods of silence and sometimes feel the need to fill them with more talking.
See from His Point of View
One trick that sometimes boosts communication in a relationship is for one partner to put himself or herself in the other's shoes.
If the guy has been spending a lot of extra time with his friends, for example, you might try to think about what those friends provide in terms of fun, relaxation and self-expression.
You then can couple your understanding with “I” statements, such as “I know spending time with your friends lets you get rid of stress, but I feel …”
Take Advantage of the Unique
Even though men display some general characteristics that are pretty similar, each man, just each woman, is highly individual. Your boyfriend has his own dreams, philosophies, experiences, fears and preferences.
Incorporating these things into the communication approach can make him more responsive.
If your boyfriend is into video games, for instance, your might try using an analogy using a specific game to describe a situation, problem or feeling.
Many men are naturally competitive to some degree, so complimenting your boyfriend can boost his ego, making him feel comfortable and needed. That can make him more willing to talk openly and really listen attentively.
7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships
“It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.”
“He's so jealous, I have to face the wall in restaurants!”
Kevin sat beside her, rather meekly.
“Mark, can you please make him understand that I love him,” Katherine continued. “I don't want anybody else. But his insane jealousy is going to tear us apart unless something changes.”
Kevin admitted that when they went out in public, he would insist she sit toward a wall so that she couldn't see (or be seen by) other potential attractive mates.
If he caught her chatting or joking with male neighbours or colleagues, he would assume right off she was having an affair.
She had stopped seeing a really good male friend she'd known since childhood and he'd “banned” her from chatting to a 70-year-old married man who lived next door. This was maddening.
His jealousy was all-encompassing; from attractive male movie stars to male teachers of her young children.
At first (before realizing how destructive it was to become), she'd been flattered by the intensity of his jealous attentions – after all, it showed he cared, right? But the constant anxiety, loss of her freedom, and sheer clinginess (he would text every half-hour if she went out with a girlfriend) were now torture to her and also to him.
Most people feel a little jealous sometimes, especially when they have strong feelings of attraction and love for their partner, and a little jealousy occasionally can add zest to a relationship. But just as a spark can illuminate a room, a blaze can burn it to the ground. So what's behind jealousy?
What does jealousy in a relationship mean?
At the root of jealousy lies fear of loss. many jealous partners, Kevin feared loss of their relationship, loss of self-respect, even loss of 'face' fearing how his friends would see him if he were to be 'made a fool of'. Fear makes for feelings of insecurity.
When fear lessens, so does jealousy. More than feelings of fear, jealousy also leads to a smorgasbord of other emotions such as anger, hate of love 'rivals', disgust (sometimes self-disgust), and hopelessness.
So why might a person be jealous? Kevin's ex-wife had cheated on him and he felt he'd never got over this. 'Once bitten, twice shy', he was now creating imaginary threats. We're told it's great to have 'a good imagination', but he was using his to torment himself.Of course, if your partner is continually sexually active with other people, then jealousy is totally justified. And perhaps the whole relationship needs to be re-evaluated.
But here I want to focus on helping you if you feel unduly jealous (that's to say, there is no real or proper evidence that your partner is or has been unfaithful to you). These tips also focus on sexual jealousy rather than, say, being jealous of the amount of time your partner spends with their mother or kids.
So how can we start to break the jealousy cycle, reclaim self-control, and stop driving our partners and ourselves crazy?
1) It may sound trite, but how about you believe your partner?
Yes, take them at their word. If they do lie to you, then they are not making a fool anyone but themselves – remember that. It's been said that trust is the cornerstone of any relationship.
It's very insulting for your partner to have you always doubting their word or decency of behaviour. Constant questioning by you can even be as destructive as having an affair in the long run.
You'll still distrust your partner for a while ( sheer habit), but find the strength to start acting as if you believe them. If you've been checking that they really were where they said they've been, then stop doing that. When they tell you they love you, believe them.
2) Easier said than done, but stop comparing yourself to others
Some (not all) jealousy is driven by low self-esteem. “How could they love me? I don't understand how someone them could be attracted to someone me!” We none of us are supposed to understand exactly why someone loves us. Does the Mona Lisa painting know why it is so valuable? Of course, you may be able to appreciate attractive qualities in yourself, but consider this:
There are better looking, richer, funnier, smarter, younger people around than just about all of us, but these are qualities of a 'product'.
If he or she loves you, it will be because of an extra, indefinable quality you have that they couldn't even explain – some deep part of your humanity they connected to which transcends looks, youth, wealth, and so forth.
Some of the most loved people in history have been well down the list when it comes to looks or wealth. Stop trying to 'work out' why they can possibly you.
3) It might be a terrible thought, but be prepared to lose them
I said that not all jealousy is driven by low self-esteem; and that's right. People with quite high self-esteem can experience intense jealousy if they tend to feel they themselves must always be the centre of things.
People this tend to look at other people as material property. And maybe they just don't want to share that 'property', even as far as letting their partner innocently smile or socialize with another person.
Perhaps as a kid they were a little spoilt.
