To Change My Relationship With My Spouse

If I Change Me, Will my Spouse Really Change?

Marriage isn’t always easy. We come into a relationship with certain expectations and can be disappointed with reality.

Marriage reveals our weaknesses, and I have learned that the best thing to do to try and fix your relationship is to work on yourself. I talked about this concept more when I wrote, “This One Tip Will Transform Your Marriage.

” The questions still remains, “If I change me, will my spouse really change?” The short answer? There’s no guarantee.

I’m guessing that’s not the answer you want to hear. I know I don’t want to hear it either. Movies “Courageous” and “War Room” are fabulous for encouraging positive steps in marriage.

I absolutely believe that making steps to change how you interact with your spouse can make huge impacts on your marriage and often result in positive changes in your spouse. I believe God is big and through prayer great walls can be broken and relationships can be healed.

Reconciliation is more ly as you take action toward respecting or loving your spouse, meeting their unique love language and having a servant’s heart.

That said, there is no guarantee. Your spouse has free will – just as you do. Your spouse is sinful – just as you are. Sometimes we all wish it were easier.

We live in a broken and sinful world where you will face strife, conflict and hardships.

I believe the prosperity message that can be promoted in Christian circles isn’t a healthy one. The message of Christianity isn’t that life becomes some sweet walk in the park when we choose to do it God’s way.

The idea of faith is more that we have a God that suffered for us. He has been broken, so He understands our pain. He has the strength, power and empathy to walk through it with us and give us guidance along the way.

The Bible doesn’t teach that be will be void of hardship. There are no promises of a pain free life. Some find great disappointment in promises they thought were being promoted. “If I just stay pure until I’m married, I’ll be blessed in my experience with sex.” False.

“If I just stay faithful, God will bring me a husband.” False. “If I just pray enough, God will bring me a child.” False. “If I just follow certain steps while raising my kids, they will be successful.” False. “If I just change myself, my marriage will change.” False.

This is what the Bible does teach about hardship?

• “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” – Romans 5:3-5
• “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, ‘For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:35-39
• “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Cor. 12:9-10
• “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” – 1 Peter 4:12-13

We are obviously ensured that we will face hard times. Why do it God’s way then if there’s not guarantee of better circumstances? God assures us, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28. ALL THINGS. That means the hard things too.

How do we respond to the “bad” news that our spouse may never change?

From my limited perspective, I see this as bad news. I’m not one who loves to embrace the trials in life. I love it when things are running smoothly. My response to the challenges of life is something I constantly need to work on. Trying to rejoice in my suffering so that perseverance, character and hope can be built in me is the goal.

I believe people often enter into the concept of improving themselves for their marriage sake are short sighted on what that means. We do it hoping for change in the other person. When we don’t see the change we anticipated, we just want to give up. “Well, I tried my best. He didn’t change. I’m out.”

You made a promise – “through good times and bad.” Of course, if there is abuse, I always advise to get help and protect you and your children immediately, so this is not the situation I am addressing today.

You may be asking, “Jodi, are you really asking me to stay miserable? Do you want me to remain unhappy for the rest of my life?”

The answer to that question is also no. I don’t wish for you to remain unhappy and miserable, but the solution I’m suggesting requires you to stick around in your marriage.

What I want for you is to erase away the Hollywood message from Jerry McGuire aimed at your spouse, “You complete me.” I want to propose that you be completed by your Maker. Your spouse can’t make you happy but God can.

 Your circumstances don’t take away the misery but God does.

Just look at the brokenness that can be found in the “successful” individuals known to the public.

You see people who seem to  have it all – fame, fortune, family, and success  – throw it down the tubes with addictions, suicide, and divorce.

It is said we have a vacuum shaped hole that can only be filled by Jesus. Are you trying to force your spouse into that space? Are you relying on your marriage to bring you joy.

The thing that needs to change (and I’m preaching to myself here) is ones response to adversity.

Ugh. Not what I wanted to hear either. Trust me.

There needs to be a radical shift in my attitude. I need to learn to love without complaint. Love is choosing the best for the other person…over and over again.

I love well not because I am going to get something in return but because that’s what I promised to do, and that is what glorifies God. I want to walk away with the attitude, “My husband has not changed, but I have changed.

