For Wisdom In My Relationship With My Boyfriend
My Boyfriend hates me what should i do?
We all end up in tiffs with those closest to us, such as family, friends and boyfriends. Sometimes we are to blame, sometimes they are.
The important thing is to figure out what happened and how to resolve it.
Below you will find some reasons why your boyfriend might have come to hate you for certain things (though he still loves you for others or he wouldn’t be with you) and what you can do about it.
Maybe you broke up with someone else recently and is still processing it. Maybe you have a tendency to compare the now with the “then” without even realizing it. Maybe you have a great relationship with your ex and still talk to him on the phone every day as his friend.
Whatever it may be, if you bring up your ex, your current boyfriend can start feeling inferior to him.
Whilst you don’t see it that way and therefore don’t understand why your boyfriend is upset, try to refrain from talking about your ex for a while.
Also make it clear that whilst you might still be processing a past relationships, or be friends with your ex, it’s not him you want. You want the man standing right in front of you.
You Keep Putting Him Down
We are all guilty of putting our boyfriend down at some point or another – whether we joke about his poor cooking skills, or compare his abs to those of Chris Hemsworth, there comes a time when we say something offensive, even if it was just in jest.
Sometimes we get a habit of doing this too much. Maybe we think we’re just having a laugh. Maybe all the other girlies are joking about their men too in front of them. Maybe you sarcasm. The truth is still that your man wants to be appreciated.
Especially in front of others.
You Take Him for Granted
There was a time when you ran home from work to see your man, came up with exquisite date nights, cooked for him, gave him massages and dressed up from head to toe to try to impress him.
Nowadays you have so much on your mind with your career, your social life has exploded, your family needs you and you tend to see your boyfriend a bit here and there when time allows. In other words, you’ve started taking your boyfriend for granted.
You love each other, so there’s no need to do anything for the relationship, is there? Of course there is! For anything to be good it has to grow and develop.
You’re Always There
Just as annoying as never being there and taking him for granted, is always being there. He needs time for his hobbies, his friends and his family. Without you there. People need space to be themselves. You fell in love with him for who he was and the life he led, so don’t try to take that away from him by being everywhere. He needs time to miss you.
You Control Everything
You book his dentist appointments, you make sure he remembers his mother’s birthday, you choose his clothes for work, you insist his birthday is celebrated the way you want it to be celebrated and you pick the furniture at home. The only thing is, he’s an individual. If you remove the individual there’s nothing left. Sooner or later he will ly come to hate you for it as well, as people want to be loved for who they are, not who you want them to be.
You Don’t Need Him
As couples we should complement each other; help balance each other. However, some women have gotten it into their heads that if they show any sign of needing their man to do anything for them, they’re inferior. If they can’t reach the thing on the top shelf, they climb a ladder. If they can’t open something, they use forceps.
If their bags are heavy, they get a trolley. If they get scared when watching a horror movie, they turn on the light. Because low and behold they can do that. It’s just, asking someone for help ever so often doesn’t undermine your ability. We get it, you can do anything. That doesn’t mean you have to.
Especially if there is someone next to you dying to show his manliness. He wants to give you his jacket when you are cold, even if he knows if you start jogging you will be fine. He wants to hold the door for you, even if he knows you are strong enough to hold it yourself. He wants to show he can do something for you.Even if he knows he doesn’t need to, as you are a strong independent woman, he just wants to spoil you when doing it and feel you appreciate him for it.
Just let him feel you need him. A little bit. So that he can feel he’s actually giving you something more than cuddles.
Here’s the thing, men think that they need to please you. If they aren’t sure whether they did or didn’t, they don’t know if you are truly happy with them and they start feeling unhappy with themselves. Tell him he’s a sex God. Just do it.
You Flirt with Everyone
If you are the catch, he will be so happy to have gotten you. If you shine when out at parties and men look twice as you go by, because you radiate confidence and warmth, he will feel such a stud. However, if you invite all the men to flirt with you when out, as opposed to showing him off to the world, well…he won’t be that happy, even if he’s the one you walk home with.
Show him off when you go out. Be proud to have him by your side. The prouder you are, the better he will feel.
He’s Just Grumpy
You feel your boyfriend hates you, but you don’t know why. You’ve tried all the above – you’re showering him in compliments, you show you need him, you take time out for him (whilst also having time for yourself), you let him run his life, you don’t talk about your ex and in general things seem fine, apart from that grumpiness. So what’s wrong? The best way to find out is to ask him.