But people are not objects or toys to be constantly guarded. To love someone properly, we need to be prepared to lose them. What? Am I mad? Sounds it, you might think (and I do have my moments), but hear me out.Anger, fear, and jealousy drive out love; and love needs a strong dash of fearlessness to flourish.
Okay, so you fear losing your loved one to someone else (and possibly fear how this will make you feel about yourself).
If you must keep using your imagination, use it to imagine the 'worst' happening and you still being okay; not just surviving, but thriving in this imagined scenario.
Fantasize about how well you'd react, how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Write down 10 positive ways you'd to respond and how you'd build your life up even better if this relationship were to end.
Fear is much greater when we feel that 'all our eggs are in one basket'. Don't build your whole life around any one person.
“How can I live without you?” is too daunting – really imagine how you would, if you had to, live without this person.
But don't leave this list lying around to be found by your partner, as this may start them feeling insecure. :-/
4) Don't – just don't – play games
Jealousy is excruciatingly uncomfortable. People sometimes try to make themselves feel better by trying to get their partner jealous. Don't do this.
Flirting with other men or women all the time in front of your partner; constantly saying how attractive, fun, and witty someone you work with is; and going your way to talk about past lovers just demeans you and won't make either of you feel better in the long run.
This isn't to say you have to pretend that no other attractive people exist in the world, but you can acknowledge this without using it as relationship ammunition.If your partner is ever unfaithful to you, that is a reflection of them, not you; and if this were to occur, it's better that they don't have the 'ammo' to turn around and say: “Well, you were always talking about…
” or “Can you blame me? Because you were always flirting outrageously with the auto repair man (girl who works in the bar)…” Keep your dignity long-term and ditch the game playing.
5) Stop confusing make-believe with reality
Jealousy, many psychological problems (from hypochondria to paranoia), is driven by the destructive use of the imagination. The imagination is great…if you use it for your own benefit, not if it messes with your mind. Stephen King has a stellar career from making stuff up and writing about it.
But he distances himself (thankfully for him!) from stuff he creates in his head. He doesn't believe everything he writes is real just because he imagined it. Right now, I can imagine an alien invasion headed right towards Earth.
I can vividly 'see' the pesky aliens about to land the mother ship in my local park, but I don't believe it.
Stop trusting your imagination so much. Think about it:
- Your partner is home later than you thought they were going to be.
- You start to imagine them having an intimate drink with that handsome guy you saw working in her office or that luscious sister of his new gym partner you happened to see one time.
- You become angry, upset, frightened – without having any evidence that what you imagined is real.
- They come home and you react 'weirdly' by being very cold or you have an outburst of anger toward them.
- They become defensive and angry back in turn.
I recall seeing a video of a dog becoming very angry – with its own leg. The more its leg moved, the angrier it got with it – not realizing that it, the dog, was moving the leg. We laugh when we see a dog do this, but psychologically people do a variation of this all the time.
When you stop getting emotional just because you've imagined something, you'll take a hefty step toward regaining control of that jealousy.
6) Lengthen the leash
Okay, since we're talking canines, here's another dog reference. Start relaxing with lengthening the 'leash'. If your partner wants to spend the weekend with his or her friends, let them. Keeping them 'imprisoned' will only build their desire to escape your possessiveness.
Let them have their freedom (and no, this is not the same as letting them walk all over you). If you are out with them, let them chat to their attractive colleague (bearing in mind that they may not find their colleague as attractive as you imagine).
If you suspect your partner is trying to make you jealous, then short circuit this by relaxing about it; but how?
7) Use your imagination to make you feel better, not worse
Try this exercise:
Close your eyes and relax. Now think about the type of scenario that makes you the most jealous. Is it knowing your partner is out and you imagining them with someone else? Is it seeing them talking and laughing with someone else?
Now, breathing deeply and focusing on relaxing different parts of your body in turn, just imagine seeing yourself looking calm, relaxed, even disinterested in that type of situation.
Because ultimately in life we only have ourselves to answer to, and you can only truly control yourself. Visualize your partner doing all the things that made you feel jealous and see yourself not responding with jealousy, but rather with calm detachment.
The more you can do this, the less jealousy will be able to mess with you.
To get a flavour of this, click on this free audio session, relax, and listen.
It might sound strange to say that jealousy is more about self-love than real love for another person, but jealousy does make us focus more on our own feelings than the feelings of the other person. Overcoming jealousy isn't about making your partner face the wall in restaurants or trying to prevent them ever looking at anyone else; it has to be about you managing your own emotions.
I worked with Kevin hypnotically; worked with his traumatic memories of having been cheated on by someone who wasn't Katherine and, bit by bit, got him to lengthen the leash. Now, I'm happy to say, his beautiful fiancée sits with her back to the wall at restaurants because, as Kevin says: “Why deny other men the chance to admire a beautiful face.”
Do you think you're driving your partner away but can't seem to stop?
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4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships
“Distance means so little when someone means so much.” ~Unknown
People tend to think long-distance relationships are one of the hardest possible ways of loving someone. I live in one: As a young European, I am deeply in love with my African boyfriend who pursues his career in Asia.