I’m glad my difficult circumstances didn’t change because it was the only way my motives for obedience could change.”

We live in a “self” culture that emphasizes a desire for recognition and inevitable rights. We can forget that our attitude should be Christ – humble with a heart to serve (Philippians 2:5-9). I’m not proposing it’s easy, but it is what we signed up for when we walked down the aisle and slipped a ring on the other person’s finger.

Elisabeth Elliot is a woman who had a husband killed by the tribe of people he was trying to tell about Jesus. She had enough grace, forgiveness and courage to return to that village and lead them to a relationship with Christ.

In a talk found here about servanthood, she recalls her house mother in college who was kicked her wealthy family, leaving behind all money and inheritance because she decided to be a Christian.

When Elisabeth was talking to her later in life about the impression made on her because of the way this older woman served she replied, “Just think about the Mercy of God that he allowed me to carry mops and toilet paper to his glory.

” She speaks of Jesus who, being in the very nature God, made himself a servant to others, and the Bible urges us to have the same attitude.

” Am I accepting the will of God in the daily moments that I find myself in throughout life? I know I am often not, but it’s what I am aim for.

It is choosing the right thing in the moment, not for recognition or change of another person, but because it’s right. It’s refining me. It’s glorifying to God.

In the end you say, “My spouse never changed, but I changed. Praise be to God.”

It is not easy. I know many of you are sitting here saying, “You have no idea what I have to put up with.” I agree. I do not. I have seem some really nasty marriage situations. However, I have seen a lot of hope. I have seen couples healed. I’ve seen one person decide to make a change and the other spouse making dramatic change in behavior.

However, I have also witnessed many people in life whose situations do not change. They have become transformed as an individual, not waiting for life circumstances to become better but knowing that God can take all things and turn them into good. They let their hearts and attitude to be overhauled. That’s what I want. Will you join me?

More Marriage Posts You Might Enjoy

This One Tip Will Transform Your Marriage

You are Responsible for How You Respond

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Источник: //meaningfulmama.com/if-i-change-me-will-my-spouse-really-change.html

I Feel Trapped in My Marriage or Relationship

When your partner won’t cooperate in improving your relationship you may feel trapped and hopeless. As a relationship coach who helps people with this situation every day, I can tell you there is hope. Mult-step plans that are under your control can re-create a happy relationship. 

You can become happy again without leaving your spouse. Multi-step plans are the key.

When people have these two beliefs at the same time–“I should stay,” and “It is risky to leave”, it can really cement them in the relationship even though they do nothing to improve it.

This creates a “stable, negative relationship” that can last for years, creating a legacy of regrets and lost time that can never be regained. To be happy, we need to avoid future regrets.

And, we can do that without leaving our marriage or relationships.

How I help people to save their relationships when they feel hopeless

People tend to think that there are only two choices when they are in an unhappy relationship. To leave the relationship or to just be stuck and hopeless.

The reason they come to that place is because they have tried everything they know to make their relationship better. They try this, and they try that.

With all the conflicting information around, it is not surprising.

Just because you don’t know how to make your relationship better, doesn’t mean that it can’t be. Most of the people I work with have no idea how to make their relationships better. But, by the end of their first session, we have a plan. building a house, building (or rebuilding) a relationship requires multi-step plans.

Example one step plan:

I asked my spouse to spend time with me. He won’t. So, that’s it.

Example multi-step plan:

1. Stop any behaviors critical of your spouse.
2. Develop similar interests to those of your spouse.
3. Become a more attractive person.
4. Use good connection skills with your spouse.

5. Use boundaries for any remaining damaging behaviors your spouse is doing.

This is a typical set of steps for many damaged marriages. None of the steps require the participation of your spouse. They all require skills.

This is why if marriage counseling is not a good choice (focus on talking), relationship coaching (focus on skills) is. Notice that this plan starts with your behaviors, but ends by dealing with your spouse’s behaviors. Make sure if you work with a coach or buy a program, they don’t just focus on getting you to submit and be nice.

That will create some short term results, but leave you more hopeless in the end. Loving and good relationships have always required more than just being nice.