You Ignore His Wishes
Whenever you ask what he thinks, you disregard what he says and go ahead with what you were planning to do anyway, without acknowledging his thoughts. You need to learn to compromise ever so often.
You Air Your Relationship with Everyone
If you tell everyone and their dog about your man and exactly what is going on in your relationship, he might end up a bit grumpy unless he’s as open about things as you are.
A relationship requires work and we often do things unintentionally that piss off other people, including our boyfriend. We need to learn to ask, as well as watch how he reacts to us to find out what works and what doesn’t.
Communication and relationships, anything else, is an art.
It’s not about pleasing someone constantly, but rather just as saying please and thank you, there are ways of doing things in a manner that’s respectful and where the other person feels appreciated.
What are Some Tips for Communicating with my Boyfriend?
Perhaps the biggest tip for communicating with your boyfriend is to acknowledge that people, especially men and women, do not always express themselves in the same way.
Once you understands this, you can use certain techniques to improve the way you communicate: keep conversations simple and short, alert your boyfriend when you need to vent, use body language well and incorporate “I” statements into conversations.
Other tips include giving your boyfriend plenty of time to answer, trying to see through his eyes and using his unique traits and interests to make points clearer. Complimenting him also can improve the communication situation, because it can make him feel more needed and capable, prompting him to talk openly.
Acknowledge Communication Differences
Men and woman often have different ways of expressing themselves. Women tend to want to explore a range of different feelings and opinions.
They usually see communication as an effective way of preventing issues and planning what to do next. By contrast, discussing many opinions and feelings can be difficult for men, who typically prefer to keep things simple.
They sometimes do not see communicating as necessary unless there is already the need to take action or fix a problem.
Due to the way that most men communicate, it’s typically helpful to keep conversations short and rational, addressing just one or two feelings or ideas at a time. This requires you to narrow down exactly what you want to say before a discussion happens, but it usually keeps a guy’s attention.
Give a Heads Up Before Venting
Most men are good problem solvers because of the way their brains are “wired.” This can get his partner a fix, but it also can make a boyfriend respond to venting the wrong way.
He might think that you are giving him an issue to resolve, when really you just wants to get feelings off of your chest.
To put a boyfriend more at ease, it’s a good idea to start the conversation with an honest disclaimer, such as “I don’t expect anybody to have a solution, but just talking about it will make me feel better.”
Speak With the Body
Communicating well in a romantic or other relationship requires that you pay close attention to your body language.
Facial and other body gestures can pass on a huge amount of meaning during a conversation, so one way to manipulate a conversation well or avoid conflict with a boyfriend is to control your movements.
If you sit with your arms crossed, for example, this conveys an unwillingness to listen or hear the other person out. By contrast, leaning forward and smiling can show an interest in what your boyfriend is saying.
Use “I” Language
Even though body language can speak louder than the actual words a person says, your boyfriend still is going to listen to your actual speech.
Psychologists long have recommended using “I” statements such as “I think” or “I feel that…” while communicating, because such statements generally do not put the listener on the defensive.
Avoiding “you” statements therefore might improve the effectiveness of your talks.
Give Time for Response
There is a huge difference between monologue and dialogue. In monologue, just one person talks, meaning two-way communication doesn’t happen. Getting your boyfriend to open up in a meaningful way, therefore, means that you can’t do all the talking.
Give your boyfriend time to react to what you’ve said.
This can be challenging, because even though some people to take time to formulate a concise, simple and clear answer, others react emotionally to the brief periods of silence and sometimes feel the need to fill them with more talking.
See from His Point of View
One trick that sometimes boosts communication in a relationship is for one partner to put himself or herself in the other's shoes.
If the guy has been spending a lot of extra time with his friends, for example, you might try to think about what those friends provide in terms of fun, relaxation and self-expression.
You then can couple your understanding with “I” statements, such as “I know spending time with your friends lets you get rid of stress, but I feel …”
Take Advantage of the Unique
Even though men display some general characteristics that are pretty similar, each man, just each woman, is highly individual. Your boyfriend has his own dreams, philosophies, experiences, fears and preferences.
Incorporating these things into the communication approach can make him more responsive.
If your boyfriend is into video games, for instance, your might try using an analogy using a specific game to describe a situation, problem or feeling.
Many men are naturally competitive to some degree, so complimenting your boyfriend can boost his ego, making him feel comfortable and needed. That can make him more willing to talk openly and really listen attentively.
7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships
“It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.”