I met my love about two years ago. After dating for a few months and sharing a wonderful time in an Asian country, we split up, as he had many doubts about things that seemed to separate us. At this point in time, our differences seemed to be too wide to merge them into a happy, long-lasting life together.
This period was very painful for both of us. After one year—when I had already returned to my home country—he approached me again, explaining how wrong he was, and asking for a second chance.
I didn’t know what this implied, but my heart was saying wholeheartedly yes as I was confident the differences weren’t stronger than our love. My heart felt embedded in his, and I still loved him deeply.
So we started fresh again—this time with an extreme distance between us.
The first months felt easy, as the bliss of being back together melted the distance away. Even though different time zones and tight budgets influenced our ways of communication, it only mattered that we had found our way back to each other.
We missed each other dearly; but there was a certain peace with the reality. I could feel him being on the other side, thinking of me and being in love with me. This was all I could ask for.
However, I knew this serenity would come and go; frustration could kick in eventually and challenge us. Around one year and two visits later, the downsides of the distance did indeed knock me off. I missed my boyfriend during days and nights, and fear crept in.
What if this would lead us only to a big disappointment?
My mind dug through tons of questions and my world felt not as open and wide anymore. We knew we would need to deal with lots of issues if we wanted to be together—ambitious career paths and different work/life-balances, immigration papers, money, languages, intercultural differences, a worried family on my side.
It‘s not easy to keep up with the constant uncertainty of the future, and I often feel tired of external factors that hinder us.But it has also dawned on me that I can’t make myself the victim of circumstances. We need to keep putting our heads up high and take the distance as our current external state that shapes us but will change eventually.
I don’t deny we live on two different continents, and can‘t have breakfasts in bed or spontaneous weekend trips to the sea. But I always wished for a wonderful man with a beautiful character who loves me for who I am. Now I got my wish—just totally my comfort zone.
I’ve learned some lessons along the way—and they may help even if you’re not in a long-distance relationship:
It‘s important that you speak, listen, write, fight, and laugh with your partner about everything that’s meaningful to you. I use different channels for communication, and surprise my honey from time to time with a postcard, a colorful photo, or an unexpected call.
We don‘t hear from each other every day; sometimes we can‘t Skype for days due to clashing schedules or bad Internet connections. This is annoying but okay.
We remember to respect the other person‘s schedule and space; we don‘t expect the other one to be available all the time. I think it’s important to keep it light to a certain degree so that there’s no need of constant (virtual) presence that would be draining at some point.
Also, I feel much better after sharing my struggles with my boyfriend; it’s a way of being honest and authentic. Make yourself a team in this. If you take on challenges together, it’s easier to handle the physical distance, and you get closer and surely learn a lot about each other.
Even if you aren’t miles apart, you want to find the right balance of interaction, and spice up communication with surprises here and there. You want to handle challenges as a team and become closer through them.
2. Challenge your doubts.
I can‘t make the distance define my feelings for him. It is what it is, and we can only do our best today in loving each other, and work toward a life together with patience and faith.
Distance doesn‘t kill love; doubts do. Therefore I give my best in choosing love over doubt.
Sometimes I’m not strong enough and let fear creep in. Then I share my frustration with him, talk to a close friend, or do something uplifting just for myself.Then the feeling of love comes back on its own and laughs gently on my worried mind.
Every relationship faces challenges, and doubts may plague us sometimes. It’s our mind that causes doubts, so we’re the ones who can choose to take on a different perspective.
I’m not suggesting oppressing worries (that may be reasonable in unhealthy relationships), but I’d to encourage you to choose a positive outlook when it’s healthy, instead of blocking yourself with limiting thoughts or labels.
3. Become clear about who you are and what you want.
If you love whole-heartedly it’s easy to put the other one on a pedestal and treat him/her a superhero.
In a long-distance relationship it may even take more time to realize the other one is just as human as you.
Keep learning from each other, and don’t be afraid of discovering the flaws or challenges the other one may have. Try to first see what it is in you that makes you irritated, and exchange thoughts about it calmly and respectfully.
Always keep curious and ask lots of questions. Be willing to open up just as much.
Also, talk about where you want to head together and how you want to live. It’s important to create a vision together to know you’re on the same page.
As long as you respect and love your partner, you will always find a way to deal mindfully with conflict and disagreement.
4. Spend quality time together.
You don‘t need to talk every day. Just make sure the time with each other is well spent. Laugh a lot.
Try to treat the distance as a friend, not an enemy. Be creative, play with the technical possibilities—celebrate occasionally with a dinner on Skype, watch a movie via shared screen, or dance to some good music. Your joy about sharing those day-to-day things may be very high, as you do not take them for granted.
Visit each other as often as you can, and spend time just the way you want. Save up money for visits, split costs, and plan activities you want to do together. This is crucial for you as a couple, and it refuels the batteries.Even if you see your loved one often, you still need to consciously choose to spend quality time together.
I’ve learned that physical distance does not equal emotional distance, and there is so much to explore. It’s really what you make it.
The point is to not deny the hard parts, but also to not feel paralyzed by them.
These are just a few ways to find strength and happiness in a committed long-distance relationship. What’s your biggest love challenge, and how do you overcome it?
Photo by garryknight
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