Internal conflict and not out partners, keep us trapped

The three motivational centers we have for any action are  reasoning, emotions, and beliefs. When all three of these line up, it is easier to take action.  When one of them does not match the others, it causes procrastination and internal conflict.

 Reasoning is that part of us that tries to figure out what is the most effective thing to do. You may reason, for example, that the best thing to do is to talk to your spouse about how you are not happy in your relationship.

However, you  may feel afraid to do that (emotions) because of the way your spouse has reacted before.  Or, you may not believe that it will do any good, your past experience.

The net result is that you may try to create a compromise between your reasoning, emotions, and beliefs and only complain to to your spouse a little. Or, it may simply result in more procrastination.  More feeling trapped.

Resolving internal conflict

Learning skills for improving your situation can help you to get your reasoning, emotions, and beliefs to line up. When that happens, you will no longer feel trapped in your marriage.

 I have helped many people with their beliefs by helping them to understand how having good boundaries is actually a loving thing to do, since it improve the relationship for both them and their spouses.

 And, I have helped them to get their emotions in line by helping them to imagine how they will feel if they don’t take action–if they simply continue to live as they are.  A good coach or counselor will help you with all three components, resulting in change that you may not have been able to do on your own.

Do you feel trapped because of limited options?

People who don’t see a way ten don’t believe there is a way out.  They have little or no experience resolving the kind of distance they have with their spouse and so see limited possibilities for change.  They have a hopelessness that is ignorance–an ignorance of how to change, and an ignorance of the possibilities for change.

It is precisely because of this that they don’t try to change and their relationship remains stable.  You may recognize this pattern in yourself and in your partner. Although you are unhappy and know that something has to be done, you just can’t bring yourself to take action.

  Maybe you had parents in this situation and you are just following a family pattern that you learned when you were young.  Maybe you fear that the only solution would be to divorce.  But, the simple truth is that every day thousands of couples are restoring life and vitality to their relationships by learning new skills for interacting with one another.

 Getting active prevents divorce; procrastination and the wait and hope method simply delay divorce.

How this relationship pattern typically ends

What normally gets people to leave a stable, negative pattern is crisis.  Crises demand action.  As much as someone might enjoy watching their favorite TV program, they will get up immediately if they know their house is on fire.

 When the danger of not taking action far outweighs the danger of taking action, that is the change point.  This often comes in a relationship when a partner has an affair or says they want a divorce.  Another common crisis is financial ruin that forces people to change their life style.

Terminal illness is another kind of crisis that has the power to break people their stable, negative patterns.  Many a crisis have actually saved marriages by forcing people to make changes.  I know because I have helped people to survive many.

 But what these people always tell me is that they wish they knew how to connect with their partners before the crisis happened.

Threatening to divorce your spouse is not a good way to change things

What is it about a crisis that motivates people to take action after years of inaction?  Fear.  Intense fear. Fear is the emotion that stops us from taking action, but when our inaction is what we fear (“If I don’t do something right now, my life or relationship will be over”), the result is action.

 This is why many spouses suddenly become willing to go to counseling after their partners have told them they are ending the marriage.

Before that point, no matter how much their husband or wife wanted to go to counseling, the relationship had not been perceived to be in danger of ending and so they were not motivated to action.

  Be this as it may, I do not recommend men or women use the threat of divorce as a tactic to get their partner to go to counseling.  This is because, if the relationship is already distant, instead of being scared into counseling, your partner may reject you or soon abandon you for someone else.

A safer way to not feel trapped in your marriage

You can get your emotions, reasoning, and beliefs all on the same page if your realistically assess your future.  Start by answering this question, “What do you see happening if you continue the way you are now, without changing?” Write down your answer, but don’t share it with your spouse.

 Following this, write down any details about what you imagine.

  If you imagine divorce, how far away is it?  If you imagine wasting your life, what will it feel when they see that your youth is gone and they can’t get it back?  What will you wish you had done instead?  When people clearly have that picture in their mind, they more easily choose to take action.

It is not negative thinking when it leads to positive action.  Anticipating future problems and preventing them are keys to being successful.  The old head-in-the-sand approach is not to be confused with being a positive thinker.  Positive thinkers have a plan.