“He's so jealous, I have to face the wall in restaurants!”
Kevin sat beside her, rather meekly.
“Mark, can you please make him understand that I love him,” Katherine continued. “I don't want anybody else. But his insane jealousy is going to tear us apart unless something changes.”
Kevin admitted that when they went out in public, he would insist she sit toward a wall so that she couldn't see (or be seen by) other potential attractive mates.
If he caught her chatting or joking with male neighbours or colleagues, he would assume right off she was having an affair.
She had stopped seeing a really good male friend she'd known since childhood and he'd “banned” her from chatting to a 70-year-old married man who lived next door. This was maddening.
His jealousy was all-encompassing; from attractive male movie stars to male teachers of her young children.
At first (before realizing how destructive it was to become), she'd been flattered by the intensity of his jealous attentions – after all, it showed he cared, right? But the constant anxiety, loss of her freedom, and sheer clinginess (he would text every half-hour if she went out with a girlfriend) were now torture to her and also to him.
Most people feel a little jealous sometimes, especially when they have strong feelings of attraction and love for their partner, and a little jealousy occasionally can add zest to a relationship. But just as a spark can illuminate a room, a blaze can burn it to the ground. So what's behind jealousy?
What does jealousy in a relationship mean?
At the root of jealousy lies fear of loss. many jealous partners, Kevin feared loss of their relationship, loss of self-respect, even loss of 'face' fearing how his friends would see him if he were to be 'made a fool of'. Fear makes for feelings of insecurity.
When fear lessens, so does jealousy. More than feelings of fear, jealousy also leads to a smorgasbord of other emotions such as anger, hate of love 'rivals', disgust (sometimes self-disgust), and hopelessness.
So why might a person be jealous? Kevin's ex-wife had cheated on him and he felt he'd never got over this. 'Once bitten, twice shy', he was now creating imaginary threats. We're told it's great to have 'a good imagination', but he was using his to torment himself.Of course, if your partner is continually sexually active with other people, then jealousy is totally justified. And perhaps the whole relationship needs to be re-evaluated.
But here I want to focus on helping you if you feel unduly jealous (that's to say, there is no real or proper evidence that your partner is or has been unfaithful to you). These tips also focus on sexual jealousy rather than, say, being jealous of the amount of time your partner spends with their mother or kids.
So how can we start to break the jealousy cycle, reclaim self-control, and stop driving our partners and ourselves crazy?
1) It may sound trite, but how about you believe your partner?
Yes, take them at their word. If they do lie to you, then they are not making a fool anyone but themselves – remember that. It's been said that trust is the cornerstone of any relationship.
It's very insulting for your partner to have you always doubting their word or decency of behaviour. Constant questioning by you can even be as destructive as having an affair in the long run.
You'll still distrust your partner for a while ( sheer habit), but find the strength to start acting as if you believe them. If you've been checking that they really were where they said they've been, then stop doing that. When they tell you they love you, believe them.
2) Easier said than done, but stop comparing yourself to others
Some (not all) jealousy is driven by low self-esteem. “How could they love me? I don't understand how someone them could be attracted to someone me!” We none of us are supposed to understand exactly why someone loves us. Does the Mona Lisa painting know why it is so valuable? Of course, you may be able to appreciate attractive qualities in yourself, but consider this:
There are better looking, richer, funnier, smarter, younger people around than just about all of us, but these are qualities of a 'product'.
If he or she loves you, it will be because of an extra, indefinable quality you have that they couldn't even explain – some deep part of your humanity they connected to which transcends looks, youth, wealth, and so forth.
Some of the most loved people in history have been well down the list when it comes to looks or wealth. Stop trying to 'work out' why they can possibly you.
3) It might be a terrible thought, but be prepared to lose them
I said that not all jealousy is driven by low self-esteem; and that's right. People with quite high self-esteem can experience intense jealousy if they tend to feel they themselves must always be the centre of things.
People this tend to look at other people as material property. And maybe they just don't want to share that 'property', even as far as letting their partner innocently smile or socialize with another person.
Perhaps as a kid they were a little spoilt.
But people are not objects or toys to be constantly guarded. To love someone properly, we need to be prepared to lose them. What? Am I mad? Sounds it, you might think (and I do have my moments), but hear me out.Anger, fear, and jealousy drive out love; and love needs a strong dash of fearlessness to flourish.
Okay, so you fear losing your loved one to someone else (and possibly fear how this will make you feel about yourself).