Avoid regrets by getting to work on your relationship today

Here, I have presented two ways to get you a stable, negative relationship so you no longer need to feel trapped in your relationship. One is to wait for a crisis such as your partner leaving you or having an affair.

  Another is to mentally borrow a crisis from the future by making a very good prediction of what will happen if you don’t take action.  Bringing a future crisis into the present will line up your emotions, reasoning, and beliefs.

 You can then learn some of the most important skills for reconnecting with your spouse.

When will your spouse or significant other change?

Your partner will not change until you do. Until then, you are both ly to feel trapped. Remember, there is no crisis for him or her.  Trying to convince your partner of the need to work on your relationship will just lead to your giving up on working on your relationship.

  Work on yourself first by seeing what will most certainly happen if you don’t. Most of the people who work with me do so after agonizing for years with a struggling marriage.  They then experience significant marriage improvement within three months.

  Their biggest regret is not getting help with their relationship sooner.  Will you be most people and struggle for years before learning how to make your relationship better.

Источник: //coachjackito.com/blog/i-feel-trapped-in-my-marriage-or-relationship/

Memorable Moments with My Sibling , Sample of Essays

A relationship with a sibling is everlasting: last longer than the bond with a spouse, parent, or friend. Have you ever thought about the times you have spent with your siblings? Those are memorable moments that I would always cherish.

The bond with my sibling taught me many lessons in life. My childhood relationship with my sibling has changed since I became an adult. The communication and the people we associate with had changed between us.

During any oppression we had gone through, our love still remains the same.

Since adolescence my younger sister, Genesis, and I were inseparable. We were the cartoon characters Tom and Jerry. Genesis used to tell me everything; I was her secret diary.

For example, Genesis would come home to our two bedroom apartment from Attucks Middle school and used to tell me how wonderful or miserable her day went. When she had a delightful day coming home would be satisfying and a little annoying for me.

She would tell me how stunning a boy was in her class and was disturbing for me.

I didn’t want to hear about her Prince Charming. However, you could tell when she had a dreadful day, she would come home slamming the front door and leaving an echo in the vague hallway. She would run to our cluttered room and jump on her twin size bed.

Walking towards her I could hear her calling my name “Eric”. I said “Genesis are you feeling ok, what’s wrong? ” Genesis said “There is a boy in my math class calling me a nerd. ” I would then comfort her by giving her a hug and tell her not to worry.

The Essay on Day Home Child Son

… seen him grow further away from me. Every day when he gets home he goes to his room without talking to me … have always said to him every time he comes home, how was your day Miguel? He would always say, it was ok … to pass the class. I was with him every day when he got home, helping him to study and memorize the story …

You know what they call nerds in the future? Boss! ” I said. Genesis always felt safe around me I was there to protect her from any harm a father figure. However, I joined the United States Army; our molded relationship became more distant.

I would only see her physically when important events occurred. For instance, I saw her three months after I graduated from basic training in Fort Jackson, South Carolina.

Communicating through Skype and the six hours difference between Germany and Florida makes it difficult to talk my sister.

Our daily conversation about are experiences since we were younger became weekly or monthly as we matured. Overall, age and the distance between us had caused our connection to fade.

When I was younger I used to consider Genesis annoying, because of her eager desire to hang out with my friends living around Coolidge Street, Florida. For example, when I got invited to house parties, Genesis assumed she was automatically invited.

Of course she was wrong; a house full of 18 year old teenagers partying had no business interacting with a 14 year old girl.

As I got older Genesis became a young adult; the age difference didn’t seem to matter anymore. Now that Genesis became mentally matured, she is acceptable to be in my group of friends.

In brief, since my sister and I share common friends, we socialize more than the past.

The love between my sister and I will remain the same. Even through any tribulation that had occurred toward us, we would always be there for each other.

For example, my sister would try to hide the fact that she had a fear of crossing the road every morning to the bus stop; I had an intuition that she was, so every morning at 5 o’clock I would walk my sister five blocks and cross the street with her to the bus stop, sacrificing two hours of my sleep to ensure that she would arrive safely and according to schedule.

Genesis is currently nineteen years old, she had two car accidents and is going through some hardships because she is unemployed and her insurance bill went up. I manage to help her financially until she’s on her feet.

Vice versa she also helps motivate me with her encouraging words and accomplishments. She graduated top ten percent of her graduating class and did early admissions while in high school.

I was discouraged to enroll into University of Maryland University College while being in the military; by her achievements I was inspired to enroll into UMUC and take a writing 101s course.

The Essay on Florida History Palmetto Leaves By Harriet Beecher Stowe

… to travel south each winter. The Stowes arrived in Florida nearly twenty years ahead of Henry Flagler. Harriet, her brother Charles Beecher … of family with clearly expressed puritanical strictness.

She had one sister and six brothers. Her father, Lyman Beecher, was a … When Stowe was eleven years old, she entered the seminary at Hartford, Connecticut, kept by her elder sister Catherine. The school had …

As you can see, during any discomfort Genesis and I will go through, we will always take care of each other. In conclusion, since childhood my relationship with my sister has changed, our communication had faded over time.

Some of the friends we spend time with, are the same. When we had gone through any problems, we would help each other. Why is our bond so strong? We had been there for each other our whole life.

Even the distance between us, would never break our love for one another.

Источник: //educheer.com/memorable-moments-with-my-sibling/

Changing You, Changing Relationships

When I was anxiously getting ready to make the big move abroad, I often heard people say to me with wide eyes and certainty “This experience is going to change you.

” The fact that moving my whole life to another part of the world could result in a change in who I was, was a given to me from day one.

Though one thing I had never really thought about was how moving abroad was going to change my relationships with my family and friends, how they see me, nor how they too would change due to the simple natural progression of life.

Distance and How to Make It Work

Any type of a move and change can put a strain on a relationship, regardless of whether it’s a romantic, familial, or purely platonic relationship. And moving to another part of the world puts that even more to the test.

One has to get used to the idea that someone who was once just a hop and a skip away will no longer be capable of being there in a flash.

This can take a lot of getting used to, and for some people, as time goes on, sometimes the distance is just too much.

With modern technology it is certainly easier than ever to remain in contact through social networking sites, smartphone applications, or even the old fashioned email, snail mail or a telephone call.

What distance does is test the strength and adaptability of a relationship, and teach you to adapt, deal and even thrive in this new type of relationship.

It is not always easy, but it is a very doable task when two people are willing to put the effort into maintaining and developing a relationship and learn to embrace the changes. Often times I have even found that distance and change can be a very positive thing and make certain relationships even stronger and evolve in a way they never could have if I hadn’t been abroad.

Other Determining Factors

Still though, despite all of these technological advances I have found that some of my relationships have changed for the worse over the years since I have been abroad, and I have often found that distance wasn’t to blame, but rather sometimes people just grow in different ways.

Being abroad, your friends might simply not understand your lifestyle choices or why you can’t just settle down and live a “normal life”. They can no longer support something which they cannot and do not want to understand.

There have often been times when I have felt rather down about how my relationships with some friends from childhood and college have seemed to be falling apart. We were simply veering off onto our own separate paths.

But then one evening, a friend and I got on the subject of our relationships with people, and how they have changed. My friend said something that put everything into perspective: “We aren’t meant to bring everyone along with us. Some people stay, some people go. It’s neither good nor bad.

It’s just what it is. And we shouldn’t feel bad about it.” That was rather reassuring to me and helped me rid myself of some of my lost relationship sadness.

We have so many people who come into our lives, who are just in our lives for a certain period of time, and this may have been a time we greatly enjoyed. But sometimes in life, as time goes on, people grow apart and there is no longer a common ground.

When people try to work things out, but no longer fit into one another’s lives anymore, it’s much better to let go with grace instead of forcing something that is no longer meant to be. This in turn allows for more opportunities for other people to come into your lives, which makes everyone happier.

How to Deal with a Changing Relationship

The one constant and stable thing we can be sure of in life is change.  People change and therefore their relationships change with them. Humans are dynamic creatures that are constantly evolving, leading to different needs and wants and a differing role that people play in them.

One thing we need to be sure of is that we surround ourselves with positive people who support our lifestyle choices, no matter what they are or where in the world they lead us. I always feel that truly good relationships find a way through the trials they get put through.