If you must keep using your imagination, use it to imagine the 'worst' happening and you still being okay; not just surviving, but thriving in this imagined scenario.
Fantasize about how well you'd react, how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Write down 10 positive ways you'd to respond and how you'd build your life up even better if this relationship were to end.
Fear is much greater when we feel that 'all our eggs are in one basket'. Don't build your whole life around any one person.
“How can I live without you?” is too daunting – really imagine how you would, if you had to, live without this person.
But don't leave this list lying around to be found by your partner, as this may start them feeling insecure. :-/
4) Don't – just don't – play games
Jealousy is excruciatingly uncomfortable. People sometimes try to make themselves feel better by trying to get their partner jealous. Don't do this.
Flirting with other men or women all the time in front of your partner; constantly saying how attractive, fun, and witty someone you work with is; and going your way to talk about past lovers just demeans you and won't make either of you feel better in the long run.
This isn't to say you have to pretend that no other attractive people exist in the world, but you can acknowledge this without using it as relationship ammunition.If your partner is ever unfaithful to you, that is a reflection of them, not you; and if this were to occur, it's better that they don't have the 'ammo' to turn around and say: “Well, you were always talking about…
” or “Can you blame me? Because you were always flirting outrageously with the auto repair man (girl who works in the bar)…” Keep your dignity long-term and ditch the game playing.
5) Stop confusing make-believe with reality
Jealousy, many psychological problems (from hypochondria to paranoia), is driven by the destructive use of the imagination. The imagination is great…if you use it for your own benefit, not if it messes with your mind. Stephen King has a stellar career from making stuff up and writing about it.
But he distances himself (thankfully for him!) from stuff he creates in his head. He doesn't believe everything he writes is real just because he imagined it. Right now, I can imagine an alien invasion headed right towards Earth.
I can vividly 'see' the pesky aliens about to land the mother ship in my local park, but I don't believe it.
Stop trusting your imagination so much. Think about it:
- Your partner is home later than you thought they were going to be.
- You start to imagine them having an intimate drink with that handsome guy you saw working in her office or that luscious sister of his new gym partner you happened to see one time.
- You become angry, upset, frightened – without having any evidence that what you imagined is real.
- They come home and you react 'weirdly' by being very cold or you have an outburst of anger toward them.
- They become defensive and angry back in turn.
I recall seeing a video of a dog becoming very angry – with its own leg. The more its leg moved, the angrier it got with it – not realizing that it, the dog, was moving the leg. We laugh when we see a dog do this, but psychologically people do a variation of this all the time.
When you stop getting emotional just because you've imagined something, you'll take a hefty step toward regaining control of that jealousy.
6) Lengthen the leash
Okay, since we're talking canines, here's another dog reference. Start relaxing with lengthening the 'leash'. If your partner wants to spend the weekend with his or her friends, let them. Keeping them 'imprisoned' will only build their desire to escape your possessiveness.
Let them have their freedom (and no, this is not the same as letting them walk all over you). If you are out with them, let them chat to their attractive colleague (bearing in mind that they may not find their colleague as attractive as you imagine).
If you suspect your partner is trying to make you jealous, then short circuit this by relaxing about it; but how?
7) Use your imagination to make you feel better, not worse
Try this exercise:
Close your eyes and relax. Now think about the type of scenario that makes you the most jealous. Is it knowing your partner is out and you imagining them with someone else? Is it seeing them talking and laughing with someone else?
Now, breathing deeply and focusing on relaxing different parts of your body in turn, just imagine seeing yourself looking calm, relaxed, even disinterested in that type of situation.
Because ultimately in life we only have ourselves to answer to, and you can only truly control yourself. Visualize your partner doing all the things that made you feel jealous and see yourself not responding with jealousy, but rather with calm detachment.
The more you can do this, the less jealousy will be able to mess with you.
To get a flavour of this, click on this free audio session, relax, and listen.
It might sound strange to say that jealousy is more about self-love than real love for another person, but jealousy does make us focus more on our own feelings than the feelings of the other person. Overcoming jealousy isn't about making your partner face the wall in restaurants or trying to prevent them ever looking at anyone else; it has to be about you managing your own emotions.
I worked with Kevin hypnotically; worked with his traumatic memories of having been cheated on by someone who wasn't Katherine and, bit by bit, got him to lengthen the leash. Now, I'm happy to say, his beautiful fiancée sits with her back to the wall at restaurants because, as Kevin says: “Why deny other men the chance to admire a beautiful face.”
Do you think you're driving your partner away but can't seem to stop?
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