And even if people don’t get along at some point in time, or your lives have gone in different directions, there is no reason why at a later point in time, it might not simply come together again.

None of us are perfect and we have to be able to accept one another’s faults and differences and be willing to put in the effort to keep worthwhile relationships healthy and striving.

If you are an InterNations member and would to contribute an article, do not hesitate to contact us!

Источник: //www.internations.org/guide/global/changing-you-changing-relationships-17469

What NOT to do when you’re having relationship problems

I could go on and on about what you should or shouldn’t do with your partner when you are having relationship problems.

Today I’ll be discussing one critical thing not to do that doesn’t involve your partner when you’re having relationship problems.

Spoiler alert:

It’s not cheating or going on a bender, though I would advise against those two actions as well.

What I’ll be discussing is all too common and can cause big problems for you and your partner down the road if you engage in it.  Even though it’s tempting and it helps you feel better, it can be highly dangerous to your relationship.

What I’m referring to is talking about your relationship problems to your friends and family.  

In other words, if you are in a serious relationship or are married and you want things to work out despite your difficulties, my advice is to keep your foot in your mouth.

Being that I’ve worked for years as a therapist and coach and am clearly a supporter of people talking about their problems, you may be surprised as to why I’m telling you to keep your mouth shut.

Here’s the deal:

Your friends and family are hopefully big supporters of you.  They care about you more than anything and they only want the best for you.  As soon as you start shit talking your relationship, you have made enemies for your partner.

They will have serious problems with whoever isn’t treating their daughter, sister or best friend the queen she is. Then, when all is better between you and your partner, you’ll have a big pile of crap to clean up.  And you might not be able to.

Do you really want that?

Probably not.

Even worse, if your partner learns that you’ve done some talking about them to your loved ones, you’ll have to deal with even more grief.

I’ve seen it happen many times, and trust me, it can get ugly.

Your relationship is going to go through ups and downs

They all do.  In the words of an Elvis Presley song, “True love travels on a gravel road.” 

But to keep your bond sacred and strong as it should be, don’t let others into your relationship problems.

Deal with your issues together

To save your self time and effort in doing so, consider getting help together.  If you need to talk to someone other your partner about your own struggles, find an individual therapist or coach.

Of course it makes sense to confide in friends and family, but if you are telling them how much of a jerk your partner is and you want to make things work, you are doing yourself and your relationship a huge disservice.

It may feel impossible to imagine that things will get better.  You might be feeling hopeless and really need to connect with someone because it’s not happening with your partner.

But if you have a seed of desire to make things better and a grain of faith that they might, your relationship can be better than ever.

And if you start trash talking your relationship or complaining about your partner to other important people in your life, you only  have yourself to blame when your relationship is finally at its best and your friends and family just can’t fully accept your mate.

If you’ve already complained about your partner to others, it’s not too late to take efforts toward making things better.

Remember and mention some of the great things about your partner that you appreciate.

You might even start to notice more yourself

So zip your lip to protect your relationship and tackle your issues together as a team.

Need help and not interested in speaking to a third party?

Check out my book, Your Best Love: The Couples Workbook and Guide to Their Best Relationship, to finally understand how to have a strong, connected and fulfilling relationship.

Cheers to making it your best,

P.S. DISCLAIMER – I am referring in this post to relationships that are NOT dangerous, violent or abusive. If you are in an abusive or violent relationship, your partner may try to prevent you from connecting to ANYONE.

Источник: //mybestrelationship.com/what-not-to-do-when-youre-having-relationship-problems/

Should I Work with My Spouse?

MAN SEEKING WIFE/BUSINESS PARTNER

Successful businessman seeks life partner to share my entrepreneurial dream. Must believe in me and be supportive of the long hours required of a start-up venture. Nothing is too much for you in that you are comfortable juggling the many demands of an entrepreneur’s wife … household, childcare, social obligations and working late hours at the office to meet deadlines.

Opportunity to develop your own very satisfying career as you help me build my business. Your rewards are financial security, the opportunity to be part of something big, and the chance to work side-by-side with your husband. At work, you are my hard-working right-hand person. At home, you are the loving support that makes the long hours worthwhile.

WOMAN SEEKING HUSBAND/BUSINESS PARTNER

Career-minded, college-educated woman with entrepreneurial spirit, tired of facing the “glass ceiling” of corporate life, seeks -minded, college-educated man to share love and business partnership in a start-up venture.

Must believe in egalitarian relationships, sharing fully in the household maintenance as well as sharing equally in the ownership, management and responsibility of our joint business venture. Even though you possess creativity and leadership skills that you use to help me create the “American Dream,” your ego is not bruised by my ability to make decisions and take charge.

At work, you are dedicated, aggressive and single-minded in your pursuit of success for our business. At home, you relax and become playful because you are a loving, sensitive, communicative man who adores me and takes the time to get to know our children.

The “personal ads” I have written above are, of course, tongue-in-cheek. Yet they represent a classic problem that entrepreneurial husbands and wives bring to their partnership. Each spouse has a very different concept of what he or she would in a business and marital partner.

Because their expectations are so radically different, husbands and wives become confused and frustrated with a partner who they love. They wonder why they ever asked the other to work with them. Sometimes they wonder even if they should remain married.

Balancing the Competing Demands of Home and Work

As more and more couples consider entrepreneurship, it becomes painfully apparent that they are unprepared for the stress business collaboration will cause their personal relationship.

Many career-minded husbands and wives have already achieved some success in the work world before embarking on their own venture. wise, they may feel that their personal relationship is solid and healthy and capable of taking on the added strain of working together.

And yet, few of these couples discuss the ramifications of working together before starting a new business venture.

Clarifying the work and home expectations of each spouse and business partner should be the first thing that any entrepreneurial couple does, even before spending a cent on letterhead or signing the bank loan.

Couples Who Made it Work

• Even though Charlene started the real estate company five years before Ted joined her in the business, she found herself deferring to Ted more and more as the two of them worked together. As a traditional couple with two grown children, they were used to Ted being the “head of the household.

  ” When they started to work together, they assumed the same roles at the workplace. The problem was that Charlene had nowhere to go with her entrepreneurial spirit and leadership skills. The solution was to redesign the business so that each had a division to lead and operate.

• Frank and Louise had a difficult transition.

  Although they had a traditional marriage, they operated as equals in the career world, as long as they worked for different companies. When they started their entrepreneurial venture, conflicts arose because they had not discussed expectations at work.

  Frank continued to operate as the “head of the house” at work, while Louise designed her work schedule according to the former egalitarian arrangement. Frank started to complain that Louise did not work as hard as he did and that she didn’t care about the success of the business.

  Louise felt unappreciated because she was working very hard on projects that she felt were important.The problems were: (1) that the couple was not talking about work priorities, nor coordinating those priorities; and (2) that they were using two conflicting models to operate as partners at work.

  Eventually, the couple decided to maintain the separation of work lives that had worked so well for them in the past. Louise left the business and pursued other interests.

• Elise and Aaron were extremely puzzled by the marital conflicts that arose when they decided to move their respective businesses into the same building.

  They had had a warm and respectful marriage for ten years, and each had built a thriving professional practice during that period. However, when they moved into the same office suite — now seeing each other every day at work as well as at home — conflicts were happening more often. The tools that the couple had used in the past to resolve problems weren’t working anymore. What was needed was a new set of tools for the changes in the marital and business partnership.

Designing Your Own Model

Entrepreneurial couples must do a lot of work today to balance the competing demands of home and work.

Whatever your style of couple entrepreneurship (a solo proprietorship, co-entrepreneurial couple or dual-entrepreneurs), there are few models to guide you in maintaining a loving marriage and a thriving business simultaneously. There are myriad variables to consider. So my advice is to design a model unique to the two of you.

Begin by talking with your spouse and business partner about the goals each of you has for yourself individually in life. Then go on to discuss marital goals, family goals and, finally, business goals.

(I have a more comprehensive outline of how to do this in my book, ENTREPRENEURIAL COUPLES: Making it Work at Work and at Home.) If you need help working out these goals, seek the guidance of a marriage therapist, preferably one who works with entrepreneurs.

Ultimately, you are searching for a flexible system of relating that can change with the circumstances of your life, your lives together, and the changing marketplace of your business.

Should I Work with My Spouse?

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